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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'm scared of my Angry 4year old DD

61 replies

Hiitsmeagain1 · 28/12/2025 19:54

Hi all
Not sure If I'm overthinking but my DD4 just turned has severe mood swings over nothing and everything.
For context she is much harder work then older two DD but I just assumed different father different genes.
DD4 father is not living with us currently. Not sure contextual or not.
DD4 hits DD10 over everything. Sh lashes out when she's in a mood and she will throw ruin whatever is in her vicinity. She screams and throws her toys on floor if something doesn't fit like she wants, rip books etc. Just now she screamed at me (like kat did in EE) for ruining her toys (I didn't and the toys were hiding under the blanket which I used on her duvet for extra warmth and tipped her toys on the floor in response.
I do worry when DD4 does this as it's scary and even my older two find it scary not funny as you would when younger sibling has a tantrum.
i worry if this is a sign of the type of adult she may become. I try everything to disciple her and remind her of how she should behave - we talk about the colour monster a lot, I offer hugs I sit with her and remind her how we need to behave and how we don't get angry like she does and we need to talk etc etc. the next day exactly the same over nothing she will just switch. She does say sorry mummy as soon as she's calm and asks if I'm still her best friend to which I reassure her I'm always her best friend even when she's angry.
AIBU to be worried or is this normal?
My older two did not behave or react like this so not sure if I'm dealing with it right.

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 28/12/2025 19:56

Speak to her school.or nursery teacher ask for referral for support

Original poster
Hiitsmeagain1 · 28/12/2025 19:57

cestlavielife · 28/12/2025 19:56

Speak to her school.or nursery teacher ask for referral for support

What support can I ask for as she's perfect in nursery and she's the mature child that they choose for nativity and carol singing in external places. The nursery have no concerns.

OP posts:
Fidgety31 · 28/12/2025 19:58

But you’re not her best friend - you’re her mum . Who takes the mum role if you’re just trying to be her mate ?
she needs boundaries and consistent ones . She’s pushing you to find them .

regardless - if you’re scared of her a 4 … then you need to toughen up your resilience else how you gonna cope when she’s 14!

ScrambledEggs12 · 28/12/2025 19:59

She is maybe worried you will abandon her like her dad has?

Original poster
Hiitsmeagain1 · 28/12/2025 20:01

Fidgety31 · 28/12/2025 19:58

But you’re not her best friend - you’re her mum . Who takes the mum role if you’re just trying to be her mate ?
she needs boundaries and consistent ones . She’s pushing you to find them .

regardless - if you’re scared of her a 4 … then you need to toughen up your resilience else how you gonna cope when she’s 14!

I am very boundaried. I will make sure she tidies up anything she ruins, will make her apologise and do remind her continuously about good choices.

I have a DD14 so not worried about coping with a DD of that age more scared this is not normal behaviour?

OP posts:
awrbc81 · 28/12/2025 20:03

She’s a 4 year old, she’s not scary!
This does sound fairly normal, although something you need to work on (sounds like you are doing to be fair), and hitting is never ok.
I would expect her to grow out of it, but maybe she will always have a bit of a temper!
Talk to your older DC about how they should react when she does this.

Original poster
Hiitsmeagain1 · 28/12/2025 20:06

awrbc81 · 28/12/2025 20:03

She’s a 4 year old, she’s not scary!
This does sound fairly normal, although something you need to work on (sounds like you are doing to be fair), and hitting is never ok.
I would expect her to grow out of it, but maybe she will always have a bit of a temper!
Talk to your older DC about how they should react when she does this.

Scary as in i feel out of my depth.

OP posts:
Endofyear · 28/12/2025 20:12

I think with a 4 year old, having endless discussions and explanations about behaviour are pointless. She knows full well that it's not good behaviour and is angry at not getting what she wants when she wants it. You need to have a very clear consequence for bad behaviour, it needs to be immediate and you have to be VERY consistent. Hitting her siblings should result in her being immediately removed from the room. Whingeing, shouting and tantrums should all be ignored, remove anything she can throw and then go in another room and ignore. When she calms down just say 'oh have you finished? Shall we read a book/play this game/go in the garden now? Give attention for good behaviour and ignore the bad as much as possible - she will eventually learn that having tantrums doesn't get her what she wants. Be firm, stay calm, pick your battles and make sure you win them. She's 4 years old, she's not scary - you are the adult and you need to be in charge.

