Dh never buys me little gifts … it makes me sad

[Runrabbitrunss]

Dh bought me a small gift on out first date many yeats ago . Which i have kept treasured , on display.
He very rarely gets me a gift , ..despite knowing how important ut is for me as it makes me feel
thought of and cherished.

He says its because
he does things like the household forma that i struggle massively with as i have adhd…
that he has to remember to do things that bother me like be mindful of noise or putting the loo seat down as ir he is not relaxed/ always aware - as the adhd side of me really struggles with strange things like this and i really struggle with some domestic life
( i am also fun tho !)
He says he maintains the car , insurance ,like that and works and does practical things to
show love
He also says it’s because he lacks confidence what to choose- so i say what about a nice soap or a candle
.. something easy ..
he then he also says things like well he never thinks about it , plus we are on a limited income.
A year ago , he promised to get gifts sometimes- but thei actually resulted in me feeling anxious , as i knew he would make an effort then just naturally stop despise teh promise when he heard how important it is to me .
He often says well I do so and for you …
he does buy flowers from aldi when there .

i feel awful now as gifts will just feel
sort of forced.
I’ve explained it s not the gift but the thought behind it

Have tried to
explain for
years …maybe i just need to accept that he shows love on his terms , not mine .
Any idea how to quell what feels like a need in me and to accept my possibe Bu ?

OP I’m sorry you’re getting a lot of stick. I would say kindly as I can, ADHD does fuck with your mind in relationships and the fear of rejection can be overwhelming sometimes. So try to focus on you and your ND and why you might find this lack of little tributes coming in so hard.
Maybe can you put this energy into finding ways that you’d both enjoy where you are likely to have a little dopamine hit together? That could be great and bring you closer together.

My DH has never bought me little gifts in 30years of marriage - aside from Christmas, birthdays, flowers for Valentines and our anniversary.

He does a lot for me - surely that matters more?

My DH never buys me gifts outside of Christmas and birthdays and these days I generally give him a list to choose from as I do not need any more jewellery, scarves or bags. I get flowers for Mother’s Day and Valentine’s Day.

Outside of that, nothing. If I want something I will buy it myself. I don’t buy DH random gifts either, do you ?

It sounds as if your DH is very thoughtful towards you on a day to day basis.

You still haven't answered, OP - do you buy regular little gifts for him? Or is this something you just think men should do for women?

To be honest he sounds like a very very loving bloke who does lots of lovely things for you.

I have NEVER had a partner buy me flowers on impulse, for example!

If this desire for small gifts is so overwhelming in you, maybe he is not the guy for you and you need to step aside and leave him to someone who would really appreciate all his kindness.

Because you can't MAKE him be a spontaneous gift giver, if he just isn't....

I assume you buy him regular small gifts? As well as showing your love in all other possible ways.....

ExH used to buy me little gifts and spoil me all the time. Turns out he was a massive cheating bastard.
i am now remarried and my DH wouldn’t think of buying me gifts in such a way but what he does is love, support and understand me in a way my ex would never have even tried too. I would take this a million times over a bunch of flowers any day.

What have you bought for him though? It would be helpful to know what you see as good thoughtful spontaneous gifts for him, when it’s not his birthday or Christmas.

See, I completely disagree.

Of all the love languages, giving gifts is the one I have the least interest in. I associate it with when I was a child and my dad occasionally went away for work and would bring me a toy or a book back.

It feels like a very parental thing to do to me.

My ex husband was very much into giving and receiving gifts but it meant that the house was always full of pointless crap I didn't need, use, want or display. I didn't buy for him either because it just never occurred to me until I got home and saw his face.

So, no, I'm not lying when I say I wouldn't particularly like little gifts or surprises and I'm not bothered about flowers either. Certainly not a random bar of soap, a candle or something for 50p from a charity shop. What a waste of time!

Ffs she’s not asking for much!!!! A little pressie now and again just to keep her happy and thought about!!!! Seriously!!! If it’s a little tiny thing just a couple of quid it’s really not asking the world and more my god, calling her materialistic, what does she do for him ffs give her a break.

I love flowers. I would love my DH to buy me flowers. Ask him and he can name, in order, my three favourite flowers. But, does he ever buy me flowers? No! His love language is actors of service. He doesn’t buy flowers or candles or anything else, and we can afford it.

After 38 years of marriage I remind myself of all the things he does do to show he loves me (he just made me some late night toast) and when I want to, I buy my own flowers, because I’m worth it.

Totally unreasonable!
My husband and I have been together for over 40 years, we never give each other gifts, no matter what the occasion
We both put money every month into our holiday fund, I’d rather do this than have a crappy cheap candle or air freshener from the pound shop!

exactly! !

If I never see the phrase "love language" again I'll be very happy

I don't live with my fiancé (yet) but we spent about 50% of the week together.

