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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Dh never buys me little gifts … it makes me sad

79 replies

Runrabbitrunss · 29/12/2025 10:39

Dh bought me a small gift on out first date many yeats ago . Which i have kept treasured , on display.
He very rarely gets me a gift , ..despite knowing how important ut is for me as it makes me feel
thought of and cherished.

He says its because
he does things like the household forma that i struggle massively with as i have adhd…
that he has to remember to do things that bother me like be mindful of noise or putting the loo seat down as ir he is not relaxed/ always aware - as the adhd side of me really struggles with strange things like this and i really struggle with some domestic life
( i am also fun tho !)
He says he maintains the car , insurance ,like that and works and does practical things to
show love
He also says it’s because he lacks confidence what to choose- so i say what about a nice soap or a candle
.. something easy ..
he then he also says things like well he never thinks about it , plus we are on a limited income.
A year ago , he promised to get gifts sometimes- but thei actually resulted in me feeling anxious , as i knew he would make an effort then just naturally stop despise teh promise when he heard how important it is to me .
He often says well I do so and for you …
he does buy flowers from aldi when there .

i feel awful now as gifts will just feel
sort of forced.
I’ve explained it s not the gift but the thought behind it

Have tried to
explain for
years …maybe i just need to accept that he shows love on his terms , not mine .
Any idea how to quell what feels like a need in me and to accept my possibe Bu ?

OP posts:

TheCurious0range · 29/12/2025 15:47

mumofb2 · 29/12/2025 12:08

I agree with you. It could be a 50p gift from the charity shop. It’s the thought behind it. I like little gifts and surprises, anyone would be lying if they said they didn’t

I would hate a 50p gift from the charity shop.

Enigma54 · 29/12/2025 15:49

Sounds like he does loads for you already OP. You can both show love and respect in different ways, without having to buy stuff.

MylipstickiscalledHugMe · 29/12/2025 15:53

That's really sad for you OP. It's a real shame he won't do this thing that he knows will make you feel really loved.

I don't know what to advise, seems like you've tried everything. I suppose ideally you'd let it go, but I don't know how to go about doing that.

taxguru · 29/12/2025 15:55

My OH is the same, but that's absolutely fine with me because of all the practical things he does that makes life easier. I'd rather have a husband who knows what day to put the bin out without pestering than one who occasionally buys a trivial gift. Likewise, he looks after a lot of the household life admin, i.e. finances, cars, insurance, utilities etc., which is a weight off my mind. I'd rather that than a random box of chocs occasionally.

He used to do "thoughtful" things when we first got together, which was romantic at the time, but we've grown up and don't need that anymore. What's more important to both of us is mutual respect, helping and supporting each other, doing our respective marriage "jobs" properly etc which all makes life a lot easier. I'm a bit old to swoon at the sight of a bouquet of flowers being delivered!!

Ultimately, though, we're both head rather than heart kinds of people, and we're very similar personalities, so it works for us.

liveforsummer · 29/12/2025 15:55

Poor guy sounds like he’s juggling enough without having to constantly remember small but thoughtful gifts. He’s showing his love in other ways

taxguru · 29/12/2025 15:56

Enigma54 · 29/12/2025 15:49

Sounds like he does loads for you already OP. You can both show love and respect in different ways, without having to buy stuff.

Nail on the head. That's us!

HermioneWeasley · 29/12/2025 15:59

Every day he moderates his behaviour to fit in with your disability - that’s love and consideration.

McSpoot · 29/12/2025 16:02

Runrabbitrunss · 29/12/2025 15:42

I am absolutely not being materialistic! A £1 shop item , or flower s picked from my own garden with a bit of twine round - all good - its about the thought

And what thoughtful things do you do for him? From your description, he does A LOT of thoughtful things for you.

MapleOakPine · 29/12/2025 16:06

Runrabbitrunss · 29/12/2025 15:42

I am absolutely not being materialistic! A £1 shop item , or flower s picked from my own garden with a bit of twine round - all good - its about the thought

But don't you think all the things he does do for you also show thought and care? He's just not a "gifts" person.

