Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Divorce - disabled child- Advice please?

166 replies

SENSummer · 29/12/2025 13:28

My marriage of seven years has ended this Christmas. My decision but STBXH has been emotionally checked out, difficult and distant for years so we’ve been on the verge a few times. It’s definitely over now.

I’ve held it together thus far because we have two small children. 4yo DD and 5yo DS who is extremely high needs ASD, profound learning disabilities, ADHD, non verbal, PICA and also massive for his age. Wears 9-10 clothes and weighs 35kg about 2/3 my size already. He is very difficult to care for. Honestly it’s horrendous he’s destructive and violent and just shrieks constantly whilst destroying everything he touches.

I’m scared they will make me take him and be resident parent. I don’t want to be. I can’t win against him in a fight anymore and all of his basic care needs are a physical fight. I also can’t deadlift him off the floor, which is a lot of what parenting him requires.

STBXH has been working long hours as a doctor throughout our marriage but does physically help with DS when he is here. He is much bigger and stronger than me and can still just about overpower DS when needed although worries he will hurt him. He has been deeply depressed for a long time and any periods spent alone with DS send this through the roof.

DS is in a specialist school with 1:1 care and has a small social service package. We have appealed multiple times for more or for him to be put into care as we just can’t manage him. We keep putting up bigger and bigger gates/locks around the house but he climbs them/breaks them and nothing can stop him.

I was forced out of work to be his carer even though I never wanted to leave work. I’ve done everything for DS for years fighting for all the medical/therapy/council help and his socialist school place but nothing made a difference. I’m scared for mine and DD’s safety and future if we end up in a house just us and DS. I cannot manage him or meet his needs and trying has such a detrimental impact on DD.

I don’t want to be his resident parent but I know that DH won’t want to either. He says he won’t be able to work which is true but that’s the situation I’ve been in for years so I don’t think he’s entitled to carry on like normal once we are divorced and I’m not his support act anymore. I worry what will happen and that they will make me have DS. I’ve spoke to social services and they said they don’t know what will happen.

I would of course share custody and if DH did have DS I would give him plenty of respite. I highly doubt the same would happen if I become resident parent.

if you’ve been through this please help!

OP posts:
Jellycatspyjamas · 29/12/2025 14:04

ThePieceHall · 29/12/2025 13:55

You are in Scotland? The laws are different in England. The OP has a legal right under s.20 of the Children Act to request her DS be fully accommodated by her LA. It’s possibly the same in Scotland that social workers, who do not understand the law, will seek to gaslight the OP, mainly in a bid to save money. As the law stands, the LA cannot refuse a s.20 request. OP, I would strongly recommend that you phone Damien Dobson at JWP Solicitors for a free consultation. Damien is a superstar and does a lot of pro bono work for families like yours and mine.

Show quote history

I am in Scotland where there is similar provision for children to be received into care voluntarily. The reality is though that social work will do everything to try and keep a child at home because 9/10 it’s best for the child if they can be cared for in their family setting. It’s not as simple as handing your child over to the state especially where there are complex needs and a specialist placement required. There simply isn’t a swathe of foster carers or residential placements waiting vacant for children who need care much less for children who are placed voluntarily by parents.

@SENSummer definitely seek specialist legal advice, a family law solicitor is unlikely to understand the complexities associated with care for children with profound disabilities because it crosses over from family law into disabilities legislation.

FoxeydHorse · 29/12/2025 14:06

I dont know but i really disagree with the change to society where parents cant give up a disabled child if they cant cope.
Especially as there is very little support from schools GP etc etc.
several of the sen parents i know have divorced. How can you help but argue when one often ends up doing kore and when you react differently to the child’s behaviour.

it does seem a strange world that has so many elderly in care where its accepted that someone cant care for them at home. But parents are expected to do physical care for adult sized kids

