Daughter chooses "in laws" over her own family

[Bontasha]

My daughter is 20 she has been going out with her boyfriend for a year. He lives closer to her university than we do so so she has got to know his mum quite well. The Mum doesn't have a close relationship with her own daughter and has been doing all the Mum things with my daughter, pre Christmas crafts, drinks, shopping etc my daughter bought his Mum a really thoughtful Christmas present, engraved jewellary. She went to her boyfriends on boxing day and has said she is staying longer to send time with his Mum.
Aibu? I am jealous. When she has 2 days at home she took to her room saying her "social battery" was spent. No thoughtful presents for her own family. She didnt join in a game I had planned for Christmas day and spent most of the time texting her boyfriend.
I dont know her boyfriend very well. She told me he doesn't like her wearing short skirts or going out with any friends. He disapproves of her drinking alcohol and asked her to leave his flat once when she laughed about smoking a joint once to celebrate end of school. He is racist and homophobic, he hates smokers. Basically that is all I know about him as he avoids coming to see us and she has to travel to him.
I am so sad, I am losing my daughter. Any advice?

You seem shitty about his family but your daughter does not come over well either if she is fine dating a man with views like this

I would be worried that she's in an abusive relationship, and concerned for her. It wouldn't be anything to do with my personal feelings, just her safety. Do you think he's controlling her?

Do you think he is controlling her, telling her what gifts to get his DM compared to you?

Has she changed completely since being with him? What gifts did she used to give you?

You seem far less concerned by your daughter possibly being in an abusive or controlling relationship than you are by her voluntarily spending time with her boyfriend’s mother…?

Yes I'd be very upset.
I don't know how but can you go down there and try and meet the mum ? It does sound very odd

Can you afford to offer to take them out ?

You're not loosing your daughter.

Kids/young adults float in and out of family life at this age. It's not personal, they are just trying to find their own path, their own groove.

She may well have felt pressured into buying the other mum something, but feels comfortable and unpressured with you

Just make sure she knows she is always always loved and welcome and that your door is always open to her, and your home is welcoming and feels like her home.

She will come back to you, I promise. And there will be more times for thoughtful gifts once she grows up a little and realises how important you are to her. They'll mean more too, because they won't be obligation gifts.

I don't think the issue is her closeness with his mum, it's why is she with a racist, sexist homophobe? That's revolting - what on earth does she see in him? My parents would be so disappointed if I chose to date someone like that because they've bought me up much better than that.

She told me he doesn't like her wearing short skirts or going out with any friends. He disapproves of her drinking alcohol and asked her to leave his flat once when she laughed about smoking a joint once to celebrate end of school. He is racist and homophobic, he hates smokers

After hearing all that did you ask what she sees in him?

You're jealous about your dd getting in with her boyfriends mum, when she is clearly in an abusive relationship, if all you say is true.

She probably retreated when she was at your home because she felt safe there, and able to do that, she clearly can't with her boyfriend.

Make sure you keep the lines of communication open, try and visit more often, make sure she knows you're there for her.

Tread very very carefully don't say anything negative , love bomb herefc

No thoughtful presents for her own family.

Are you seriously saying that your DD is in a controlling relationship with a bully who is racist and possibly abusive but care that she didn’t get you any thoughtful presents or play a board game with you??

I hope this isn’t real because if you think not playing a board game or not getting thoughtful presents even comes close to being important things here, then I can understand why DD would not want to spend time with you.

Instead of being worried that your DD is trapped in an abusive relationship, you're upset that she won't play board games with you? 😬

I think this is illustrative of how things are difficult for op, how he’s pulling her dd away. Board games and presents are indicative of connection and important for their relationship.

Boyfriend is a red flag but so is the other mum I would say. I’ve seen grown women “woo” someone else’s child, it’s not normal behaviour and young adults don’t have the emotional intelligence to spot and deal with it. I would encourage you to speak to your daughter about it. So many people tiptoe around these types of issues out of fear their child will cut them off but I think that’s ridiculous. Speak to your daughter and keep a channel of communication open and available.

Your priorities seem waaay off.

I’m willing to bet the boyfriend has been subtly turning her against you - be very careful here or there’s a danger of her cutting contact.
I’d contact some domestic abuse charities for advice on coercive control and the best way to get through to your DD.
Be consistently there for her, make sure she knows you’re there no matter what.

Like others, I would be worried that she has an abusive or controlling partner.
The "in law" thing is irrelevant - I certainly much preferred my own in laws to my parents, and sometimes that will happen, but there are much bigger issues here.

I'd say his mum is the least of your problems.

I dont know her boyfriend very well. She told me he doesn't like her wearing short skirts or going out with any friends. He disapproves of her drinking alcohol and asked her to leave his flat once when she laughed about smoking a joint once to celebrate end of school. He is racist and homophobic, he hates smokers. Basically that is all I know about him as he avoids coming to see us and she has to travel to him.

I'm really puzzled that your daughter is dating a walking red flag, but your main concern is you're jealous of how much time she spends with his mum 😳

Your daughter is putting up with a really difficult, controlling young man who she probably works very hard to please. No wonder she is exhausted when she gets home to you and just wants to be in her own company. It is actually a sign that your home is her safe space, somewhere she doesn't feel like she has to perform.

I imagine that the efforts she's currently making with her 'MIL' are mostly superficial and a way of pleasing her boyfriend. Or she has some naive, romantic idea about becoming part of his family.

The biggest concern here is the potentially abusive - or at least unhealthy - relationship that she's in with a man you don't know. Be careful that he isn't encouraging your daughter to withdraw from you and enmesh herself within his own family as a way to control her.

i’m sorry, this sounds devastating. sending love and well wishes, there’s a high chance she’ll grow out of this and come back to you. sending love

Yes of course I have asked her if she feels ok with his views, and I told her I don't like it and worry she is being controlled. She reassures me, he didnt really mean it and she defends him. But all I know is what she told me herself. My other daughter has a disability and he apparently said he doesnt get on with disabled people!

It isnt fair to say I am not worried about my daughters well being, that is my main worry that she is being controlled to spend time with his family instead of her own. Unfortunately trying to talk to her iaboutvthat s very hard as she defends him and I'm worried that I will drive her away if I continue to criticise her boyfriends behaviour.

Phone women's aid and get some advice.

You shouldn't be criticising him, if he is controlling then she's been groomed to defend him, and it will make it harder for her to come to you if you're constantly having a go and she's constantly sticking up for him.

Most posters have picked up on the fact your concern seems to be jealousy about your dd being close with his Mum, and you said nothing about you being concerned she's in an abusive situation, so I don't think it is unfair to say tbh.

Try to remain neutral, open and curious when having conversations with her about him. Try not to say that you dislike him or disapprove of him. Ask her general questions about her life with him, make plans to visit her at uni and express that you'd like to get to know him better. Let her know that you are always there if she wants to talk and that she can tell you anything. Just be an open door really, and a non-judgemental space.

Her university will have a safeguarding/welfare team. If she becomes more distanced, or you become more concerned about his views/behaviour, you could reach out to them.