Daughter chooses "in laws" over her own family

[Bontasha]

My daughter is 20 she has been going out with her boyfriend for a year. He lives closer to her university than we do so so she has got to know his mum quite well. The Mum doesn't have a close relationship with her own daughter and has been doing all the Mum things with my daughter, pre Christmas crafts, drinks, shopping etc my daughter bought his Mum a really thoughtful Christmas present, engraved jewellary. She went to her boyfriends on boxing day and has said she is staying longer to send time with his Mum.
Aibu? I am jealous. When she has 2 days at home she took to her room saying her "social battery" was spent. No thoughtful presents for her own family. She didnt join in a game I had planned for Christmas day and spent most of the time texting her boyfriend.
I dont know her boyfriend very well. She told me he doesn't like her wearing short skirts or going out with any friends. He disapproves of her drinking alcohol and asked her to leave his flat once when she laughed about smoking a joint once to celebrate end of school. He is racist and homophobic, he hates smokers. Basically that is all I know about him as he avoids coming to see us and she has to travel to him.
I am so sad, I am losing my daughter. Any advice?

Your daughter is dating a controlling, racist homophobe but your OP is about the fact that you’re worried she likes his mum more than you and that she got her a better Christmas present? You need to get your priories in order.

Keep neutral….keep your home a welcoming space….don’t dis the boyfriend….you might be in for the long haul OP

Somethings happened between you otherwise she wouldn’t do this. I’ll say it from my experience I’ve chosen my pil over my own family, because they treat me as family, we do things as a family and they actually care for me. All my mum does is sit and watch tv I can’t remember the last time she’s wanted to do anything and she’s already told me she’s moving 2 hours away despite the fact we’re trying to kids and has always badgered us for grandkids. But I will always chose my mil over her now .

Your daughter is happy to date a racist and homophobic man who doesn’t like people who are disabled like her own sister. They both sound awful really.

He sounds vile doesn’t he. Looking at it a slightly different way, do you think it could be not so much she’s happy to date him, but afraid to dump him? If he treats her poorly or controls her it’ll be even harder to end things when she’s so friendly with his mum. I wonder if both he and his mum have groomed her and both control her.

Who knows what his views are. A list of unsubstantiated slurs means nothing.

Don’t criticise him or pick apart her relationships with his family members. What you need to do is encourage your DD to talk to you whenever she feels like she wants to. Make sure she knows she’s very much loved and missed without criticism about her spending time with his family. Try to arrange for her to come to you again with total agreement that she can take herself off to a room if she feels she needs to. You could chance a knock on the door then after a few hours just to give her a hug and say you’re always here to listen. Then let her be. You’ll have to play this very carefully so that you can be there for her and make sure she knows she absolutely has your support. She can’t get out of this on her own. Hopefully you can build enough to be able to help her out of it.

Also, you’re not losing her. She has confided in you a little bit. Encourage that however you can.

I agree. This sounds like a strong case for the "That's nice, dear" approach. You don't have to ingratiate yourself with the other family but, equally, limit your responses to worrying developments to the non-committal. Also make sure she knows she's always welcome to share any worries, but I'm thinking she already knows that; no need to be performative about it.

The picture you're painting of the boyfriend's family is interesting. In my late teens, I had a fantastic Sikh boyfriend. Ticked every box going. His family made me extremely welcome very quickly, and his mum almost made me part of the family by giving me little tasks to do. Having a rather prickly family myself, I absolutely loved this - yet felt a little odd about it.

The lovely Harbanz and some of his cousins kindly explained that, in their culture (somewhere from India, don't know which region), a son's wife moved into his family home and became, basically, an au pair to the mother. His family really liked me or, more to the point, his mother did, and was already making plans to teach me how to do things their way and get assimilated into the culture.

I regretfully ended it; the boys understood. If your DD's in a comparable situation, I'm assuming they're more likely to be Muslim than Sikh because of the drinking & modesty concerns, but the role of mother's servant is the same in households that keep to tradition. It could be worth gently poking around this question if you think it's a likely scenario.

Of course, there are plenty of emotionally dysfunctional mothers of sons in all cultures! It's harder to analyse them without the cultural framework, but DD may eventually realise she's getting enmeshed with the mother and back away.