Heronwatcher · 29/12/2025 14:08

Ok so a few things I would do-

  • get a job- any job even part time but preferably something which can progress to decent employment. Otherwise he will be able to play the “I work” card;
  • make sure your STBEX is pulling his weight- if necessary so you can work. From now on he does 50% of the childcare himself or pays someone else to do it;
  • start as many balls rolling to get more care for your DS. Make it clear that you will not take no for an answer;
  • get a good lawyer that specialises in SEND needs and placements;
  • consider with your STBEX any solutions, even ones which mean taking the funds from your shared property to pay for more care if necessary. But make it clear that you are not going to be resident parent under any circumstances however much he pays you.
  • document each and every occasion when your DS is violent etc.
ThePieceHall · 29/12/2025 14:08

Jellycatspyjamas · 29/12/2025 14:04

I am in Scotland where there is similar provision for children to be received into care voluntarily. The reality is though that social work will do everything to try and keep a child at home because 9/10 it’s best for the child if they can be cared for in their family setting. It’s not as simple as handing your child over to the state especially where there are complex needs and a specialist placement required. There simply isn’t a swathe of foster carers or residential placements waiting vacant for children who need care much less for children who are placed voluntarily by parents.

@SENSummer definitely seek specialist legal advice, a family law solicitor is unlikely to understand the complexities associated with care for children with profound disabilities because it crosses over from family law into disabilities legislation.

Show quote history

As I say, Michael Charles or Damien Dobson at JWP Solicitors. Both will give free consultations. Regardless of the gaslighting, the lack of foster care provision is not your problem, OP. You do not legally or morally have to carry on.

Original poster
SENSummer · 29/12/2025 14:09

ThePieceHall · 29/12/2025 13:55

You are in Scotland? The laws are different in England. The OP has a legal right under s.20 of the Children Act to request her DS be fully accommodated by her LA. It’s possibly the same in Scotland that social workers, who do not understand the law, will seek to gaslight the OP, mainly in a bid to save money. As the law stands, the LA cannot refuse a s.20 request. OP, I would strongly recommend that you phone Damien Dobson at JWP Solicitors for a free consultation. Damien is a superstar and does a lot of pro bono work for families like yours and mine.

Show quote history

I’ve just come off the phone with them and been given his email so I’m going to get in touch now with our situation. Thank you

OP posts:
lanadelgrey · 29/12/2025 14:16

Social workers always say no as first off.
Find your local Send advocacy group, also reframe this in terms of your DD‘s needs. Can you keep her safe as her brother grows. There are also support groups for for parents at risk from their kids.
The support for DS needs to be sorted as separate or ahead of divorce and child arrangements. In all events it sounds as if you would need Cafcass involvement given that proposition is you are unable to care for DS alone and stbex doesn‘t want to

houseofisms · 29/12/2025 14:17

I was in your position a few years ago with a son very similar to yours. I kicked my (high ranking police) exh out after he lost it with our disabled son.
he left and rarely has anything to do with his children now.

mu advice once he’s gone, call out of hours social care (as they have to act on it) be honest about how you feel and that you’re about to have a full blown breakdown (in my case true) and they will step up the care package.

not something I could ever say out loud but I felt like I was living a prison term with my son until he turned 18 and could go to appropriate housing/care. I know that sounds horrific to most parents but people don’t understand what we go through.

i got cancer this year and after a major fight with SS my son (he’s 2-2-1) 11yo now lives in a residential home where he’s absolutely thriving because he has the team around him that he needs. Hrs even talking now!

my life was being housebound as I couldn’t leave the house with him. I was unable to drive with him in the car because he would escape the inescapable harnesses and try to strangle me.

my daughter 9 would literally just stay and eat in her room for safety.

im basically saying “I get it” as people not living this life can’t even pretend to know what it’s like!

please DM me if you’d like suggestions on equipment that makes your life slightly easier and can get through OT like safety sleeper bed and fingerprint recognition locks on doors etc xxx

Burntt · 29/12/2025 14:19

I’ve got a similar situation. Ex just won’t have him despite a court order. We split before we knew the extent of his disability and ex fought me for residency but as soon as his needs became apparent he barely has him now for the contract he won in family court. We have a disability social worker. No one gives a shit that it’s all in me and ex does nothing. I had to put in a final complaint to SS saying I’m begging for help and getting none, that he last incident was him pushing his sister into traffic and if we don’t get help either he will kill his sister or I’m going to kill him. They ignored my complaint. Said all the things they said to you. I complained again said I’ve forwarded all correspondence to family with instructions to go to the press when a child dies. The. They gave me 10 hours a week restbite.

