Sister hijacked my time with DD

[MyFrozenfeet]

When my sister found out that DD was calling in on 27th to exchange presents and have dinner she decided it would be a good time to also call in to exchange presents.
I think we talked about it a few days before Christmas but i don't think I agreed to it. DD doesn't cope well with last minute changes and she tried to hide in the kitchen with her boyfriend and her dog. My sister of course found her.
DD was coaxed to exchange presents with her, her husband and 2 kids in my tiny living room! 8 ppl and a dog. It was crazy!
Sister did this last year in DD house but i wasnt quick enough to stop it happening this year in my house. I often get overwhelmed and confused by my sister.
I need to make sure that my sister doesn't do this again or it will damage my relationship with my DD

need to make sure that my sister doesn't do this again or it will damage my relationship with my DD

This is quite an unusual statement do you think she bosses you around are you quite shy ?

It's all a bit dramatic, isn't it? I imagine your sister saw the opportunity to give her niece her Christmas present and made the reasonable assumption that dropping into her sister's house to do so would be absolute non-event. Your daughter was rude to hide in the kitchen. She had to be polite for a short while to exchange presents. That was literally it. Why on earth would that damage your relationship with your sister? If anything you should be having words with your daughter, not your sister.

I hope the dog had a good time

So is the issue your DD prefers your sister to you and she buys better presents, so you feel pushed out?
As your post is very vague, and is making your sound like you have MH issues that aren’t under control.

How old is your daughter and does she have any additional needs that would explain her hiding in a kitchen with her boyfriend and dog from her aunt? I think that needs addressing more so than your sister wanting to see you all over Christmas, in the same place.

Oh ffs

I thought i was replying to a grneral question like 'when are you seeing her over Christmas "
I forgot about last year.

Yes she was diagnosed with autism and ADHD last year. I should have protected her from this situation.

We had 15 exchanging gifts on Christmas Day. 8 would not be crazy for most people.

If you and/or your DD have additional needs which would make this an issue, you need to be more explicit in explaining this beforehand, as on the face of it, this wouldn’t have been unreasonable of her at all, really

Honestly, the mindset that this is a situation your daughter needs protecting from is totally the wrong way of going about this.

Don’t encourage the attitude of becoming insular living a very small, fragile life.

If your DD is big and brave enough to have a boyfriend, I'm sure she can be nice to her auntie and cousins for half an hour in exchange for some presents.

You need to arrange for her to go to her aunts so she can leave when she is ready, I appreciate she is neurodiverse but she is living with her boyfriend and can navigate life independently but I do think you either need tp tell your sister she can't manage the gift giving or your Dd decides what she wants to do about the gift giving.

And what about everything else?

Trying to interact with family and exchanging gifts is all very normal for Christmas. On the surface it seems like your sister has done nothing wrong. Have you made it clear to her what accommodations your DD needs?

From someone with ADHD and some autism too, it would be much better for your daughter if you worked on some coping mechanisms to deal with unexpected changes, rather than trying to avoid the triggers.

So I think you have 2 options for next Christmas:

1. Don't tell your sister what date your DD is coming over to you.
2. Tell your sister that your DD is diagnosed with ASD and ADHD, that she gets easily overwhelmed by situations like this, and that you want to protect and ringfence your time alone with her. You will need to be firm and spell this out clearly to your sister, because she is not likely to easily understand how her visits make your DD feel, much like many of the posters who have replied to you on this thread.

Just to explain my DD has autism and adhd only diagnosed aged 26 and 2 years on i know I should handle such situations better for her.
My sister lives 2 counties away so i also value her time.
I need to take control next year

I think we talked about it a few days before Christmas but i don't think I agreed to it.

You know you didn't agree to it. You should have sent her away when she turned up announced on your doorstep.

If your daughter is living independently, and has a boyfriend, she may not need you to step in, it's a bit infantalising. You can't manage all her life for her when she's heading into her late twenties.

I’d explain to your sister that your daughter has grown up enough now not to need any more Christmas presents going forward, and she’s socially a bit awkward.

What was the situation she needed protection from? Being given a gift from a family member?
You are coming across as scarily over involved and invested in your dds new diagnosis.

Your dd is an adult? Seems she’s old enough to say this to her aunt herself?

How does she work/study if she can't cope with 8 people at a time?

It sounds like your sister wants to see your DD in person to exchange gifts. So why don’t you try & facilitate an actual time that this can occur next year and then you can control it and make sure it’s done in a way your DD will enjoy.

Did your daughter give her aunt a Christmas gift?

Can you explain why a 26 year old who lives independently would need protecting from a kind relative bringing her a present? Or what’s crazy about a gathering of 8 people who are related to each other?