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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Estranged very toxic relatives shamed us into breaking our strict No Contact boundary

77 replies

HonoraryMummy · 30/12/2025 01:52

We cut off contact with my siblings and niece a few years ago because they were extremely abusive (to such an extent that the police gave one of my siblings a formal caution). They have engaged in a smear campaign for more than a decade, caused us a lot of worry and tried to turn our extended family and community against us. One of my siblings has a history of violence towards various people and has a criminal conviction for assaulting a police officer (suspended sentence).
This sibling's daughter (my niece) recently turned up at our door unannounced with a new partner. It was after dark, and we were ready for bed. We usually check the camera but I foolishly opened the door. We were taken off guard and invited them in, chatted, offered them food and drink and even invited them to drop in any time! We were babbling like idiots, afraid of looking inhospitable and crazy in front of her partner who was a stranger to us.
However we bitterly regret breaking our "no contact" rule.
Now we have to go through the whole horrible process of telling them that we don't wish to see them, that they're not welcome, that we didn't actually mean it when we over-enthusiastically told them to "drop in again, anytime!"
We both feel sick to our stomachs. We couldn't eat our supper. My heart was pounding while they were there and still I felt very cold (at least it makes a change from menopausal hot flushes!). The moment they left, we called a mutual acquaintance who is terrified of them. Sharing our fears didn't cure our anxiety. We are dreading them turning up again. We are actually thinking of moving house!

OP posts:
PinkyFlamingo · 30/12/2025 08:51

Oh for goodness sake just don't answer the door to them again. You seem to have created a huge drama and to talk about moving house is mad!

Kimura · 30/12/2025 08:56

Your post is extremely unclear. Was your niece party to this abuse toward you, or was it just your siblings?

If it's the latter I can sort of understand you being caught off guard by your niece turning up out of the blue. But why would you care about looking inhospitable to the partner of someone you don't want any contact with? And she didn't 'shame' you, she turned up and you let her in like nothing had happened. Take some responsibility.

If you're steadfast on having no contact, you'll need to communicate that with her now that you've given her an open invite.

It doesn't have to be War & Peace, just be clear that you were put on the spot when she turned up, and on reflection you made a mistake by letting her in. Tell her not to contact or visit again and be done with it. Moving house is very dramatic...what if they turn up at that one?

FruitWordSalad · 30/12/2025 08:56

None of this makes any sense. You invited someone in you are no contact with, now you're terrified and want to move. What?

Bulbsbulbsbulbs · 30/12/2025 08:58

'After dark' is 4.30pm at the moment. So were you going to bed very early? But hadnt had your supper? Did you sit around in your jim jams with them? It's all a bit unclear really

User8008135 · 30/12/2025 09:03

What's done is done, you need to shift your focus from berating yourselves and actually think on why you let her in.

Was she abusive? Was.it a fear respons? Conditioned?

Or was her mum the abusive toxic one and niece someone you cared for and was happy to see in the moment? And now you are panicking it's opened the doorway.

Take a breath, have a drink and sit for a minute before having a think. You sound very panicked and catostophising OP, perhaps for good reason but also perhaps due to stress and fear. So take a breather and then assess.

User8008135 · 30/12/2025 09:04

Quite literally opened the doorway, probably not the best phrase- I mean opened the way for toxic relations of hers to try to get to you.

butterpuffed · 30/12/2025 09:07

You were 'ready for bed' , so why did you give them food and drinks, followed by hardly being able to eat your supper after they'd gone and ringing a friend ? It doesn't make much sense.

Did they say why they'd come round unexpectedly ?

Frogbear · 30/12/2025 09:14

What has your niece done to you?

And how were you shamed into breaking the no contact?

And why can’t you just carry on being no contact rather than making lots of panicked phone calls?

It was a small incident. It doesn’t need to be made into a huge drama.

catpigeon · 30/12/2025 09:17

Frogbear · 30/12/2025 09:14

What has your niece done to you?

And how were you shamed into breaking the no contact?

And why can’t you just carry on being no contact rather than making lots of panicked phone calls?

It was a small incident. It doesn’t need to be made into a huge drama.