Darkdiamond · 28/12/2025 20:12

awrbc81 · 28/12/2025 20:03

She’s a 4 year old, she’s not scary!
This does sound fairly normal, although something you need to work on (sounds like you are doing to be fair), and hitting is never ok.
I would expect her to grow out of it, but maybe she will always have a bit of a temper!
Talk to your older DC about how they should react when she does this.

I don't think this sounds normal for a four year old.

cestlavielife · 28/12/2025 20:19

remind her continuously about good choices.

She is four
Too ypung to discuss " good choices"
Keep it simple.
Do this not that.
Remove her if she kicking off to a safe place to calm down no words needed

Original poster
Hiitsmeagain1 · 28/12/2025 20:20

Endofyear · 28/12/2025 20:12

I think with a 4 year old, having endless discussions and explanations about behaviour are pointless. She knows full well that it's not good behaviour and is angry at not getting what she wants when she wants it. You need to have a very clear consequence for bad behaviour, it needs to be immediate and you have to be VERY consistent. Hitting her siblings should result in her being immediately removed from the room. Whingeing, shouting and tantrums should all be ignored, remove anything she can throw and then go in another room and ignore. When she calms down just say 'oh have you finished? Shall we read a book/play this game/go in the garden now? Give attention for good behaviour and ignore the bad as much as possible - she will eventually learn that having tantrums doesn't get her what she wants. Be firm, stay calm, pick your battles and make sure you win them. She's 4 years old, she's not scary - you are the adult and you need to be in charge.

What if the tantrum is over her toy lid not fitting properly and she then reacts to that in frustration?

OP posts:
AndSoitComesAroundAgain · 28/12/2025 20:26

Hiitsmeagain1 · 28/12/2025 20:01

I am very boundaried. I will make sure she tidies up anything she ruins, will make her apologise and do remind her continuously about good choices.

I have a DD14 so not worried about coping with a DD of that age more scared this is not normal behaviour?

Show quote history

What do you do as a consequence for the naughty behaviour?

ILoveDuckDuckGo · 28/12/2025 20:27

Beyond talking about being nice and anger monster or whatnot, are there any consequences for violence?
If she is a perfect angel at nursery, you have a home issue. Do not accept violent behaviours or tantrums.
Have a chat on a good morning and say that from now on, her actions won’t be tolerated. Start by removing all screens and tv time is earned with good behaviour on a daily basis. Then warn her that every time she hits someone, she will lose something, her favourite toy, her favourite toy and DO IT.

DurinsBane · 28/12/2025 20:30

ScrambledEggs12 · 28/12/2025 19:59

She is maybe worried you will abandon her like her dad has?

No one said her dad abandoned her? He isn’t currently living in the family home, doesn’t mean he abandoned her. Unless you mean that in her 4 year old mind he might have?

Original poster
Hiitsmeagain1 · 28/12/2025 20:30

AndSoitComesAroundAgain · 28/12/2025 20:26

What do you do as a consequence for the naughty behaviour?

Show quote history

She will sit on the thinking step for time out.

she often realises she did wrong and apologise before a consequence.

What is a good consequence even after an apology or acknowledgement? For context if she's crying for something she doesn't get it, if she hits my DD10 she will be removed from the room/area.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hiitsmeagain1 · 28/12/2025 20:33

ILoveDuckDuckGo · 28/12/2025 20:27

Beyond talking about being nice and anger monster or whatnot, are there any consequences for violence?
If she is a perfect angel at nursery, you have a home issue. Do not accept violent behaviours or tantrums.
Have a chat on a good morning and say that from now on, her actions won’t be tolerated. Start by removing all screens and tv time is earned with good behaviour on a daily basis. Then warn her that every time she hits someone, she will lose something, her favourite toy, her favourite toy and DO IT.

Tbh she doesn't have any screen time during the week, no sugar treats. Holidays have been more relaxed. And she does see her dad more regularly than when he was living here. I did initially think she could be on the spectrum and masking at nursery as many times she has started crying as soon as we leave nursery and just seems angry at me ? However interestingly enough she is asking when she goes back to nursery as she's bored at home I assume without structure and a more relaxed routine over the holidays. But yes what I'm currently doing doesn't seem to work - I thought I was gentle parenting correctly.

OP posts:
arcticpandas · 28/12/2025 20:34

You say that her dad is not around. What does that mean? Is he in prison? Working abroad? Do they or did they have a relationship? I wouldn't dismiss this as a cause for her behaviour before knowing more. Maybe she knows she's not supposed to talk about him and being anxious/worried?

