Dh never buys me little gifts … it makes me sad

[Runrabbitrunss]

Dh bought me a small gift on out first date many yeats ago . Which i have kept treasured , on display.
He very rarely gets me a gift , ..despite knowing how important ut is for me as it makes me feel
thought of and cherished.

He says its because
he does things like the household forma that i struggle massively with as i have adhd…
that he has to remember to do things that bother me like be mindful of noise or putting the loo seat down as ir he is not relaxed/ always aware - as the adhd side of me really struggles with strange things like this and i really struggle with some domestic life
( i am also fun tho !)
He says he maintains the car , insurance ,like that and works and does practical things to
show love
He also says it’s because he lacks confidence what to choose- so i say what about a nice soap or a candle
.. something easy ..
he then he also says things like well he never thinks about it , plus we are on a limited income.
A year ago , he promised to get gifts sometimes- but thei actually resulted in me feeling anxious , as i knew he would make an effort then just naturally stop despise teh promise when he heard how important it is to me .
He often says well I do so and for you …
he does buy flowers from aldi when there .

i feel awful now as gifts will just feel
sort of forced.
I’ve explained it s not the gift but the thought behind it

Have tried to
explain for
years …maybe i just need to accept that he shows love on his terms , not mine .
Any idea how to quell what feels like a need in me and to accept my possibe Bu ?

What gifts do you give him? And how often?

One thing I have learnt from my DH (I have been married a long time and my husband never used to give me a compliment which made me sad) I realised you cannot force someone to be who you want them to be. If you love being with him, take him as he is, don’t force or make anyone feel they SHOULD do or act in a certain way (manners and respect aside). If that is not good enough or right for you, then he is not for you. I feel for him tbh. Love is natural and not forced. You need to realign your expectations

Do you show love the same way - buy him little gifts, make special time for him to feel treated, loved and cherished? Or do you think that's something he needs to do for you but not the other way around because he wouldn't appreciate it?

People have different ‘love languages’ and this one is not one of his. YABU to be a sad little puppy over this one random thing when he probably shows you in a million other ways by being practical and consistent.

Do you buy him gifts?

I think you either have a partner that does it or they don’t. It’s hard to force someone. Thinking about it, most men I know aren’t particularly romantic. My husband is, but I don’t really know many like him.

He buys you flowers.

He is constantly remembering all the things that affect you.

He does all of the tasks you struggle with due to your ADHD.

And you're upset because he doesn't buy you a candle every couple of months when you're on a limited income?

You massively struggle with adhd and he had to adapt and compromise. He massively struggles with remembering to buy gifts when out and about and you are throwing a fit over it. He’s accepted who you are as a person but you won’t accept who he is. See how you might be acting unfairly?

When was the last time you bought him a little gift?

It's not occuring to him because for him small gifts =/= love. To him, he shows he cares in practical ways. I'm a bit like this: my husband loves to come home with a chocolate bar or a book or some flowers (which I love!), I'm more likely to have fixed the wonky chair in his home office or booked the car service in because he hates admin or washed his favourite clothes 'cos he's going out at the weekend and I know he'll want them. I'm still being thoughtful, just in a different way. As long as you do both feel loved, I think it's just how it goes - so as long as you know he loves you and he shows you that in his way (and he occasionally buys you flowers!) then I think that's still nice.

Stop being so materialistic. He does a lot and you come across as ungrateful. Needing to feel cherished… get real!

What little loving things do you do for your DH?

Buy him gifts?
Little note in his sandwich box to say you love him?
Tea in bed every morning (if not out at some ridiculous hour in which case it's a flask to take) (I only make it because I always wake first and am thirsty, so ulterior motive here)
Bake heart shaped cake/biscuits
Put a pastry heart on the family sized pie you bake and serve him that slice
Do /book/ buy something nice for our anniversary, even if it's just an M&S dine in for two offer

etc etc etc
All things I do/have done, but I do tell him NOT to waste money on cut flowers - instead he grows amazing fancy sweet peas, dahlias and other flowers so we have our own cut flowers

Recognise the ways he does show you love and then buy the little treats for yourself.

I think it is quite common not to buy random gifts. If i saw a candle that would suit our house then I would buy it, I wouldnt give it to dh as a gift. Fav chocolate bar if I am getting one for myself. I think occasional flowers is plenty.

Stop focusing on what he doesn't do and see what he does do.
Buy yourself little treats and accept what he does for you as him showing his love for you.

Him accomodating you and putting himself out for you shows more thought, love and care than a little gift.

I think it's an issue for you to work on with yourself tbh. Someone buying you a candle or a soap every few months doesn't show they love you. Being considerate to your additional needs day in and day out for years, that shows that they love you.

How do you show love for him?

I’m not sure what you’re expecting? You say he buys you flowers, that’s a gift. Does he get you gifts on your birthday and Christmas? Does he do his share of the cooking/cleaning etc? Does he make you a cup of tea when he’s making one without being asked? All of these things IMO are more important than a random bar of soap or a candle once in a while.

Honestly, I’d really struggle if DH told me he was sad I didn’t buy him little gifts for no reason and wanted me to make more effort. I’ll bring home random things now and again (usually more in the vein of “look at this GIANT POMEGRANATE I found for you at the grocer!”) but beyond that it would just be a chore on my list to have to think about choosing something. Gifts given out of obligation aren’t gifts - do you really want an obligation item?

People show love in different ways and it sounds as though he does show his appreciation for you if he’s physically and emotionally present, supportive, thinks to bring you flowers if he sees a bunch he feels you’d like. It would be different if he were none of those things and you were transposing feeling unloved onto gifts.

Hang on. He did start the little gifts as you asked but then it made you anxious? He can't win!
He shows love in all the praxtical things he does.

Look up the different love languages. He doesn't love you any less, he just shows it differently to you. The flowers are him trying to show it in the way you want, but he shows it more in acts of service - actually doing helpful things for you.

This is a you issue.

Wow it sounds like he already does lots of lovely things so you need to be grateful for what you already get. You mention he buys you flowers and he takes care of practical issues so you don't have to worry about them.
I agree with the comments suggesting you are being quite materialistic especially if you are asking him to buy you gifts.

I agree with you. It could be a 50p gift from the charity shop. It’s the thought behind it. I like little gifts and surprises, anyone would be lying if they said they didn’t

Fun fact: people are different.

Plenty of people think little gifts and surprises are a pointless waste of money, and would far rather be brought a cup of tea in bed everyday.

I am absolutely not being materialistic! A £1 shop item , or flower s picked from my own garden with a bit of twine round - all good - its about the thought

So, again, when do you do all this for your DH?

The so called acts of service mean so much more, taking on tasks for the family you find difficult, just consistently being there. I'd much rather someone puts de-icer in my windscreen wipers than buy me a shit candle for £1. IME the men who buy presents are the ones to watch out for.
DH has taken to putting on my heated seat when I get in the car before I'm buckled in regardless of whether I'm driving or he is, I like that, it's thoughtful.