Divorce - disabled child- Advice please?

[SENSummer]

My marriage of seven years has ended this Christmas. My decision but STBXH has been emotionally checked out, difficult and distant for years so we’ve been on the verge a few times. It’s definitely over now.

I’ve held it together thus far because we have two small children. 4yo DD and 5yo DS who is extremely high needs ASD, profound learning disabilities, ADHD, non verbal, PICA and also massive for his age. Wears 9-10 clothes and weighs 35kg about 2/3 my size already. He is very difficult to care for. Honestly it’s horrendous he’s destructive and violent and just shrieks constantly whilst destroying everything he touches.

I’m scared they will make me take him and be resident parent. I don’t want to be. I can’t win against him in a fight anymore and all of his basic care needs are a physical fight. I also can’t deadlift him off the floor, which is a lot of what parenting him requires.

STBXH has been working long hours as a doctor throughout our marriage but does physically help with DS when he is here. He is much bigger and stronger than me and can still just about overpower DS when needed although worries he will hurt him. He has been deeply depressed for a long time and any periods spent alone with DS send this through the roof.

DS is in a specialist school with 1:1 care and has a small social service package. We have appealed multiple times for more or for him to be put into care as we just can’t manage him. We keep putting up bigger and bigger gates/locks around the house but he climbs them/breaks them and nothing can stop him.

I was forced out of work to be his carer even though I never wanted to leave work. I’ve done everything for DS for years fighting for all the medical/therapy/council help and his socialist school place but nothing made a difference. I’m scared for mine and DD’s safety and future if we end up in a house just us and DS. I cannot manage him or meet his needs and trying has such a detrimental impact on DD.

I don’t want to be his resident parent but I know that DH won’t want to either. He says he won’t be able to work which is true but that’s the situation I’ve been in for years so I don’t think he’s entitled to carry on like normal once we are divorced and I’m not his support act anymore. I worry what will happen and that they will make me have DS. I’ve spoke to social services and they said they don’t know what will happen.

I would of course share custody and if DH did have DS I would give him plenty of respite. I highly doubt the same would happen if I become resident parent.

if you’ve been through this please help!

Agree. I thought it was bad years ago when I had to seek help but it seems like it's almost impossible now, almost certainly to do with costs.

There will be foster carers willing to as they’ll get loads of extra money on top of normal financial packages.

I'm not so sure there will be loads of places willing to take on children with such high special needs. Did you actually read the ops post?

You need to tell Social Services that you cannot cope with him. And be definite.

Gosh I have nothing helpful to add really but sending so much (unhelpful) love your way.

Wow, what a difficult situation for your family. I have no advice for you, but I wish you well on your journey, and hope that DS gets a residential placement soon.

Yes, parents literally have to lawyer up now to force unlawful LAs to fulfil their legal obligations. Thank goodness there are some really helpful lawyers who will work on a pro bono basis. Also, I would highly recommend organisations such as Cerebra and the Family Rights Group for their free legal expertise.

What is making me sad on this thread is that other really vulnerable parents of really vulnerable children are telling the OP that she won’t get anywhere with her LA because they too are the victims of institutional gaslighting and systemic abuse. The truth is that social workers, as representatives of their LA, will and do lie and obfuscate and kick the can down the road for as long as possible because their primary brief is not to upset the apple cart and not to commit the authority to spending a penny. Far better to drive a mum in the pit of despair to a mental health breakdown or worse. And sod the other children in the household.

What is making me angry on this thread is the professionals with their ‘what about the council tax increases?’ excuses. How much do LAs waste on going to tribunals with vulnerable families who win 90 per cent of their cases?

OP, if you are still reading, I will happily speak to you directly about how I secured long-term residential schooling and accommodation for my disabled and complex young person.

Also, I am intrigued about our previous conversations!

Echoing the suggestion to look into Children’s Continuing care - particularly around the challenging behaviour.
While I agree with other posters that there is obfuscation by LAs about options for residential school placements - I have to say that there are none in my area that would take a child of 5. More options once they hit age 7. So a much bigger package of care may be the option to pursue.
Also contact your local SENDIAS Service who should be able to advise about local residential options, what you are entitled to and also possibly about your concerns in the divorce ( as you will not be the first person with this type of dilemma). Best of luck x

Im sorry to hear of your difficult situation.
Have you discussed the care of your children with your STBXH ?
What does he think will be in your childrens best interests.
Could your disbaled son be resident with your STBXH ? is he still working extrememly long hours?
if neither of you can meet your sons needs will social services step in?

It is rarely in the public interest to prosecute parents who act out of desperation as they cannot care for their child and are seeking a better life for them by abandoning them (usually refusing to collect them from school, or hospital, or from respite care).

came across this article the other day while looking for something else. I’m not suggesting you do it but desperate times call for desperate measures..

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/c2lnd5wj9z5o.amp

Absolutely. Lack of funding, resources and/or staffing are not excuses for breaches of the law. No matter how much LAs like to believe they are.

The general public would be aghast if they realised how much LAs waste on representation to defend indefensible cases at Tribunal they know they are going to lose. Often against unrepresented parents. My LA once paid a barrister a very nice sum of money to turn up (late!) to a hearing and concede. Infuriating! What a waste of public funds. Not to mention the money LAs spend elsewhere, such as on JR claims.

If you are the person I think you are, and I think you are, we have spoken on previous threads both under different names, a few PMs and briefly by email a few years ago. If you can’t place me, shout and I will PM you a couple of my previous names that I think we PM’ed under.