muddled in with that for a while and after a few more instances I said I just can’t do this he has to go to care. They contacted his father who said he would take him. Then when he realised DLA was pennies he said no he won’t take him. At which point SS just said tough luck you have to keep him and if you push this on safeguarding grounds we will take the non disabled child. I’ve heard other parents of high needs kids told the same- stop moaning or we will take the non disabled child to keep them safe.

it’s fucking disgusting.

luckily for us my son violent behaviour has reduced somewhat. Aimed at the house now rather than his sister. I still take a lot of it but it’s not daily.

I don’t know what to say to you. It’s cheeper for them to provide carer and restbite than a placement so they do give in when that will keep a child out of care but it’s a fight. I’ve been told GI to your MP. Mine was crap I was copied into the email he sent the LA basically forwarded them my email to MP saying “please deal with this woman”

oh and don’t forget society is going to judge you and criticise you for living off benefits due to your caring responsibility.

if I didn’t have my dd I’d have killed myself by now. I’m living in hell

StepsNotMiles · 29/12/2025 14:19

I know how much you love your child, and I can only imagine how overwhelming things must be. From what you’ve described, it sounds like it’s becoming really difficult to keep him safe and get the support he needs. There are support services available, but it may also be worth seriously considering full-time care through social services, with visits, so he can get the trained care he needs and you can get some relief and safety

MyKindHiker · 29/12/2025 14:20

I have a child with less severe SEN but still prone to bouts of extreme violence etc. so I can definitely empathise.

The physical realities of the situation you have outlined are not going away. Regardless of what you want, the reality is that already you can’t physically manage his needs and very soon it will be impossible to keep him, and you, and your other child, safe. It is a horrible situation but one which needs addressing right away, divorce or no divorce.

Social services may just never have seen a situation like this before. If you’re educated and articulate (you sound it) they also often dismiss you as less of a priority than people who may more immediately ‘not be coping’ ie: who are living in squalour.

I’d agree with another poster, you must speak to a SEN lawyer and come up with a plan of action. As with all things SEN parenting related, you start with what the scenario you want for your child is (specialist care?) and work back from there. Or contact the national autistic society. They have pro bono lawyers. Or you get the LA to pay for specialist carers to help you.

There is help out there. Please please access it. The people you have spoken to so far sound like they are fobbing you off and not thinking outside the box, because they think if they ignore you you’ll ‘just cope’.

Alternatively I’m not sure if you’ve explored medication to help with some of the behaviours. This helped with my child, we were worried for a time he couldn’t stay home due to risk to his sibling and terrible violence but he calmed down a lot with medication, but he’s verbal and can understand some things so maybe not same situation.

Parky04 · 29/12/2025 14:21

I would also take the steps to put him into permanent care. It's not fair on you, your DH or your daughter. A terrible situation to be in and I wish you well.

MushroomQueen · 29/12/2025 14:24

It’s a long time ago now but a boy in my sisters primary school had to go to a residential home as his needs were too high for the family to manage with violence to both parents and siblings (it was a special needs school - severe autism in both my Dsis and the boy but v different manageability.) He thrived in the residential and they visit him regularly as an adult. I feel from the post it’s essential a risk assessment is carried out with the disability child protection team in your area. It’s so hard to live with this situation especially with a divorce approaching. Finding my adult sister a residential home was hard enough aged 25 without significant behavioural issues (albeit still with some) there were v v few places but they do exist but you need to fight for them and show need. They can be a significant distance away from you- I was a child and family worker for a boy in residential home for reviews etc (was training to be a social worker) so they do exist but the LA don’t want pay for them if they can avoid it - harsh but true

Clarehandaust · 29/12/2025 14:25

SENSummer · 29/12/2025 13:47

The legal advice I took told me that in a divorce there is a resident parent and a contact parent can secure their entitlement to visitation via a contact order but the resident parent can’t actually force them to do it via one.
So basically if XH wanted to see DS I couldn’t stop him but I equally couldn’t enforce that we both have him 50/50 it very much smacked of ‘if you’re the resident parent you’re on the hook for everything and the contact parent can just dick around as suits them’ hence I am very reluctant to be DS’s resident parent. I know I would still support XH and be involved with DS but I’m not at all confident that XH would do the same. I think between his long draining work hours and DD , I think DS would just be left with me.