Bebetterbetty · 28/12/2025 20:37

I agree with this. Little kids need short, simple instructions.

I was very worried about my eldest for a long time. He had terrible outbursts. Even did a MN post on it. He’s 12 now and absolutely lovely. Punishment didn’t work as he was not able to control himself, and like your daughter, felt ashamed afterwards.

Original poster
Hiitsmeagain1 · 28/12/2025 20:37

arcticpandas · 28/12/2025 20:34

You say that her dad is not around. What does that mean? Is he in prison? Working abroad? Do they or did they have a relationship? I wouldn't dismiss this as a cause for her behaviour before knowing more. Maybe she knows she's not supposed to talk about him and being anxious/worried?

Her dad is very much present and she sees him regularly in my home and his. He just doesn't live here full time.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hiitsmeagain1 · 28/12/2025 20:37

Bebetterbetty · 28/12/2025 20:37

I agree with this. Little kids need short, simple instructions.

I was very worried about my eldest for a long time. He had terrible outbursts. Even did a MN post on it. He’s 12 now and absolutely lovely. Punishment didn’t work as he was not able to control himself, and like your daughter, felt ashamed afterwards.

What did you do? How did you manage it? Im
hopeful now...

OP posts:
seriouslynonames · 28/12/2025 20:38

Sounds very much like how my DD (now 10) was at that age.

I know I will get jumped on for bringing neurodivegence into it but I am just giving my experience, not diagnosing anyone.

We spent a lot of time learning various things to try to better communicate with her and support her, lots of online parenting courses, advice from a psychologist etc. Eventually through trial and error got a diagnosis of combined ADHD, though there is a big streak of demand avoidance in there too.

Things are better now but still difficult at times. She still absolutely explodes out of nowhere about tiny things (like the toy lid not fitting example you gave) but she can also calm back down very quickly if we don't respond in a way that escalates things. I think she is finally starting to mature a bit, but we still have to stay very low demand and do a lot of things for and with her that we did not have to do for and with our older DD.

Don't worry that her behaviour now is an indicator of how she will be as an adult, just find a way to calmly respond to the behaviour that's in front of you now. Calm, gentle voice, stay low, don't talk much, just calming reassuring body language. Ask the other kids to leave the room. Afterwards don't punish, comfort her and reassure her we all lose our temper at times. Perhaps a very brief chat the next day about what behaviours are ok, but don't labour it. Our DD knew what was and wasn't ok but couldn't stop herself in the moment as she was in fight/flight. So going over it again and again just made her feel bad which wasn't helpful.

I hope some of this is helpful. Good luck x

Darkdiamond · 28/12/2025 20:38

Hiitsmeagain1 · 28/12/2025 20:30

She will sit on the thinking step for time out.

she often realises she did wrong and apologise before a consequence.

What is a good consequence even after an apology or acknowledgement? For context if she's crying for something she doesn't get it, if she hits my DD10 she will be removed from the room/area.

Show quote history

Op that's ok if she apologies but she still needs you to follow through with the consequence afterwards. No tv or device or whatever she enjoys. What she is learning is that an apology is a get out of jail card. Tell her that her behaviour is showing you that she isn't respecting her toys so you will take until tomorrow so you can try again then. She will likely cry, get angry, do what it takes to get her way but you stand firm and remember that however you respond will be teaching her something. She needs to learn 'when I do x, y happens' and this only happens with consistency. She needs to learn that you follow through on the consequence every time.

DurinsBane · 28/12/2025 20:38

arcticpandas · 28/12/2025 20:34

You say that her dad is not around. What does that mean? Is he in prison? Working abroad? Do they or did they have a relationship? I wouldn't dismiss this as a cause for her behaviour before knowing more. Maybe she knows she's not supposed to talk about him and being anxious/worried?

No she didn’t, she said he isn’t currently living with them

FuzzyWolf · 28/12/2025 20:39

Time out will make her feel more pushed out.

Wanting to go to nursery doesn’t exclude being autistic but other than behavioural outbursts that some autistic children have (and some autistic children don’t have) there is nothing to suggest it’s different to a outburst a neurotypical would have.

Regardless of whether she is ND or NT, it’s still the same answer. You need some parenting support and she needs to have the right home environment for her which might mean your gentle parenting needs do change to ensure certain boundaries or it might mean it needs to change from a sensory perspective- none of us can tell you what that will be.

seriouslynonames · 28/12/2025 20:40

Oh and just to add my DD never displayed any of this at nursery or school, they both see a totally different child to what we see at home.