Parsleyforme · 29/12/2025 16:30

Have you two spoken about love languages? The ones you give and the ones you want to receive?

It sounds like his is acts of service but you would like it to be giving gifts. For giving/receiving gifts to be common enough for it to be included in the list means you’re not materialistic, it’s just the way that you feel thought of and loved.

Maybe you could suggest a talk about love languages as it might help him see how important it is for you and that it’s reasonably common to want to receive love in this way. He might want to think about how it feels when he doesn’t receive his desired love language from you. Or failing that, how it feels when you don’t want to have sex with him as that’s something all men can relate to 🙄

Edit: I know other people are saying he does a lot around the house. But are we really counting putting the loo seat down and insuring the car as going out of his way or showing acts of love? But if he does lots more round the house then yes he probably already has a lot to do

Aimtodobetter · 29/12/2025 16:36

This seems very strange to me - I can see how if he was buying you little gifts you could find it nice (I would find it stressful as I already already buy what I want) - but I struggle to see why you would be sad that he doesn’t do it. It’s not like this is the standard thing one does for the people in your life and by not doing it he is letting you down. Maybe try to work out why you feel he needs to prove his love to you this way to make you feel valued as it seems like it might be a deeper personal issue you have with how you feel about yourself? I agree with his comments that he is better off focusing on the important stuff for supporting your life together.

Aimtodobetter · 29/12/2025 16:38

TheCurious0range · 29/12/2025 15:47

I would hate a 50p gift from the charity shop.

Show quote history

Me too!!

frozendaisy · 29/12/2025 16:39

When you first were dating he probably bought you gifts because he wasn’t having to think about the other endless list of things you are expecting him to do to keep you happy.

Now as the list has got longer and he is doing those things daily to “prove” he thinks about you he probably thinks “little thoughtful gifts” can be knocked off the end of the list

You sound needy OP and that’s fine some people are but you can be too needy to the point that the other person comes to the conclusion it’s no longer worth it.

SoulSearchBeHonest · 29/12/2025 16:39

HermioneWeasley · 29/12/2025 15:59

Every day he moderates his behaviour to fit in with your disability - that’s love and consideration.

This.

He also buys you flowers.

A relationship is a 2 way thing. What do.you do for him except mean about what he doesn't do?

Millytante · 29/12/2025 16:41

BeforeSigourneyWeaverTheyWoveTheirOwnSigourneys · 29/12/2025 10:53

He buys you flowers.

He is constantly remembering all the things that affect you.

He does all of the tasks you struggle with due to your ADHD.

And you're upset because he doesn't buy you a candle every couple of months when you're on a limited income?

I think OP is being very unreasonable. It’s certainly made me effing furious!

She’s got some fantasy romance in her head, and it’s made her intent on casting her chap as always letting her down, and this is lousy behaviour towards a clearly very caring and patient man, who deserves to be treated with far more gratitude and respect.
If she wants a man who displays his love in material things, she should go out and find one instead of all this stupid wallowing, making this fellow feel he’s inadequate for her (considerable) needs.

SomethingRattling · 29/12/2025 16:42

Blimey OP, the gifts certainly would feel 'forced' because you are putting a huge amount of energy into forcing them. Let it go! The man doesn't do gifts just as you don't do filling in forms. People are different. It's fine.

FestiveFancy · 29/12/2025 16:45

I say this gently, as someone with ADHD herself, yabu OP.

The need for "little signs/presents to show that he cares" is a really common thing, as it provides some validation/reassurance that he's thinking of you, but honestly, as hard as it may be, you need to take a step back and look at all the things he's doing day in day out to make your life easier. He's doing the jobs that you find hard, he's altering his behaviour and patterns to suit your idiosyncrasies - every single time he does something that could be noisy/triggering/problematic for you, he's thinking "oh that'll be upsetting for her" and adjusting it, because he's thinking of you. Your life would be harder if he didn't do all those things, and he knows it, and he's doing it because he's thinking of you and loves you. In terms of love languages "gift giving" is a common ND one as the element of buying for someone else gives a dopamine hit, as does their reaction when they are pleased, and in return the surprise and 'new thing' give easy dopamine too, but that's not his language and you can't change that.

