Sister hijacked my time with DD

[MyFrozenfeet]

When my sister found out that DD was calling in on 27th to exchange presents and have dinner she decided it would be a good time to also call in to exchange presents.
I think we talked about it a few days before Christmas but i don't think I agreed to it. DD doesn't cope well with last minute changes and she tried to hide in the kitchen with her boyfriend and her dog. My sister of course found her.
DD was coaxed to exchange presents with her, her husband and 2 kids in my tiny living room! 8 ppl and a dog. It was crazy!
Sister did this last year in DD house but i wasnt quick enough to stop it happening this year in my house. I often get overwhelmed and confused by my sister.
I need to make sure that my sister doesn't do this again or it will damage my relationship with my DD

As someone most likely neurodivergent myself, with 2 autistic offspring (16 and 18) and several autistic extended family, I understood what you meant before you explained. But clearly others didn't.
In future I would speak to your sister and not tell her when your daughter will be there. See them separately and protect your daughter from what sounds to be an overwhelming situation. Your sister should understand, and as you say you want to see both, work it out in a way that you can see them separately. Or arrange for daughter's visit to be nearing a close just as sister is arriving, so they can see each other but briefly.
As you can see from all the posts above using words like "normal", not everyone understands. You can either attempt to explain or arrange the visit differently.
Oh, and send yourself a reminder well in advance of next Christmas (point yourself to this post via link if nothing else!).

Does your daughter work with other people? What happens if she’s out and about and there are more than 8 people present? How does she cope then?

I hope the 3 of you can work through this for next year. Maybe not being the boyfriend or dog. It would be nice for her to interact with her aunt and cousins. She may never know when she might need them.

I don't understand why you think it is your responsibility to mange, you can help her navigate the situation but I really think it isnt in your control, she is 26 how does she want to handle it ?

What situation? This is bizarre in the extreme. What is about her aunt that your daughter can’t cope with?

Maybe the aunt is also neuro diverse but presents in a different way?

The lives some people live

What's crazy about 8 of you being in a small living room? 😳

You think it's crazy to have 8 family members in a living room but for some reason it's normal for an adult to "hide in the kitchen with the boyfriend and a dog"? MN is a wild place sometimes.

I agree with this! Super over the top and pandering I say. Instead of teaching her to be super appreciative that her aunt wanted to give her a gift and see her, I’m quite baffled! Yes, I have an autistic son. We don’t live in a world on our own, our children should not be isolated but should be encouraged to mix with others and appreciate family especially.

I agree with this @HighlyUnusual. If she’s in her late 20’s and in a relationship, she probably doesn’t need to be protected from her auntie by you.

Gosh, how sad. Your sister probably has no idea how you feel, and DD felt, as your reactions to her visit are highly unusual.

Did anything happen? It all sounds fine although a bit crowded. Everyone exchanged presents, DD had BF and DDog to protect her from her aunt if necessary.

It actually sounds as if both the OP and her DD have additional needs - the OP mentioned that her sister can confuse her easily.

Did DD actually have some sort of meltdown in the living room, or was it more that you were worried that she might?

So just tell your sister the truth. Say that the autism makes crowds difficult.

I'm wondering how she got to 26 without a diagnosis when it's so debilitating that having family visit would damage your relationship with her.

My 19 year old daughter has ASD and ADHD, and one of my jobs is to teach her how to function in the real world, where you can’t hide in a kitchen when there are too many people around.

We shouldn’t be infantilising our young people, your DD is old enough to have her own home, boyfriend, and job. She no doubt uses transport, supermarkets, restaurants and other places.

She can, and should, be able to create and enact her own strategies, and use her own voice, to deal with these situations. You sweeping in is unhelpful, and this kind of intervention can make matters worse.

Your DD is 26. She gets to come up with her own strategies for managing unexpected encounters.

You and your daughter sound painful. I feel sorry for your sister. Talk. To. Her. and let her know.

I agree ☝️ a She is a grown woman living independently, there is nothing to protect her from. Her aunt popped in to give her a present.

Your DD is 28, old enough to sort this herself, she doesn’t need to protect her from a gift exchange.

It sounds like your sister wants to see your daughter too? So thinks it’sa good idea to come round when she’ll be there?
i understand it’s difficult for your daughter, so I’d definitely keep it secret next time - but would it be possible for everyone to get together if your daughter has time to mentally prepare?

So what’s your actual problem, OP? Your thread title suggests you’re unhappy that your DSis impinged on your time with your DD, but then your OP implies you’re upset because your DD was stressed by the visit? Which is it? My guess is that your thread title is closer to the truth - ie you wanted time with just you, your DD and her BF, and you’re using DD’s recent diagnosis as the excuse for this.

Right, well you don’t need an excuse to want to spend time alone with your DD. That’s fine. However, you do need to stop being such a drip about communicating your wishes (Quote: “I think we talked about it a few days before Christmas but i don't think I agreed to it”.) Lay out your wishes clearly, in a text preferably so there’s no confusion. You can also then look back at the text if you get confused about what you said. Make sure your DSis replies to your text, acknowledging what you said.

But, your DSis clearly wanted to see your DD and exchange presents, so you should have suggested a day and time for this too. As you didn’t, your DSis just turned up when she knew your DD would be there.

Finally, stop babying your DD. You’re doing her no favours. Firstly, you messed up the communication and plans with your DSis so she turned up when you weren’t expecting it. This meant your DD was thrown too. However, your DD needs support to function in the real world, so even if she’d hidden in the kitchen initially, you should have encouraged her out and explained why. There’s nothing at all wrong with having 8 people in a living room, especially when they’re relatives who’ve come to exchange gifts.

The start of all this hoohah was you crapping up your communication with your DSis, so apologise to your DD for that. If your DSis is the kind of person to ignore a text agreement, then simply turn her away at the door if she turns up and point her to the text agreement. My bet is she wouldn’t just turn up if you were clearer and firmer.

Is this for real? This has to be the world’s biggest non event. Aunt wants to visit Niece for Christmas? You all need to get a grip.

Mark the dates on your calendar / diary now for next Christmas, invite for dsis and family and a few days later dd even if you need to change the dates it will remind you to keep the two meetings apart, but I do agree with pp's your dsis is her aunt, could you arrange a post Christmas lunch just the three of you.

Your dd is old enough to manage a relationship and a dog but can’t ‘cope’ with changes? How ridiculous and how does she function as an adult in the real world?

This...

As massive over-reaction from someone who is an adult and seemingly living independently.

Unless there's something massive that OP hasn't mentioned about DD.