Estranged very toxic relatives shamed us into breaking our strict No Contact boundary

[HonoraryMummy]

We cut off contact with my siblings and niece a few years ago because they were extremely abusive (to such an extent that the police gave one of my siblings a formal caution). They have engaged in a smear campaign for more than a decade, caused us a lot of worry and tried to turn our extended family and community against us. One of my siblings has a history of violence towards various people and has a criminal conviction for assaulting a police officer (suspended sentence).
This sibling's daughter (my niece) recently turned up at our door unannounced with a new partner. It was after dark, and we were ready for bed. We usually check the camera but I foolishly opened the door. We were taken off guard and invited them in, chatted, offered them food and drink and even invited them to drop in any time! We were babbling like idiots, afraid of looking inhospitable and crazy in front of her partner who was a stranger to us.
However we bitterly regret breaking our "no contact" rule.
Now we have to go through the whole horrible process of telling them that we don't wish to see them, that they're not welcome, that we didn't actually mean it when we over-enthusiastically told them to "drop in again, anytime!"
We both feel sick to our stomachs. We couldn't eat our supper. My heart was pounding while they were there and still I felt very cold (at least it makes a change from menopausal hot flushes!). The moment they left, we called a mutual acquaintance who is terrified of them. Sharing our fears didn't cure our anxiety. We are dreading them turning up again. We are actually thinking of moving house!

One ranting phone call to the friend and now conversations about reinforcing the NC sound like a panicked phone calls to me.

@HonoraryMummy sorry you went through this. Can i suggest you repost on the relationships board where you might get more helpful responses to your situation.

This is another example of people not knowing what gaslight means.

No one has been gaslighting on this thread. No one has been victim blaming.

Your thread has a lot of gaps and therefore sound very dramatic and OTT, so posters are trying to understand what really happened.

OP what were you hoping for from starting this thread?

Two grown adults behaving like this over something they had full control over? No one forced you to invite them in, give them food and tell them to come again. Honestly how do you function in the real world? Make decisions? You know, be an adult?

So your niece and her partner came round and im assuming you all chatted amicably. She didnt pull out a machete and threaten you? Like other PPs say, is she an innocent in this campaign of hate towards you? Could she just want to establish a relationship with family?

Whatever sub board the OP posts on, people will still require basic information like whether the niece was actually involved in the abuse, or whether her only crime is being the daughter of the violent sibling.

And people will still point out that the OP’s title is a misnomer — only one relative was present, her boyfriend was a complete stranger and not involved in any previous abuse, and what appears to have made the OP invite them in, offer them food and tell them to call, again was nothing to do with ‘shame’ or indeed nothing to do with the niece, but their own fear of ‘looking inhospitable and crazy’ in front of a stranger.

Basically, they let their desire to keep up appearances override their own boundaries.

yeah bet the acquaintance was delighted to have that call.

Why did they come round? why did you let them in?

So you had a nice dinner but now you want to go Nc for other reasons?

Just be honest! “Hi Anna, the other night you caught us off guard and I am worried there might be some misunderstandings. As you know Dave and I haven’t been able to keep a positive relationship with wider family, including your mum and dad, for some time. We’ve reluctantly decided that the best thing for the moment for everyone is to go no contact and at the moment that includes you and any partner. Please don’t drop by again. Thanks”

It’s brutal but I’m assuming you don’t care if she thinks you’re mad/ mean etc, otherwise you wouldn’t be NC?

And for goodness sake next time just say “Sorry Anna, we don’t want to see you,” rather than inviting them in for dinner/ drama.

I actually can’t imagine doing this !!

Although I realise I’m not typical here.
I don’t have a ring doorbell, I answer the door at any time to anyone and I don’t care what I’m wearing!

You <<<<<< >>>>>>>>>>>>> the point

Was your niece threatening/intimidating in her behaviour when at yours?

For her to drop in with her partner suggests she is trying to build bridges.

If you are not wanting to build bridges you need to inform them you don't wish to be in contact and stand by it.

A bunch of people who’ve never experienced OP’s situation are commenting. Why bother then? !!

Op, I’ve done exactly this when taken by surprise. Abusive family member turns up on doorstep, gifts in to for my children. Brought their own brood of children and I was guilted by a family friend to let them in just for 5 mins as they came from so far.

Massive mistake, it gave ammo for them to continue to slag me off after I said I don’t want to see them again.

All you can do is tell them you don’t want contact, if you’re sure. Letting them into your life won’t stop the vilifying you.

It's clear the OP was foolish to open the door and regrets it now. She may be trying to see how people are likely to react if she asks for advice IRL (will they ridicule her, will they ask intrusive questions or will they accept her at face value when she says her family are so toxic she went NC). Asking AIBU anonymously is safer than trusting her family and friends because no one on here knows who she is. The answers from people on here will make her go back in her shell. A problem shared is a problem doubled. People want all the gory details before they accept your story! This is why people don't report family abuse to the police.

It's clear the OP was foolish to open the door and regrets it now. She may be trying to see how people are likely to react if she asks for advice IRL (will they ridicule her, will they ask intrusive questions or will they accept her at face value when she says her family are so toxic she went NC). Asking AIBU anonymously is safer than trusting her family and friends because no one on here knows who she is. The answers from people on here will make her go back in her shell. A problem shared is a problem doubled. People want all the gory details before they accept your story! This is why people don't report family abuse to the police.

Not one single person has asked for ‘gory details’, said the OP was unreasonable to have cut contact, or suggested they didn’t believe the OP’s sibling had been abusive.

What people are asking, not unreasonably, was whether the niece who visited was involved in the abuse, and whether her behaviour when she visited was in any way threatening or unpleasant.

A lot of people here are missing the point and seem very agitated at the OP's lack of detail. She said she was very upset by her niece breaking the No Contact. She was clearly scared. That should be enough.

It doesn’t matter if the niece has been abusive herself. If her and the husband are in contact with the abusive family members, that is going to negatively affect op.

She doesn’t want contact with them, and that includes being guilted into it by other family members or having them share details of her home and her life!

also to add: If they turned up at her doorstep once uninvited, they’re likely to do it again. From experience. Next time they might being the abusive ones in tow.

Did your niece do something to you too, or will she be a flying monkey for your sibling? It was unfortunate to be shocked and invite her in if you don’t want contact. I suggest that if she turns up again, you hold your boundaries and tell her no.

This gets my vote.

If you have a means of contacting the neice, I would send one message explaining plainly and without emotion what you have said here. That you were caught unexpectedly and your reactions were because you were surprised by the unannounced visit. You did not mean the "drop in any time" comment and on reflection, do not wish to see her in future. State that this will be the only message on this matter that you will send. And then don't respond to any response(s) from the neice.

If you don't have a means of contacting her, then write it down and leave it to hand by the door as a prompt if she does drop round again unannounced.

This really doesn’t make any sense. Nobody shamed you into anything and the events you describe don’t sound like anything at all. Even if you do have good reason to not want to see your niece, you don’t have to tell her that. Just don’t answer the door to her again, that’s why you have a camera.

Just don't answer the door next time and let the wider family know you don't want any further contact with any of them.

OP, send your niece a message that while it was nice to see her, it is best all round if she doesn't call again as you have no intention of renewing contact. Wish her well.

You have learned a very harsh lesson of being caught on the hop.

Get a chain for your door and use it.
Do not open the door at night without checking first.