Be careful with SENDIASS. Some are good but too many repeat the LA’s unlawful policies.

Residential placements don’t need to be within your area.

Sometimes families reach a point where their child’s needs are such that they are unable to care for them in the family home. This may be because of additional health needs or distressed behaviour. Section 20 of the Children Act 1989 says that the local authority has a duty to accommodate children when ‘the person who has been caring for him (is) prevented (whether or not permanently, and for whatever reason) from providing him with suitable accommodation or care’. This may mean placing the child with foster parents, in a care home or as a residential student at school if these facilities are available. When children are accommodated under Section 20 the arrangement is voluntary and you retain parental responsibility.

I think that this would be the way forward: claiming that you are no longer able to care for him due to his size and behaviour but check with the solicitor first.

Ah, yes, SENDIASS. Paid for by the LA. A bit like Independent Reviewing Officers. Also paid for by the LA. Who are ex-LA social workers who also share offices with their SW colleagues. Despite being very ‘independent’.

Getting residential care seems to be the best option as it looks as though you will be left with the responsibility otherwise. And as your DS will inevitably become stronger, you being the main carer is physically not safe or sustainable. Even if the STBXH did commit 50 50 of the care, it isn’t a solution and likely to break down anyway.

You need to push back at every barrier the LA gives. Residential care can be anywhere in the country, so even if there are no local places this isn’t an excuse for them. Build up evidence of need, so go to your GP to talk about how physical injury and mental impact of care is affecting you. Getting someone (school or a family member) to call MASH about the danger you and DS are in from physical harm might get things moving? Sadly it’s only when you get to critical stage that LA’s will step up as otherwise they mark you down as coping. And nobody is going to arrest you for abandoning your DS at a safe place, there would be nothing to gain by it, and they would still have to provide care, but for two children instead of one.

And my heart goes out to you OP. Being in a situation like this is so incredibly hard and often hidden from society.

What an awfully sad situation.

Personally I would focus on the impact on the children - both the safety of your daughter and unmet need (and therefore safety) of your son. Professionals give far less of a shit about parents, and their wellbeing.

I wouldn’t however leave a child at school to be collected by SS, the level of trauma involved in that decision just does not sit comfortably with me.

We asked the LA to take DD1, as a teenager into care under S 20, because I was on the verge of carer breakdown. It wasn’t due to her behaviour, but the stress of the medical needs - which affected her sister too. They refused.

We did it through the SEND tribunal. We won a 52 week placement in a specialist residential school, where the medical needs could mainly be met onsite. The cost was 6 figures pa, and that has carried on in adulthood - but it was at the point where specialist care was cheaper, than the cost to the NHS anyway. When DD1 was at home in the holidays, we got about 54 carer hours a week and that was what we wanted. A carer from 10 am - 6 pm every day Monday to Friday, and two carers when I had appointments, and half a day respite for me and DH at weekends. DH didn’t want strangers in the house at night. No respite centre could cope with DD1’s medical condition. I was told students at her school, who lived in its own LA were getting 70 carer hours a week.

The cost is not your problem OP, and don’t let yourself be distracted by emotional blackmail over it by SS or anyone else. Ime, the needs of some children are beyond the resources of most families, and nobody can criticise you OP, unless they have walked a mile in your shoes.

I will say though, I have no idea what the cost of DD2’s mental health problems are to society, as a result of what happened to DD1, but they must be high.

The cost of where DD1 is now, is still 6 figures for 1:1 care all her waking hours, but there are people there with 2:1 or 3:1 or 4:1 care. The cost must go up accordingly.

ha ha. I am one of those Foster carers and have a v challenging young man. We are as rare as hens teeth. I have over 20 yrs experience and only know of one other carer and she needed 2 full time carers on top of her full time care to manage her v aggressive child.
We have had to fight tooth and nail to get any respite and believe me we know all about the toll it takes on families. We hang in there because we love our young man despite the challenges which are many.
Oh and we are not rolling in it . We have saved the local authority millions over the last 20 yrs but we are not paid exorbitant amounts at all. What we are currently paid per day would fund about 2 hours of care by a carer from a care agency. !

Yes, I hear you. And you are seen. The absolute disgrace is the private sector profiting on human misery. The private equity funds, the care homes owned by Dubai and Qatari-backed funds. I really wish that posters - and the social workers among them - could direct their energies to focusing on the amorality of this rather than gaslighting extremely vulnerable parents. If anyone feels strongly enough, please would you contact Josh MacAlister, the recently-appointed Children’s Minister?

I should have said, my solicitor told me when DD1 was seven, that the tribunal wouldn’t order a residential school placement at that age - but then, there was no school in the county to meet her needs. He and our barrister told us to accept the compromise of an additional resourced unit, for the time being in the Juniors. My fears about that came true, but the medical condition, the real clincher, only appeared at age 12 and steadily got worse. By the time she was 17, we were stressed out.

I was trying to illustrate though, that SS can give you whatever you want; and in your position OP, I would have pushed for residential care, regardless of DS’s age. The impact of the trauma on the sibling can also be far reaching.

oh I couldn't agree more. The profiteering by private companies is a national disgrace .

There are 7y/o’s in residential placements, including ones where it has been ordered by SENDIST. Obviously not all cases meet the threshold for that, but there isn’t a blanket rule preventing residential placements being Ordered until older.