BIL

[LandladyofTheValley]

My BIL has been here since 23rd.
In that time, he has done absolutely fuck all.
I've been working solidly at one of the busiest times of year along with DH.
BIL is unemployed and it was effectively "our turn" to host him (seems to be our turn far more than the other 3 in laws).
He is sleeping on the sofa, but has left his dirty clothes all over my living room.
He did absolutely zero towards the Christmas lunch. Not even a bottle of wine was given. No gifts to us or our Teen DCs.
Has done not one bit of tidying up (I did that on the one day our business was closed on Boxing Day and then spent 7 hours doing important paperwork).
He lives alone so more than capable of cooking.
Had the audacity to bitch at my DD (18) for "not helping your parents enough" when she had just tidied the kitchen and DS had done the laundry. The lazy prick hasn't so much as picked a wet towel off the bathroom floor after himself.
The final two straws- tells me last night whilst pissed that he "wouldn't be able to get away with it at SIL's homes.
Got up this morning and he's clearly been helping himself to food in the night and had also found a bottle of very nice, expensive wine I was saving for my day off when we have a nice meal as we are closed for two days. And a bottle of Bucks Fizz.
DH is a useless prat and it will be left to me to tell it's time to go home. Then I will probably be treated as even more mean by the poxy SIL who all think it's fine for me to deal with him but none of the 3 of them want him at theirs.
Please tell me I'm alone.
And yes I'm about to give DH hell along with DD who is sick of the tosser as well

I presume he is single.
How old is he?

Yes very much so
He's 61 would you believe and been single since his divorce over 20 years ago

But why invite him at all, if he’s this awful?

I give you a young whippersnapper relative staying with his parents who has refused to let them watch their TV programmes as not culturally superior enough. When he leaves they shall binge watch their Christmas TV.

Not me I may add! My children wouldn't dare!

As always, so much of this could be solved with adults using their words.

If no-one's willing to do that, nothing will ever change.

So you've plenty more Christmases like this to look forward to 🤷‍♂️

It’s time to put your foot down, throw his dirty washing in his bag and say Christmas is finished.

Who behaves like this in someone else's house??!!

Leaving dirty clothes all over the floor of someone else's living room and leaving wet towels on someone else's bathroom floor?

Unbelievable.

That's bad enough before you get to the wine-stealing, being a prick to your kids part.

For God's sake, kick him right out of the door. It's 28th December now. How long exactly was he planning on staying??

And kick your DH firmly in the nuts too.

What exactly have you got to lose??!!

Tell him to fuck off and not darken your door again OP

God, I bet his wife thanks her lucky stars every day that she signed those papers. I hope the poor woman didn't suffer too long.

What an absolute loser.

I said, it's our turn.
And DH doesn't like the idea that the rest of the family would leave him alone all Christmas if he doesn't come to us.
I would rather not and not would DD who will be telling DH exactly how pissed off she is later as well.

When I realised about the wine, I was making a coffee and went straight to our bedroom and woke DH up.
He's apparently going to tell him today to go home and think before DD and I genuinely cause him bodily pain.
In their defence DD did tell him to fuck off and pointed out she had just finished the kitchen.
I've told DH this is the last bloody time and if he can't go to one of the others tough shit

tell DH if he’s so concerned he will be alone he can go to him instead

And stand there saying well get up get him out now

I would rather not and not would DD who will be telling DH exactly how pissed off she is later as well.

Why isn't she telling her uncle?

Why aren't YOU telling him?

Why isn't your DH telling him?

Honestly, this is utterly ridiculous and you're not hosting him because 'it's your turn', you're hosting him because you choose to.

Well he’s not going to get away with it with you any more either is he.
And worse, he’s not going to get another chance to improve as he’s pushed you too far.

Trust me it's very much not my choice and DHs family cause us 90% of any disagreements we ever have or have had in the 30 years of our being together.
They're a big Irish family and apparently family is very important. Despite this belief, and then voicing such, it's only important when their Christmas isn't fucked up by their DB. The whole lot I would not care a jot of we saw them again. They're rude, opinionated and I find for my sanity it's best to shut it and let DH deal with it. They actually openly told DH he shouldn't have married me when he invited them to our 30th anniversary this summer and that was why they wouldn't attend. They really are arseholes.
But DH although he knows they're twats says they are his family and he's resigned to it. I do get it. Mine are all gone and we were very non-commital before that.
DD did tell him. She is feisty and will always speak up. Literally told him to fuck off as he's a lazy twat who sat there while everyone else ran around.

It is very very much your choice.

Unless you're saying your husband would divorce you if you refused.

It's also your choice not to sit this man down and tell him how you expect him to act in your home.

Well, that’s your choice, obviously, but if you’ve invited someone you know to be awful, out of a misplaced sense of obligation, surely it’s no surprise that he’s then awful? Wouldn’t you be happier dealing with the discomfort of saying no than the discomfort of having a filthy leech in your house for days? You choose your discomfort.

Please tell me someone is replacing the wine?

Yes, exactly this. There are ways to be assertive and polite. Get him to leave if you have had enough and who cares what the others will think of you, they will think them regardless of your actions.

Everyone is being very sanctimonious on this thread . The bil sounds like a proper plank but I get it, when someone this dysfunctional and disliked is part of an overall toxic dynamic, it becomes fraught with guilt, duty, obligation and yes compassion- because this useless piece of misogynistic shit is not loved or welcome anywhere. But that’s on him…. He’s had plenty of time to learn some manners but seems to be defiantly trying his utmost to take advantage and push you past the point of no return.

op honestly I think you’ve done your best and no more is required of you. If your husband feels someone must host this loser, then let it be him. Pack up the kids and go to the seaside next year. You’re not the one at fault here you’ve actually been a bit of a saint. It’s probably time you put your foot down because down the road I can see this evolving into a situation of …. Oh bil is retiring now, who’s going to look after him. As he ages and becomes infirm…..

My DH's family are a huge Irish family too, and family is important to them as well. None of them would behave like this, not even the weird alcoholic one. And if they did, they would very firmly be told to sort themselves out by one of the matriarchs.
They are behaving this way because they are assholes. Even the assholes know asshole DB is an asshole. Cut him out. You will lose nothing but an asshole and potentially more assholes. Bonus.

I'm also from a large Irish family and whenever any of them come to stay I actually end up with less to do, as everyone just pitches in.

I wouldn't tolerate that in any way, shape or form 🤣