He shows me he loves me by:-

de-icing my car on a frosty morning.
Putting out my recycling and bins
washing up things that can't go in the dishwasher
doing my diy
putting the toilet seat down
bringing me coffee in bed in the morning
cooking me supper
brushing my long hair after I've showered
playing with my hair whilst I watch a film as this relaxes me
texting me morning each day when we aren't together and checking to see how I've slept (I have bipolar so good sleep is vital to my MH)

giving me the remote control when we've having a lazy day in front of the tv
making my fav cheesecake
knowing my fav cocktail, finding the recipe and making it for me at home
Peeling the potatoes and chopping the veg
Buying my fav squash to keep at his home
Checking the oil on my car
Washing my car and emptying it of rubbish
Getting the Christmas tree out for me in November and happily setting it up with me

I could go on.

He does things that he knows makes me happy or helps me to make my life easier.

He doesn't buy me little gifts. But he will pay for meals out, the Uber after a night out, the coffee and cake we had today when out shopping, the treats he told me to put in the trolley when we were in Waitrose.

I've had flowers off him once in 8 years!

A Partner does not have to buy you material things to show love. He sounds like he's doing a lot to show you love and you aren't reading the signs. Give the guy a break! Out of i greet what gifts todo you buy him?

Couldn't agree more. It's a cringeworthy load of psychobabble nonsense!

Why would someone be lying if they said they didn't? I don't need 50p things from the charity shop, I have enough stuff, I appreciate the thought behind it but I either have to find somewhere to put it or get rid of it.

My Best friend will probably never buy me a random gift, 50p or otherwise but when I come to stay at hers, she's pulled my favourite bath towel out of the cupboard (that she HATES because its hot pink in her beautiful green bathroom 😂), will text me pictures of the stars from her very clear sky country house knowing my inner city view is shit and will make sure I, as someone who was once extremely overweight and cannot get out of that mindset that I will break furniture, am 100% comfortable on a chair or sofa.

Loving someone is not gifts

vanillalattes

I cook his lunch and tea everty single day

i take him tea in bed

i make sure her has time to himself

i do the whole of the house wor
k

when we have guests t take pressure of him i do all the bedding, menu planning

i ask him out for coffees/ beer

entertain / cook for his mates

i buy in bulk his fave cereal so he never runs out

i buy him treats from the shops as well as cook him healthy snack bars, cakes .
i buy him clothes .

check he is ok

fold his clothes

So you don't buy him the little gifts you seem to expect him to buy for you?

Sorry, but I think you are being ridiculous and very materialistic.

DH and I have been together for over 40 years and married for 32 of those. We usually only buy each other gifts for Christmas and birthdays. We've never just done random gifts for each other just because, and we would each think the other had gone doolally if they started that nonsense.

But he’s said that it doesn’t come naturally to him to search out gifts for you and it makes him anxious. A good relationship means accepting that sometimes the things you want aren’t sustainable things if they put a sense of obligation or anxiety onto your partner. If he said for example “I’d like you to send me a text message every day at 5pm saying you’ve missed me and are looking forward to seeing me when I get home from work” wouldn’t that just become an obligation rather than a nice thing? And if you said you that it made you anxious because you feel your ADHD means you’d often forget, would you want him to keep on pressuring you because it’s “just one tiny little thing and costs nothing” and he struggles to feel cherished without it?

A lot of the things you’ve said you do for him (shopping, laundry, cooking meals, hosting guests) to show love are great - and he does very similar things in return for you (providing financially, household admin, working around your triggers) to show love.

It absolutely is cringey. And it’s become the latest therapy-type thing that people bang on about. BUT, it is really effective. I have seen it help a lot of couples. It’s a blunt instrument in some ways, but on the other hand, it’s a simple and quick enough tool to illuminate some areas of misunderstanding and to signpost what works for the person you’re with.
You can’t help what kind of thing makes you FEEL loved. 🤷🏼‍♀️ A number of posters upbraiding the OP for not simply feeling grateful for her lot - but she’s just communicating that she feels a little bit of sadness in missing an aspect of a loving relationship that means a lot to her.

If I knew there was a tiny gesture that made DH feel cared for and loved, and which was pretty easy for me to do, I’d want to know about it, because doesn’t this kind of shiz all go towards a solid, happy relationship?

I kinda of think that if he did suddenly start buying you gifts, you wouldn’t be satisfied. After a month or two, you’d be expecting him to do something else.

You need to calm down your brain on this (but I appreciate it’s difficult with adhd)

He sounds like a great guy, you just have different love languages. (There's a really useful book on it.)
My husband and I don't have gifts as either of our love languages. Between us ours are quality time, words of affirmation and acts of service.

Is it normal for couples to buy each other random little gifts then? Ah well.

Amen. It’s utterly nauseating.