Lonely dad, emotionally absent wife

[Outdoordad]

I need some female advice. I'm a married dad of two and I feel like I'm lost. I've been with my wife for 16 years, and married for 7. Our sex life has been up and down the whole time. Great initially, then non existent for many years (postpartum depression, I didn't pressure her, I understood). And then around 5 years ago it was really good. Having sex 2 or 3 times a week. And it wasn't just the frequency of sex that improved. She seemed to enjoy it more. She became less inhibited and we would have sex in the middle of the day and she was more open to trying new things. Around the same time she started reading a lot on her kindle. This became apparent during the first lockdown when we had all day to do nothing and she would lie in the sun in the garden and just read. I asked what she was reading and she would just answer "all kind of things". Anyway some time later she left her kindle on the kitchen counter and it was open. I wasn't snooping (then) but I looked at it just out of curiosity. It was then I found out that she was reading erotic novels. This surprised me as she was always against things like porn or sex toys or anything like that. I didn't say anything cause it was none of my business.
Then around 6 months ago things just stopped. She started making excuses like she was on her period (I knew she wasn't cause she's always kept her pads on the radiator on the bathroom when she was.on). We've had sex once in the last 6 months. I haven't asked her why cause she doesn't really like talking about this kind of thing. She reads these books constantly, even during the day when the kids are in the room. She doesn't know that I know. She's very obvious when she tries to hide it. I walk in the room and she closes her phone (she uses the kindle app on her phone now). If I sit next to her she turns towards me slightly so I can't see her screen. When we were on holiday she would move her lounger so I couldn't see her screen. I often wake up in the middle of the night and find her awake reading. I don't really care that she's reading these kinds of books, what bothers me is that there's no intimacy. It also bothers me that she's so secretive about it. I feel like she doesn't trust me. I'm beyond depressed and it's getting to the point where I think I'd rather be alone than live like this (I'm literally in tears writing this). I need some outsider viewpoints and I'll answer any questions no matter how personal.

I need some female advice.

You need some manners.

Is she reading erotica or romance books? Can you tell us the titles so we can see the content?

Because this happened to a friend of mine, she started reading romance books and the romance, relationships and sex life of the characters showed her what she wanted in a relationship and what was lacking in the relationship she was in and she ended her relationship.

Sudden withdrawal of intimacy (all kinds) very often means there's someone else. I'm sorry you're feeling abandoned.

I think I'd rather be alone than live like this

Alongside many, many others, I can attest from personal experience that there's NO loneliness like the loneliness of being with someone you love, but being in that relationship all by yourself. Being alone's a walk in the park by comparison.

How old are your children, how's your relationship with them? Are you (or can you be) well prepared to be a good 50% parent?

She's your wife. Talk to her. Communicate !

She's reading her books out of a need for intimacy or excitement or romance. You staying silent is not exactly supportive or engaged, is it.

When was the last time you took her away somewhere interesting without the dcs? Does she work? Does she have her own money to book holidays and activities, or is she reliant on you?

What would happen if you arranged care for the dcs and took her away for the weekend? New places, new experiences, a change of scene and food, no responsibilities.

For women, much more than men, wanting sex is much more closely linked to how they feel about the relationship in general.

So, things like an imbalance in the domestic load, “parenting” a partner etc tend to kill sex drive for women when the two things feel unconnected for men.

The reason I’m writing that is because you said that her sex drive dipped significantly post partum, which is a time when women often end up with an unfair workload.

You don’t have to answer this here but do you do 50% of the work in the home, including a fair share of the planning, organising, sorting kids etc. If you’re at all unsure, I’d ask her the question of whether she thinks that you do 50 percent.

Its not guaranteed to fix things, but if you don’t do your share, then switching to 50/50 May well go a long way towards improving things.

Why? He is only asking for advice.

I think that poster meant he could've said please.

I think you need to be open and honest here. And talk about what is happening.

Have the conversation about the books she is reading. She is hiding them from you for some reason.

When I got divorced (in another country) we had to stand in front of the judge and tell him two reasons for the marriage breakdown. We were over 50 people in court that day. A mix of male and female.