Show quote history

No experience of your incredibly difficult and complex situation, but yes that is about the gist of it
When it comes to childcare arrangements as and when it suits them in my experience

Original poster
SENSummer · 29/12/2025 14:28

Nocameltoeleggingsplease · 29/12/2025 13:56

Can you divorce but still live together? Could you put up with each other enough for that?
Because leaving sounds horrific and worse for everyone, especially you, whereas if STBEXH isn’t a total dickwad then maybe you could make an arrangement work??

No, I don’t think DH is fundamentally a bad guy or even intentional in having done this but I have found him increasingly emotionally abusive towards me since having the kids. It’s become extremely toxic for me and detrimental to my mental health so I just want away from him at this point.

I think his behaviour has been largely due to his own depression and I also suspect strongly that he is himself autistic but that has not made it any easier to live with for me.

OP posts:
AirborneElephant · 29/12/2025 14:30

This is an incredibly sad situation. I think the only way you are going to get residential or foster care is if you simply refuse to pick him back up from school. They are going to try very hard to force you to be resident parent, up to and including legal threats and threats to also take your daughter into care. I experienced so much pressure just refusing to be my grandmothers carer, a tiny proportion of what you will encounter. So if it’s really something you don’t want you are going to need to refuse over and over again to allow him into the house.

In reality if you keep refusing and he is not inside your house they will then need to take care of him in the system, but if he’s physically with you they will not. The result may not be in the type of care you would want for him. But only you know how much more you can take ❤️💕

x2boys · 29/12/2025 14:32

ThePieceHall · 29/12/2025 14:08

As I say, Michael Charles or Damien Dobson at JWP Solicitors. Both will give free consultations. Regardless of the gaslighting, the lack of foster care provision is not your problem, OP. You do not legally or morally have to carry on.

Show quote history

Its not as simple as you make out, im in England with a severely disabled teenager, its not an easy process to get a residential placement, even if its deemed to be in the child's best interest

x2boys · 29/12/2025 14:33

AirborneElephant · 29/12/2025 14:30

This is an incredibly sad situation. I think the only way you are going to get residential or foster care is if you simply refuse to pick him back up from school. They are going to try very hard to force you to be resident parent, up to and including legal threats and threats to also take your daughter into care. I experienced so much pressure just refusing to be my grandmothers carer, a tiny proportion of what you will encounter. So if it’s really something you don’t want you are going to need to refuse over and over again to allow him into the house.

In reality if you keep refusing and he is not inside your house they will then need to take care of him in the system, but if he’s physically with you they will not. The result may not be in the type of care you would want for him. But only you know how much more you can take ❤️💕

Then she will arrested for child abandonment, so thats not going to help .

Original poster
SENSummer · 29/12/2025 14:33

houseofisms · 29/12/2025 14:17

I was in your position a few years ago with a son very similar to yours. I kicked my (high ranking police) exh out after he lost it with our disabled son.
he left and rarely has anything to do with his children now.

mu advice once he’s gone, call out of hours social care (as they have to act on it) be honest about how you feel and that you’re about to have a full blown breakdown (in my case true) and they will step up the care package.

not something I could ever say out loud but I felt like I was living a prison term with my son until he turned 18 and could go to appropriate housing/care. I know that sounds horrific to most parents but people don’t understand what we go through.

i got cancer this year and after a major fight with SS my son (he’s 2-2-1) 11yo now lives in a residential home where he’s absolutely thriving because he has the team around him that he needs. Hrs even talking now!

my life was being housebound as I couldn’t leave the house with him. I was unable to drive with him in the car because he would escape the inescapable harnesses and try to strangle me.

my daughter 9 would literally just stay and eat in her room for safety.

im basically saying “I get it” as people not living this life can’t even pretend to know what it’s like!

please DM me if you’d like suggestions on equipment that makes your life slightly easier and can get through OT like safety sleeper bed and fingerprint recognition locks on doors etc xxx

I’m so sorry you went through that but honestly so relatable. I don’t want to get into a situation where I’m alone with DS and DD in a house without STBXH as I know I can’t keep myself or my DD safe and meet DS’s needs. I’m not willing to rely on social services coming through to keep me afloat. I’m just not willing to take DS. Hoping the solicitors can help.

