BIL

[LandladyofTheValley]

My BIL has been here since 23rd.
In that time, he has done absolutely fuck all.
I've been working solidly at one of the busiest times of year along with DH.
BIL is unemployed and it was effectively "our turn" to host him (seems to be our turn far more than the other 3 in laws).
He is sleeping on the sofa, but has left his dirty clothes all over my living room.
He did absolutely zero towards the Christmas lunch. Not even a bottle of wine was given. No gifts to us or our Teen DCs.
Has done not one bit of tidying up (I did that on the one day our business was closed on Boxing Day and then spent 7 hours doing important paperwork).
He lives alone so more than capable of cooking.
Had the audacity to bitch at my DD (18) for "not helping your parents enough" when she had just tidied the kitchen and DS had done the laundry. The lazy prick hasn't so much as picked a wet towel off the bathroom floor after himself.
The final two straws- tells me last night whilst pissed that he "wouldn't be able to get away with it at SIL's homes.
Got up this morning and he's clearly been helping himself to food in the night and had also found a bottle of very nice, expensive wine I was saving for my day off when we have a nice meal as we are closed for two days. And a bottle of Bucks Fizz.
DH is a useless prat and it will be left to me to tell it's time to go home. Then I will probably be treated as even more mean by the poxy SIL who all think it's fine for me to deal with him but none of the 3 of them want him at theirs.
Please tell me I'm alone.
And yes I'm about to give DH hell along with DD who is sick of the tosser as well

Which is exactly how it should be for anyone that actually values family!!

If he was that age (and obviously a penis owner) my mum would probably totally excuse his behaviour. Of course if he was female he'd be expected to have tidied the house from top to bottom, helped every day with cooking and cleaning and bought loads of gifts. 🙄

I pointed out her double standards and she admitted she expects much more of women than she does of men!?

My mum would say this.

She once told me how lucky I am that I have a DH who changes nappies.

I asked if he was lucky to have a wife that changes nappies. She was shocked and confused and immediately said "no!!" and refused to discuss it further.

I’m Irish, as is my DH. We both come from big families, and enormous extended families — DH is one of seven siblings and his mother is one of thirteen siblings. Neither of us would invite anyone we didn’t like or trust to behave reasonably well to stay, Christmas or not. ‘Irishness’ is not some kind of separate category which tolerates familial bad behaviour.

You are obviously a lovely person, but enough is enough. You need to protect yourself too.
So hand on hips, march in and say ‘ OK we need to get things back to normal now and I need my living room back. We also have to get back to work’. Then start pulling the sheets off and tidy up around him.
How does he get home? He is never going to find a partner, so some tough action is required. Tell your husband his brother can visit at another time of year, but not Christmas. If you fall out with the brother, then even better…..

Yes exactly that.
MIL passed away before I met DH. But she was very very traditional, the girls did the housework, the boys worked.
And the SILs have kept that to a certain extent, except they all also have full time jobs. So they're doing the housework, cooking, shopping etc and working, whilst their DHs do sweet FA.
In our house, it's a different dynamic, I'm from a different generation to them (age gap) and we share responsibility. When we cooked Christmas lunch, we had our bits to do and it made life easier as we co-run our business. And despite his comments to DD, she and DS very much pitch in, whilst doing school work as well. They know our hours are long and both are self sufficient (which I'm proud of) they do the shopping and chores without being pushed into it.
He won't change because he's been pandered to. It's not his fault he is divorced, it's the ex-wife at fault. They didn't like her either.
I just don't want to cause a huge, ongoing, situation with the 3 DSils. They are genuinely bullies and I avoid them at all costs and have done for years. They're rude, obnoxious and if you dare to disagree, well, you won't hear the end of it.
I prefer to keep our of it.
And yes, that may make me seem weak to some on this thread, but trust me, it's self preservation and not wanting to make an already awkward relationship worse.
I used to speak up and drown realised it was utterly futile and pointless. And it's not just me, it's the incoming partners and wives of the siblings and even the nieces and nephews.
They are a pain in the arse.

Oh and yes, DH has promised me more wine. He has said he is going to tell him to go home today and why. He will also be telling the elder SIL we won't be hosting again because he's been utterly useless this year, worse than ever.

I just don't want to cause a huge, ongoing, situation with the 3 DSils. They are genuinely bullies and I avoid them at all costs and have done for years. They're rude, obnoxious and if you dare to disagree, well, you won't hear the end of it.