I was number 40 something so heard most others give their reasons. Almost every single one (including me) gave 'breakdown of communication' as one of the reasons.

It was actually quite an eye opener that this is the running theme through nearly every single case.

So, for a start, talk about this and have a proper conversation. If things need changing, then make those changes. If you don't, you will continue on none the wiser.

Could the surge in libido be related to perimenopause? Some women have an increase due to hormonal changes at this time. Maybe she’s out the other side of this so interest has waned?

She's escaping. You've already lost her mental presence, her physical presence will follow when the time's right for her. Your answer to the domestic workload/finances question further up thread will tell us more about her mindset than your description of your sex life.

Feeling lonely in a relationship is awful, and I sympathise. It usually means the end of the marital road, but it’s worth talking first.

The only way forward is an honest talk, and if you both feel you’d be happier apart, then more talking about how to try and split amicably and do your best by your children.

Women connect physical with emotional more than men. Show her affection during the day (not expecting or implying it lead to sex). Hug, kiss, pay her compliments. Take up any jobs you can at home and take off both the mental and physical load off her.

She’s keeping the books secret as she’s embarrassed. She’s using them as escapism. Trying to get the emotional connection through the characters that she obviously doesn’t feel she is getting in real life. Hopefully with the above steps you can give her what she’s is missing and she won’t retreat any further. The worry is if she thinks she can get that connection in real life from someone else.

I agree. It almost always starts with the washing up and domestic load.

Take some of the stresses off her, pay some non sexual attention and start to connect.

Foreplay doesn’t start i. The bedroom, it’s all the help you give during the day, putting washing on, cooking dinner, cleaning the kitchen, all the mundane tasks. Also, giving her a foot rub without it leading to sex, intimacy without the sex, stroking her hair etc. These things first. X

Is she intimate in non-sexual ways? Hand holding while out, hugs etc?

Or has she withdrawn all intimacy?

Only thing to do is talk to her really.

I think the books are being scapegoated here, but she may just really like romance. I like crime, doesnt mean i want to be a serial killer. I enjoy puzzling things out, she maybe enjoys human relationships.

The books have been consistent, her sex drive hasnt, so i'd put money on it being her hormones and the state of the relationship. Pro tip - if you only touch her in the hope of sex, she will take it ALL away as a protective measure. Keep touching, but make it obvious you're not just using her for onething and you actually love her as a human partner.

And talk to her!

I read lots too - on my kindle, phone, physical books. I can confidently say I’ve probably read the same books as your wife! If you’re focusing on the books it says to me that you’re focusing on the easy target. Erotic novels is also a strong term, it’s likely to be actual fantasy or romantasy with some sex scenes in rather than page on page of bonking solidly for 300+ pages. She’s maybe secretive about it because she doesn’t want to be questioned about her escapism, or realistically it’s because you’re clearly judgemental about them “reads these books even with the kids in the room” - there’s zero wrong with that!

In the Facebook groups for reading, there’s often posts from women who’ve started reading fantasy books with a romance subplot who then come to a realisation that their real life isn’t quite what they wanted it to be in terms of romance. They’re reading books about men who will burn the world down (however impractical that sounds) for a woman, then they look at their husband who’s just left dirty towels everywhere and is sat farting on the sofa. It just breeds bad feeling!

Hand on heart, are you an equal partner? Do you do you share of chores, childcare, mental load, house bits and pieces and just general day to day life admin? Do you support her? Are you emotionally available for her?

It seems like you were used to the way your intimate life was before her reading, then it was her who changed during lockdown and your sex life picked up - again it’s her who’s changed now and it’s back down. What have you been doing during this entire period?

You've not even attempted to address the change in the last 6 months, because “she doesn’t like talking about these things” - have you considered it’s because nothing changes? Or you don’t listen?