This.

Original poster
HonoraryMummy · 30/12/2025 09:19

I know it was stupid of me to open the door. We were dressed for bed because we planned to have supper in our PJs.

OP posts:
Original poster
HonoraryMummy · 30/12/2025 09:21

I'm not going into more detail. Looking at some of the responses I finally understand why victims of family abuse just shut up.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 30/12/2025 09:22

Are you using the royal “we” or was there someone else with you?

Isittimeformynapyet · 30/12/2025 09:24

Don't poke the hornet's quite yet

@Katflapkit do all hornets have quites?

Original poster
HonoraryMummy · 30/12/2025 09:27

I can't figure out how to delete my post apart from asking the mods. I'm not going to put up with gaslighting, victim blaming and prurient requests for more detail so I'm closing my account.

OP posts:
Sanasaaa · 30/12/2025 09:27

The responses are just confused because the post doesn't make much sense, or ask a question/for advice.
No one thinks abuse victims should shut up.

catpigeon · 30/12/2025 09:27

And you wonder why you have a weird relationship with your family

Isittimeformynapyet · 30/12/2025 09:28

If family I like very much and I am NOT NC with showed up at my door at 9pm, I’d slam the door in their faces!

@mindutopia I think you're better off not answering the door after 8:59pm 😄

Kimura · 30/12/2025 09:30

HonoraryMummy · 30/12/2025 09:21

I'm not going into more detail. Looking at some of the responses I finally understand why victims of family abuse just shut up.

Your post made little sense and was unclear as to whether the niece who turned up at your door was personally responsible for the abuse (or even aware of it), or whether you'd gone NC with your siblings and by extension, their child.

People are asking for clarity in order to give you the most relevant/useful advice.

SaveYourMoneyAndStopMakingMeCry · 30/12/2025 09:31

You couldn't eat your supper?

The level of hysteria is ridiculous

IllAdvised · 30/12/2025 09:32

HonoraryMummy · 30/12/2025 09:27

I can't figure out how to delete my post apart from asking the mods. I'm not going to put up with gaslighting, victim blaming and prurient requests for more detail so I'm closing my account.

Respectfully, OP, no one has ‘gaslit’ or ‘victim blamed’ you.

Splitunnoticed · 30/12/2025 09:33

Presumably your niece didn’t do anything bad towards you. Why blame the child for their parent’s “sin”?!

Isittimeformynapyet · 30/12/2025 09:33

Frogbear · 30/12/2025 09:14

What has your niece done to you?

And how were you shamed into breaking the no contact?

And why can’t you just carry on being no contact rather than making lots of panicked phone calls?

It was a small incident. It doesn’t need to be made into a huge drama.

lots of panicked phone calls?
OP only mentioned one panicked phone call. This hardly needs over-egging to point out the crazy.

WareColkar · 30/12/2025 09:34

HonoraryMummy · 30/12/2025 09:27

I can't figure out how to delete my post apart from asking the mods. I'm not going to put up with gaslighting, victim blaming and prurient requests for more detail so I'm closing my account.

I can completely understand what you’re talking about OP - because I myself have done similar and felt exactly like you do afterwards ..

I get it because I’ve been through it - you feel terrible because you feel you’ve let yourself down

Kimura · 30/12/2025 09:36

mindutopia · 30/12/2025 08:27

Just ignore them and block.

If family I like very much and I am NOT NC with showed up at my door at 9pm, I’d slam the door in their faces!

if the NC ones had done the same, I’d probably call the police.

You need to put your big girl pants on and have some boundaries. No one shamed you into anything. You just have to say no.

If family I like very much and I am NOT NC with showed up at my door at 9pm, I’d slam the door in their faces!

Anyone knocking on my door at that hour better have a life-threatening emergency or one of those giant National Lottery winner's cheques!

SaveYourMoneyAndStopMakingMeCry · 30/12/2025 09:36

HonoraryMummy · 30/12/2025 09:21

I'm not going into more detail. Looking at some of the responses I finally understand why victims of family abuse just shut up.

Oh have a rest not a single person is saying anything of the sort.

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