Oh well, you'd have nothing to lose then 🤷‍♂️

Also, it's absolutely fine to go no contact with them given that they're genuine bullies.

I can't for the life of me work out why you haven't.

Why do you give one single solitary fuck about upsetting the SILs and falling out with them? they bring absolutely nothing positive to your life.

You don't need to deal with a "huge, ongoing, situation". Just cut them out of your life entirely. Do not listen to them or take their shit. Block them on everything, refuse to answer the phone or door to them, and just act like they don't exist. They don't like you. You don't like them. What is the point in having any sort of relationship with them or caring what they think? Life is far too short to have anyone in your life that you do not want in your life.

How dare they pressure you into having someone in your home that treats you this way? Who the fuck do they think they are?!

Seriously, OP, it sounds to me like you've put up with them far too long. 3 decades is a lifetime. Do not give them any more hours of your life. You do have that choice, I promise.

With the SILs I have done since January 2023. They had an argument with me because I mentioned DD being a certain age and they swore she was 4 years younger and I was wrong. I'm not kidding. I got told by all three who ganged up that I, who gave birth to her, was getting her age wrong. DD intervened about it. DH had to say to them they were wrong not me, but they didn't apologise. DD also barely speaks to them.

That's what they're like. It would be funny if it wasn't so ridiculous. They are always right.

DD has just collared DH and told him "stick that lazy knob on the train today or else".
He said he will be and is going to tell him when he wakes up.

I used to speak up and drown realised it was utterly futile and pointless.

Don't speak up. Speak down. Block block block. Ignore ignore ignore.

I do wonder why not!

He needs to tell him NOW, in time to get a train, before yet another lunch.

Get him out of bed!

If he leaves it to later this afternoon there will be no transport a,d XXX other excuses.

OP - seriously - tell him now.

"OK, BIL, it's Sunday, the end of the weekend, we're all back to work so best you catch the XXX time train home".

Gawd. It's bloody infuriating isn't it. I feel like I had to fight against it and she was almost encouraging me to have mediocre partners?!

If it happens again that it's your 'turn' I suggest you, DD and DS book a hotel somewhere and leave DH to deal with it.

Just because DH has said he will tell him to go this time (but even then he may not have actually done it yet) that's not to say he won't crumble next year if DB would be on his own.

If he would rather upset you, DD and DS than his brother he takes the responsibility. Make him do the entertaining and cooking etc.

Your DH needs to sort him out! He needs to tell him Christmas is over and he needs to go home today, then DH can give the living room a good clean. If he doesn’t tell him he can piss off too along with his lazy brother!
I wouldn’t have BIL staying over again, invite him for the day only.
Oh and I’d want the nice wine replaced too, or cash to pay for another one

You and your daughter sound so short changed by you marrying into low class scum.
Tell your husband he can go and spend Christmas with his brother.
Block all their numbers and perhaps rethink your marriage.

When you marry down you pay such a high price.
No man is worth it.

Get your husband to kick him out and NEVER have him over again. You don't need to take turns! He will live just fine, staying home for Christmas.

You've been conned into allowing 'turns', decline it.
If your husband is so deeply concerned about his worthless brother being deservedly alone on 25th December he can easily go and sit in the man's house himself.

Can you make him feel really uncomfortable so that he won't want to come again? Accidentally on purpose put a dead spider in his tea, burn his food, be really unfriendly to him? At least if your DH is such a wet nelly he won't dare say anything. Make an evil plan, stick to it. You don't owe your awful BIL anything.

So your SILs argued with you that your daughter was 4 years younger than she is? They sound incredibly stupid.

This whole situation and family dynamic sounds absolutely batshit! Why on earth has this lazy shit been at yours for five days? And why are you tolerating this?!
Who gives a shiny shit what the SILs think - especially as they argued with you re the age of your child!!!!
I’d cut ties with the lot of them and if your ‘D’H doesn’t like it, I’d bloody cut ties with him too.
I do hope this is a wind up thread.

BIL is still in bed past 12pm?

Out of interest how old is your DD ?

This thread has made me feel incredibly grateful not to be in that situation with a god awful massive family. I would rather be single than married into that.

Sorry not helpful.

And this is why I'm so happy to be NC with my in laws. Good luck prising this lazy lump of lard off your couch OP, I'd pay good money to watch the tantrum coming your way.