I agree with posters wholeheartedly who asks you to communicate with your wife. I do think she’s not helping matters lying about being on her period and things like that but maybe that conversation came about at a time when kids were in ear shot/you asked after an exhaustingly long day and she just couldn’t face it? Make sure the setting is right for communication to happen.
My husband used to bring serious topics up after I’d been on my feet for 12 hours working, then cleaning and sorting everything else. I would inwardly roll my eyes so hard and clam up like life depended on it. I was doing well just keeping my eyes open for his rant.
Communication in a relationship is huge and it sounds as if you’ve let so many years go by, quietly observing.
You seem to genuinely love your wife which is a very important start, but in your post you weren’t as good as observing your own actions as you were hers. I don’t think the books are anywhere near as relevant as you think - it’s something she enjoys doing when her time isn’t taken up with other chores. Are there other things you both enjoy doing together, to have some quality time as a couple? Reading can sometimes be a way of escaping reality, you’re right about that. What are you doing when she’s reading?
From a woman’s point of view, men put too much emphasis on the actual act of sex, there are SO many other things important. Little touches throughout the day, stroking my arm when watching tv, rubbing my shoulders, a cuddle in the kitchen while you wait for the kettle to boil. But first and foremost- communication. Don’t obsess over the books, that’s NOT the reason you’re not in a good place right now.
I’d also pay attention to her physical health - society has finally, finally begun opening its eyes and listening to middle aged women about what their bodies are going through. In a lifetime, a woman’s body goes through SO much a man never has to worry about. And their take away is very often “I want more sex”. If anything is going to put a woman off, it’s a man wanting sex when she’s feeling like crap. And it doesn’t have to be perimenopause putting her off intimacy, she could be depressed or have issues with her thyroid or other health conditions. Maybe she isn’t well and you’re focusing on the wrong thing entirely right now.
Speak to each other and re evaluate what you are doing differently to when things were great 6 years ago.
Good luck.

So she’s not ‘emotionally absent’ as per the title, it’s that she’s not having sex with you as often as you’d like. Sorry to be cynical! As per the other posters, I agree that for many women the desire to have sex is linked to other things in the relationship. If she’s feeling unsupported/taken for granted/carrying all of the mental load that will have an huge impact. The books may be an escape from everyday life or may be meeting an emotional need that’s absent from her life, or they’re just a bit of escapist fun. Either way don’t blame the books - talk to her!

It's difficult to reply to so many at once but I'll try.
I do probably 80% of the housework. She works as a teacher so I understand she's tired in the evening. I also go out it of my way to make sure things are done so she can just relax at night. I have two jobs and I'll finish one job, pick up the kids from school, feed them, feed our pets, empty the dishwasher and sort the laundry and do as much as I can before going to my other job at night.
I'm a very romantic person. I randomly bring her flowers for no reason, I take her out to dinner whenever we get a chance. I'm a very huggy/kissy person and sometimes she is, sometimes she isn't. It's much less so these days. I try to give her as much personal attention as I can. She gives me none by the way and affection is almost always initiated by me.
I don't think she's cheating on me. Between our jobs and kids neither of us have the time and I don't think she would even if she had the time.
The books are probably what I would call modern day romance with a lot of sex, at least I'm assuming there's a lot of sex since the 4/5 times I've seen them there's been sex on the page every time.
Someone said there's nothing wrong with reading sex stories while the kids are around. I disagree with that and if she caught me doing it I bet she wouldn't react well.
Having conversations like this isn't something she enjoys. She never opens up about anything (never has). She tends to bottle things up till we have an argument and then she lets it all out. I've always tried to be someone she can open up to and always listened on the few occasions she has opened up.
She's never been one to initiate sex either. It's always been me but I can never ever tell if she's going to want it or not. Most of the time I feel like if I try I'll get rejected.
It's the lack of intimacy and connection I miss most (honestly I can deal with the lack of sex). I just want to feel loved and wanted

So she shows you very little attention, you do the majority of the housework, and do two jobs

On an evening when you're sorting the housework, what is she doing?

I think you are just going to have to tell her how you feel wether she likes it or not, it's a huge problem if you cannot talk about intimacy with your partner.

Every word of this. So applicable to so many men sorry!

Reading or just scrolling on Facebook. She has a tough job and I know she must be emotionally exhausted so I let her do what she wants.

Much as she doesn't like conversations like that, you're going to have to talk to her about how you feel OP.

It sounds like you can't do any more to help her relax and unwind. It's your life too.