OP posts:
wondering133 · 29/12/2025 14:35

Oh my gosh OP im so sorry about your situation- this is the so so sad.. I can't imagine how awful and upsetting this is for you.. sending you 🌺

Justlostmybagel · 29/12/2025 14:35

x2boys · 29/12/2025 14:33

Then she will arrested for child abandonment, so thats not going to help .

Show quote history

What is your advice to the OP? You seem to know a lot about this.

x2boys · 29/12/2025 14:36

MushroomQueen · 29/12/2025 14:24

It’s a long time ago now but a boy in my sisters primary school had to go to a residential home as his needs were too high for the family to manage with violence to both parents and siblings (it was a special needs school - severe autism in both my Dsis and the boy but v different manageability.) He thrived in the residential and they visit him regularly as an adult. I feel from the post it’s essential a risk assessment is carried out with the disability child protection team in your area. It’s so hard to live with this situation especially with a divorce approaching. Finding my adult sister a residential home was hard enough aged 25 without significant behavioural issues (albeit still with some) there were v v few places but they do exist but you need to fight for them and show need. They can be a significant distance away from you- I was a child and family worker for a boy in residential home for reviews etc (was training to be a social worker) so they do exist but the LA don’t want pay for them if they can avoid it - harsh but true

They do exist as you say
But its not an easy or simple process and they coat eye watering amounts.

Avantiagain · 29/12/2025 14:38

"There’s no places in residential anywhere’
‘He’s too young for residential care it would have to be foster care at his are but due to his physical size we won’t find foster carers willing or able to deal with him’"

He isn't too young for residential special school. My son's school had 5 year old residential pupils.

HHHMMM · 29/12/2025 14:39

Nocameltoeleggingsplease · 29/12/2025 13:56

Can you divorce but still live together? Could you put up with each other enough for that?
Because leaving sounds horrific and worse for everyone, especially you, whereas if STBEXH isn’t a total dickwad then maybe you could make an arrangement work??

This seems to be as the only realistic solution while focusing on getting residential care. You can't force DH to take your DS and he clearly indicated that he wouldn't take him no matter what.
I feel for everyone in the story, what a difficult and nightmarish situation!

x2boys · 29/12/2025 14:39

Justlostmybagel · 29/12/2025 14:35

What is your advice to the OP? You seem to know a lot about this.

Show quote history

The fact is there are not the resources peoole seems to think there are and you can't simply abandon a child hoping to force the LA,s hand
The Op can ask for a carers assessment and early help to try and get respite but even that is not a simple process it has to be agreed at panel

houseofisms · 29/12/2025 14:43

SENSummer · 29/12/2025 14:33

I’m so sorry you went through that but honestly so relatable. I don’t want to get into a situation where I’m alone with DS and DD in a house without STBXH as I know I can’t keep myself or my DD safe and meet DS’s needs. I’m not willing to rely on social services coming through to keep me afloat. I’m just not willing to take DS. Hoping the solicitors can help.

Show quote history

I just want you to know that it’s extremely difficult to get a young child into full time care. I was a single parent with him for 6 years which was horrific.

it took me getting cancer and massive fight with ss to get him into care. We are currently suing our local childrens services as at court we found out that our (very senior) social worker reported me to the Police for child abandonment and locking him in his room based on a report by an OT. There was never a report from ot (she’s lovely and is helping with our case) the SW has since retracted her complaint (and since disappeared) and it turns out she made that complaint to the police on the same day she got an absolute battering in a meeting!!!!

im basically saying, it’s not easy and you have to prepare to fight!

as for your husband, he sounds similar to my ex and just worked and went to the gym to avoid it. You won’t see much of him going on as if he’s like my ex “has a very important job and doesn’t have the time”