Daughter chooses "in laws" over her own family

[Bontasha]

My daughter is 20 she has been going out with her boyfriend for a year. He lives closer to her university than we do so so she has got to know his mum quite well. The Mum doesn't have a close relationship with her own daughter and has been doing all the Mum things with my daughter, pre Christmas crafts, drinks, shopping etc my daughter bought his Mum a really thoughtful Christmas present, engraved jewellary. She went to her boyfriends on boxing day and has said she is staying longer to send time with his Mum.
Aibu? I am jealous. When she has 2 days at home she took to her room saying her "social battery" was spent. No thoughtful presents for her own family. She didnt join in a game I had planned for Christmas day and spent most of the time texting her boyfriend.
I dont know her boyfriend very well. She told me he doesn't like her wearing short skirts or going out with any friends. He disapproves of her drinking alcohol and asked her to leave his flat once when she laughed about smoking a joint once to celebrate end of school. He is racist and homophobic, he hates smokers. Basically that is all I know about him as he avoids coming to see us and she has to travel to him.
I am so sad, I am losing my daughter. Any advice?

Could you invite the two of them down to spend a weekend with you during term time or reading week and get to know him yourself?

Similar situation here OP. 31yo DD and at first I was upset because she was always with her MIL and doing similar things, but completely ignoring her own family. Realisation has hit me in the last couple of days that she's in a controlling relationship. Hindsight is a wonderful thing

All you can do is be available for her for if/when the relationship breaks down.

Let her know how you feel, then leave it.
If she feels judged, she'll hold on to him to prove a point.

He doesn't sound great but she's old enough to learn from her mistakes, support her and help increase her self confidence and hopefully she'll ditch him in due course.

You're not unreasonable to be sad she put his family first, but love is blind, more so young love.

If he were a lovely guy and a real catch with marriage potential, I would say she is madly in love and just spending time bonding with his family and its quite a normal stage to go through so don't worry - you have not lost your daughter. Keep up with the contact and the shine will eventually wear off the new BF and family.

But then there were the other comments about what type of person he is. So not a great catch and definitely not someone to invest in. She may still be madly in love with him and currently not seeing his faults. He may be controlling her - which she may not realise. I think the best thing you can do is to keep up the contact with her as best you can. Reassure her lots that you are always there for her. Educate her about what controlling looks like. Educate her about abusive behaviour and not liking marginalised groups of people. Take some professional advice on how to deal with it. The best thing you can do is tread carefully and keep the lines of communication open with her. She will eventually come to a realisation of what he is like. You could do with meeting him really - can you organise this with her? Hopefully the shine will still wear off the relationship and then what you have informed her about abuse and controlling relationships will slot into place and she will make the connections and decide to exit. You haventy lost her but you need to tread carefully and keep the support and communication lines open with her.

If they are both students and they are both still at uni and you have definitive examples of not just homophobic / disablist views but of actual behaviours and actions you could consider reporting him or suggesting your daughter does - perspectives affect behaviours. He may have displayed bullying abusive behaviours to other students. The uni will have an anti bullying / code of conduct for students. I hope he is not on a healthcare related course. But again - tread carefully - he could simply deny it all and without evidence there would not be enough to go on and your daughter may not appreciate this - so tread carefully. Just suggestions

Our children do this all the time, my sisters and brothers did it to my mum and dad, I even did it as well until my ex husband showed his true colours. My ds did it at around 20/21 until his 'marvellous' girlfriend was found in bed with his best friend, whilst the wonderful future MIL screeched at me down the phone from 400 miles away that my ds HAD to be made to leave at 3am in the morning.

What do you do? Keep doors open and communication alive, when she doesn't want to visit , send regular messages 'just thought you'd like this' type stuff, not opinions etc. If he is awful then eventually her eyes have to open, but it won't be in any time scale you want or like. It's not easy, it requires tolerance and patience but always keep the door open.

Why aren't you more concerned about her relationship being abusive.

This.

I’m surprised the disability bit wasn’t the line crossed for DD. But of course, that may depend on how DD relates to sibling…

As others have said, DD may be working out a way to safely end things with BF.

Your daughter sounds as if she is in a coercive/controlling relationship. Your jealousy is possibly a sign that she is being isolated from her family (kind of love bombed by the mother/your family subtly undermined). Put your own feelings aside and stay focused on your daughter. She needs all the help you can give her right now.

If he is very controlling, it’s likely why she spent all that time on the phone with him in her room.

I think it was very relevant to post for that reason.

Naturally she will spend more time with his DM if she lives close by.

All you can do is try and keep the communication open with her and don’t get hung up on details eg of comparing gifts and how it affects you.

Can you plan some times to visit her or book some days out together (I note you say your other DD has a disability so don’t know how possible that is)?

Just putting it out there, my own mum has a very rose tinted version of the past - we are very different, don't get on, no shared interests, different humour etc. But my MIL I get on well with and she makes the effort for me (ie favourite food and drink if we go over etc) so I make an effort back. Yet my mum is annoyed I don't like seeing her more. But honestly I can't stand the noise, the mess, the being stupid that they see as funny, everything. Just wondered if you were being completely honest with yourself over the situation? Not a statement, just something to ask yourself and if you therefore need to consider changing your behaviour not hers?

Yeah from reading your posts and some comments I wonder how much 'choosing' she is doing and how much her boyfriend is influencing. I also imagine the BF family might be trying to welcome and encourage the relationship thinking it is good for him.

Forget about presents and time away from family over Christmas. The real issue is his behaviour and attitudes. The fact she is telling you things voluntarily is a good sign. I wouldn't criticise him directly, but if she discloses something maybe try saying something like 'that isn't normal behaviour' or 'its not ok to tell someone what to wear' etc.
I upstand your concerns about not wanting to drive her away. Parents aren't a useful/reliable source of information at that age.

I think her choosing to spend more time etc with his mum could be part of his control over her. She will need you at some point as it sounds to me like coercive control is in the mix. Bide your time 💐