What's more, he did once try the present thing, but they caused you anxiety, he's stuck between a rock and a hard place, and is still buying flowers when he's shopping .You need to learn to see what he is doing /giving and step back from the "if it's not a physical purchase/gift he hasn't shown he cares", as it sounds like he's caring day in, day out, not just when he's passing a shop and going "oh shit, I'd better get a present to keep her happy". Some therapy may help with this to identify why you need gifts to feel thought of and cherished.

If he's working, doing car maintenance and all the jobs you don't like and modifying his behaviour to keep you regulated, what are you doing back to make him feel loved and cherished? Because if he's doing all the house work on his own while you sit around, and you think it's offset by getting him a £1 present while you were out you'll likely find he ends up feeling drained pretty quickly

Bjorkdidit · 29/12/2025 16:45

mumofb2 · 29/12/2025 12:08

I agree with you. It could be a 50p gift from the charity shop. It’s the thought behind it. I like little gifts and surprises, anyone would be lying if they said they didn’t

Most people would quickly get tired of the tirade of crap filling up their house if they were regularly presented with 50 p surprise gifts from the charity shop.

Daisydoesnt · 29/12/2025 16:48

Runrabbitrunss · 29/12/2025 15:42

I am absolutely not being materialistic! A £1 shop item , or flower s picked from my own garden with a bit of twine round - all good - its about the thought

But OP, don’t you see that the things he does do - unbidden, without you reminding him - that you mentioned in your original post, ARE demonstrations that you are in his thoughts, and that he cares about you and your wellbeing?

Be very careful is my advice.

He sounds like a caring thoughtful person, and instead of being appreciative of his thoughtfulness you are criticising him because he’s not doing it in the “right way”. Hackneyed acts like buying a candle under instruction (!) are meaningless in comparison with those little day to day acts that reveal his true care and understanding. If you really love the man, love the way he expresses his care for you and not wish he was something else.

Minnie798 · 29/12/2025 16:48

HermioneWeasley · 29/12/2025 15:59

Every day he moderates his behaviour to fit in with your disability - that’s love and consideration.

I agree. I think I'd feel constantly on edge in his shoes.

mumofb2 · 29/12/2025 16:51

Bjorkdidit · 29/12/2025 16:45

Most people would quickly get tired of the tirade of crap filling up their house if they were regularly presented with 50 p surprise gifts from the charity shop.

Show quote history

Obviously.. the point I was making was it doesn’t have to be expensive. It’s the thought behind it

OrdinaryGirl · 29/12/2025 16:54

Dear OP, of course you are not being materialistic. It sounds like gifts are your love language, and that’s fine!
Maybe get both of you to do the Love Languages quiz and have a chat about the results. Yes it’s cheesy, but it’s also a really effective way to start a conversation about how you each make the other feel loved. Give it go 😊 Good luck OP

5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/love-language

cherish123 · 29/12/2025 16:55

Most of the post about him doing the housework was irrelevant. You want spontaneous gifts and he doesn't get yiu them. You sound a bit entitled. Do you buy him gifts? I suspect he wouldn't want them. Waste of money if money is tight.

OrdinaryGirl · 29/12/2025 16:55

PS. FWIW it sounds like his primary love language may be Acts of Service

BeforeSigourneyWeaverTheyWoveTheirOwnSigourneys · 29/12/2025 16:57

mumofb2 · 29/12/2025 16:51

Obviously.. the point I was making was it doesn’t have to be expensive. It’s the thought behind it

Show quote history

What about the thought behind all of the modifications to his behaviour because of ops ADHD?

What about him doing all of the tasks she can't do?

What about all of the practical things he does because op really struggles?

What about him promising op he would get her gifts which resulted in her feeling anxious all the time?

What about the flowers he buys her?

I would say he thinks about her all of the time, and a 50p bar of soap means absolutely fuck all when you consider everything else he does.

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