Sister hijacked my time with DD

[MyFrozenfeet]

When my sister found out that DD was calling in on 27th to exchange presents and have dinner she decided it would be a good time to also call in to exchange presents.
I think we talked about it a few days before Christmas but i don't think I agreed to it. DD doesn't cope well with last minute changes and she tried to hide in the kitchen with her boyfriend and her dog. My sister of course found her.
DD was coaxed to exchange presents with her, her husband and 2 kids in my tiny living room! 8 ppl and a dog. It was crazy!
Sister did this last year in DD house but i wasnt quick enough to stop it happening this year in my house. I often get overwhelmed and confused by my sister.
I need to make sure that my sister doesn't do this again or it will damage my relationship with my DD

I know exactly what you mean, OP, but this thread is going to be full of 'autistic adults need to just behave like everyone else' responses.

8 people in a small room can be difficult from a sensory perspective, but not so bad if you know it's going to happen. It's the unexpectedness of it. She expected to spend time with you, not your sister and her family as well. Withdrawing to the kitchen was likely a coping mechanism to stop her from getting overwhelmed - there's nothing wrong with this. If she knows she can leave a situation to calm down, that's something she can build on - leaving the overwhelming situation, getting calm, and deciding whether to go back into it or not. Often stressful situations are easier to cope with if there's a clear way out.

Next year either you or your DD (preferably her) needs to tell your sister that DD does want to see her and her family (presuming that's true) but that she's very uncomfortable with unplanned visits so it would be great to arrange a date in advance. If your sister isn't okay with this, if I were your DD I wouldn't want to see her at all.

Autistic adults don't need to be babied but they should have their wishes respected. It doesn't matter if everyone else is okay with surprise visits and crowded rooms. If she's not, and she says so, don't do it to her. It's not a work requirement or a medical procedure where there are serious consequences to avoidance and it's important to find a way to cope with it. It's sodding presents.

Thanks everyone for your comments. Im going to see my DD tomorrow and will talk to her about last Saturday. Im going to tell both my DD and my sister to make their own arrangements for present exchanges in future. I don't want to deal with any drama

Definitely i will handle it better next year. Setting the reminder text id an excellent idea. Doing it now😀

What a strange situation/overreaction. And I don’t mean the sister …
I’m guessing you and your daughter are neurodiverse?

Why dont you just tell DSis its not convenient?

Your dd hides from her auntie? Assuming there are underlying reasons for this, just don't tell your sister next time.

The way this thread played out is the perfect encapsulation of neurotypical normalization. It was absolutely obvious to anyone who doesn’t view the world only through a neurotypical bias that the daughter and likely OP are neurodiverse. She clearly outlines the distress this situation caused. Yet the responses immediately go to how this is a normal situation and the daughter needs to be more resilient.

What really needs to change is the default mindset of society.

Is it your DD with the problem regarding the preset exchange or you?

This sounds bonkers all round unless there's more to it.....

She’s autistic.

I hate how the onus is always on disabled people to integrate, rather than people making accommodations for them that’d be no skin of their nose.