Lonely dad, emotionally absent wife

[Outdoordad]

I need some female advice. I'm a married dad of two and I feel like I'm lost. I've been with my wife for 16 years, and married for 7. Our sex life has been up and down the whole time. Great initially, then non existent for many years (postpartum depression, I didn't pressure her, I understood). And then around 5 years ago it was really good. Having sex 2 or 3 times a week. And it wasn't just the frequency of sex that improved. She seemed to enjoy it more. She became less inhibited and we would have sex in the middle of the day and she was more open to trying new things. Around the same time she started reading a lot on her kindle. This became apparent during the first lockdown when we had all day to do nothing and she would lie in the sun in the garden and just read. I asked what she was reading and she would just answer "all kind of things". Anyway some time later she left her kindle on the kitchen counter and it was open. I wasn't snooping (then) but I looked at it just out of curiosity. It was then I found out that she was reading erotic novels. This surprised me as she was always against things like porn or sex toys or anything like that. I didn't say anything cause it was none of my business.
Then around 6 months ago things just stopped. She started making excuses like she was on her period (I knew she wasn't cause she's always kept her pads on the radiator on the bathroom when she was.on). We've had sex once in the last 6 months. I haven't asked her why cause she doesn't really like talking about this kind of thing. She reads these books constantly, even during the day when the kids are in the room. She doesn't know that I know. She's very obvious when she tries to hide it. I walk in the room and she closes her phone (she uses the kindle app on her phone now). If I sit next to her she turns towards me slightly so I can't see her screen. When we were on holiday she would move her lounger so I couldn't see her screen. I often wake up in the middle of the night and find her awake reading. I don't really care that she's reading these kinds of books, what bothers me is that there's no intimacy. It also bothers me that she's so secretive about it. I feel like she doesn't trust me. I'm beyond depressed and it's getting to the point where I think I'd rather be alone than live like this (I'm literally in tears writing this). I need some outsider viewpoints and I'll answer any questions no matter how personal.

Why do you need female advice?

Could she be depressed?

Does she spend time with the dc? Assuming they're still at home

Has there been any external things that could have affected her in the last few months?

To be honest, it sounds like you need a proper talk with her. Find out why she's checked out emotionally.

If she won't talk about it then you might be happier on your own.

Unfair and unnecessary

From a woman's perspective

Quelle suprise. Another perfect husband who's wife is neglecting him and he has no idea why.

These mrn ALWAYS do the majority of the housework, deal with the kids and allows the wife to do nothing but relax all evening.

Pull the other one. It's got bells on it.

Oh and fyi, reading erotic fiction is NOT the same as watching women being fucked in every orifice.

No one said it was the same.

However, doing anything so much that it's detrimental to your relationships is not a good thing, whether that's reading, sport, gaming etc

What do you mean?

Before I opened the thread I read 'lonely dad, no sex'
As I knew that's what the thread would boil down to. Maybe I'm being harsh. Sex life waxing and waning. Its normal. Libido decreasing as we age. It happens. Discuss this directly with her and not here with randoms on the Interweb.

I haven't read all the replies so I apologise if I'm echoing.

I read the odd romance/explicit novel. I too wouldn't be open about it with my DP. Not sure why not. Reading these books can definitely improve my sexual desire. Problem is, DP isn't the sex gods of said books! 🫣 So even if I had some ideas from reading a raunchy novel, the reality probably wouldn't play out how I imagine.

Are you passionate when having sex? Do you allow lots of time for foreplay? Do you build up to it throughout the day? Do you tell her you desire her? Do you let go in the moment, or does your boyish excitement make it less passionate and raw? Is it all a bit mechanical - let's try this, rather than just allowing the mood?

I'd love DP to build up, but the slightest inclination of sex becomes a race to do it. It takes the fun out of it.

Apart from reading does she have time to herself? As in not being on mum duty, house chores, work? None of this is sexy. It's mundane and boring. I wonder if she is reading lots to escape her reality. Women need time to get in the mood. Flopping into bed after an exhausting day of school runs, emails, Teams meetings, TVs blaring, homework, negotiating with kids to eat their peas and getting soaked during bath time doesn't make for a fun-filled and energetic sex life.

I just read the title and thought oh look, another man coming on MN to complain his wife doesn't want to have sex with him.

Why?

Why not?

It’s like a form of flashing as I see it. Odd.

It’s odd.

Then you read the updates and discovered it's a lack of intimacy in general? He said he can live without the sex.

Or did you just comment without reading?

Apart from reading does she have time to herself? As in not being on mum duty, house chores, work?

Yes silly billy. This Prince said he does 80% of the housework, has 2 jobs AND manages to do the school run every day. AND he gives his wife all the time in the evening to relax.

But for some reason, she still can't bring herself to shag him.

I'm sure there are plenty of women who would have you OP!! Your wife is an ungrateful frigid cow 🙄

Your problem is the lack of sex in your marriage, and this is what you need to discuss with you wife in an honest conversation that sticks to the point. You are focusing on her choice of reading as a cause of the problem, as though the books are your rival, and wasting time playing detective trying to find out about that, rather than exploring why she is avoiding sex with you.
Only when you know this can you decide if its sonething that can be worked on or whether you need to consider leaving the relationship.

I read it, Its about sex, its always about sex.

So when he said that he can deal with the lack of sex, you read that he can't?

Nothing changes if nothing is discussed. By not addressing the imbalance of chores, lack of sex, and reluctance to discuss difficult things you're going to keep seeing the same results.

How would she respond if you told her you're lonely and feel like she needs to step up with her share of the household? Or suggested marriage counselling? Or told her you know about the books she's reading and is there something missing in your sex life that's made her replace it with them?

There's no magic pill here that replaces open communication.

Or maybe he was just saying that after so many people suggested that he was yet another man whining about no sex?
These threads are always about sex (or lack of)

What's the point of responding to things that the op hasn't said? Seems entirely pointless to disregard what someone has said and decide it's the opposite.

Yes some men do complain about a lack of sex, but that's not what's happening here.

So why keep responding to me then?
I don't agree with you and won't be changing my mind

I keep responding to you as you're responding to me.

It's not about sex, but sex is a part of intimacy. It's as important to most people as affection and trust. We once went around 3 years without having sex after our first child and I didn't pressure her once, and it was okay cause she was still affectionate and loving. Think what you want about me, but you're wrong.