Why doesn't the boyfriend come to yours with your daughter? You only know him from what your daughter has told you. She has a friendly relationship with his mum, maybe you should get to know him and you may find he isn't as bad as you imagine. I wonder why your daughter has told you all his bad points? Surely he isn't all bad, otherwise what does she see in him? It's almost like your daughter doesn't want you to like him. Encourage them both to come and visit together, make him feel welcome, then you will have a better impression of what he's really like and whether you have anything to worry about where your daughter is concerned

I am dealing separately with the issues of her relationship, I have sought professional advice already on this, that issue would not be an AIBU post on Mumsnet, I only mentioned it, which I now regret, because if he was a lovely guy I'd be encouraging her to be spending tine with his family. His mum and dad sound like nice people but I still think it is wrong for her to choose them over us at Christmas.

Wow, he has more red flags than Comrade Stalin's birthday parade.

I can remember being this age and finding it

(1) intriguing that other types of parent-(adult)child relationships existed and being interested in the good bits of other people’s relationships (like being treated more adult for example)
and
(2) feeling uneasy that my bf was a bit off in his views of the world but it was a small part of who he was so maybe he’d change…

In time, the annoying bf behaviour meant I ended the relationship and down the line I reflected that although it was nice being treated differently by his mum, I wouldn’t swap mine for his.

I’m probably in the camp of tolerate what you can for the sake of family harmony, don’t take things too personally, do call her out if she is isn’t doing what she said she would (like attending a family do) but as others have said, 20 is still very young to be working out what’s what in the world. If she has a good sense of who she is, it will right itself in time.

It's upsetting but try not to take it personally. It is normal for young adults to branch out from their own families, especially when they are infatuated with someone. But also, her choice to spend time with them over you might be influenced by the boyfriend in some way, so I don't think the relationship issues are separate at all.

OMG, he's such a cunt! He's racist, homophobic, ableist and controlling. Does his mum share his views?

What does your daughter think about him saying that he doesn't like/get on with people with a disability when her sibling is disabled? I'd be really disappointed in her if she didn't challenge him. I can't believe that she's still attracted to him, given that his views are so disgusting.

You need to worry more about her controlling BF than you do about his mum. You're jealous of this woman because you're seeing her as a mother and therefore a rival, when really your DD may simply have made friends with the woman who happens to be her BFs mum because they enjoy each others company.
Her BF on the other hand sounds awful.

But surely the issues are intertwined? She’s choosing to spend Christmas with the in laws because she’s being controlled.

The red flags abour him are waving VERYstrongly. Put your own jealousy to one side. You've absolutely got to be there for her and to keep the channels of comms open. It is entirely possible that she is being groomed away from you by a controlling and potentially abusive man, aided consciously or unconsciously by his mum. Keep things as light and sweet as you can. Keep finding ways of seeing him as well as her and MAKE SURE you're not pushed out. If nec get expert help but for your daughter's sake whatever you do dont let yourself be shut out.

I agree about the wooing by other mum.

Maybe she’s scared of him and feels she has to be nice to his mum. Or his mum is genuinely a lovely person and your DD sees it as comforting to spend time with her.

Try not to worry. She'll be back.

I wonder why 🤔

This happened to us. The mother was so 'cool and inspirational' - a real intellectual heavyweight apparently, until her son showed himself to be a cheating misogynist. I would just continue to ask how dd feels about her bf's views? Have her friends noticed his behaviour? Do not cast judgment yourself or you will see her running headlong into a deeper relationship with him. Remain neutral.

How did I deal with dd/bf mother for the 18 months they were together? I smiled sweetly, said I was glad she had found such a lovely family that had made her feel so welcome within their family, and continued investing my own time into my daughter whenever she was at home with days out/ suppers together and interest and chatting about her life. I never wavered. We continued to listen to tales of this amazing family without rolling our eyes, nor developing some kind of semi hatred for the woman we did not know whom was stealing my dd's attention and time.

I suggested meeting up with bf's mother, but dd wasn't keen unsurprisingly, should the poor lamb find it too much or something'😂

Overall, I was relieved they were so fond of dd, and knew some of the appeal of bf's family was bf himself. I know my dd loves us, and is secure in our unconditional love for her. So is your dd. She knows you will always be there, and as much as it hurts to see them stray into new families and feel deprioritised, this is natural and to be expected.

Plaster on a smile, and invite them over. Let her work out why he isn't for her.

Tbh OP, we’re not privy to your relationship with your dd. I used to get on a lot better with my mil, before she passed, than I did my own mum. I loved my mum, but didn’t always like her. My mil was a lovely person to be around. Maybe, as sad as it is, she gets on better with her bfs mum than you, and has developed a close bond with her.

A very secure young adult will have the confidence to develop other loving relationships. It is a job well done op. Even if it doesn't feel like they at the time.