To be sad they wouldn't tell me directly about the death?

[Aislyn]

My aunt died, my mum's sister. My dad phoned me and said 'x is gone'. I asked to speak to my mum, to find out details of the funeral and offer commiserations, but I was told that she was busy. For context she is retired, and had no plans.

I called back later to speak to her, and I was told that she had guests and couldn't speak. The phone was hung up on me.

It turns out the funeral was the next day. I had to find this out from another family member. By the time I found out I couldn't attend as it was abroad and a (reasonably long) flight away.

AIBU to be disappointed about how I was told this, and the lack of care for the death? My mum made no plans to attend the funeral, and prioritised hosting over telling me and siblings (siblings were not told at all until much later, as my mum prioritised hosting: I didn't tell them as it felt inappropriate for the news to be coming from me)

What was your relationship with your aunt like previously?

Good I would say. She lives abroad but I have stayed with her, and visited her. No falling out ever.

That’s very weird OP, was there a delay in your mum finding out about the death as your aunt lives abroad. Unless your mother is unwell it is strange she didn’t go to her own sisters funeral.

No delay, she knew her sister was approaching the end of life before her death, and was told promptly.

The funeral was arranged quickly for religious reasons, but she could have attended. My mother is in good health.

I found it very weird that she didn't want to attend either. She said 'she is dead, what can I do?'. I said but her children aren't dead, and going to the funeral is to show support to them.

Could she be at the start of dementia. That’s super weird not to go to your sisters funeral and to support your nieces and nephews. Unless there was some monumental fall out.
Do I sense an Irish funeral - quite quick.

People grieve differently. Your mum has lost her sister. Cut her some slack if her grief doesn't look like yours.

No dementia as far as I know. She is very emotionally distant.

Not an Irish funeral but another culture with quick funerals.

I am trying to understand, but what I find bewildering is that she does not appear to be grieving at all.

Could you speak to her and ask her how she would feel if you did that to one of your siblings. Just didn’t bother attending and say they are dead!

Exactly. Plus your dad could presumably have told you about funeral arrangements? Also, isn’t it possibly your siblings blame you for not passing on the news of your aunt’s death? You had your reasons, but those won’t necessarily compute with them.

I did ask and he didn't know.

I think if I did I would get some deflection/histrionics. I totally get what you mean though.

My mum can't travel at the moment due to some treatment she's been having. Could this be something your mum is going through, and her behaviour reflective of not wanting to share her own health issues with you?

That would be an understandable explanation, but there has been no evidence of that. To my knowledge, her health is excellent. She also gave a very callous reason for not going (as above 'she is dead')

But he could have asked your mother?

She told him she was busy. I couldn't get the information.

Dear OP, I won’t comment on your mum’s reaction as there’s clearly a lot going on there, but the way you were told, and the complete lack of notice meaning you couldn’t possibly attend the funeral, is incredibly poor form.

I’ve been in a similar position. I found out my brother had died 3 years after the fact. When I started telling people, I discovered they’d all known long before me. I’m the scapegoat in a very dysfunctional family, and his death was tied up in a long history of trauma that continues to be brushed aside or minimised. What still stings is that my other brother and his wife, who both called themselves “etiquette coaches”, running actual etiquette lessons, never contacted me at all. Part of my brother’s ashes were scattered on our mum’s grave with no acknowledgement of him being there. I’ve since rectified this.

I’m so sorry for your loss. When families handle things this badly, it adds another layer of hurt on top of the grief. But focusing too much on their ineptitude can get in the way of processing your own feelings. Even though you couldn’t attend the funeral, there are still meaningful ways to honour your aunt. Speaking openly with her children/your cousins might help you feel more connected to her and give you some of the closure you were denied.

I really hope you find a way through this that brings you some peace.

My mum dealt with her husband's death in much the same way. I think she believed that she only had to do what she felt was necessary and shouldn't need to think of anyone else. Which is fair in the circumstances but offers to arrange anything or tell extended family were refused. She said she'd do it. She never did. Lots of missed opportunities for closure in my opinion as the bare minimum was done. I think grief can affect people in some really strange ways.

Thank you for your understanding. I haven't been able to speak to my cousins yet as they have understandably been very busy organising the funeral but I hope to soon. We have a good relationship and we have exchanged messages.

Thank you for acknowledging this is hurtful.

There sounds as if there’s a huge backstory here. Not attending your sister’s funeral or telling any of her nieces/nephews of her death sounds insanely dysfunctional.

Id concentrate on your cousins. Presumably if it’s a culture that does funerals this quickly there is some sort of provision in the cultural ‘rules’ for people who can’t get there in time? I’d go and see them, or at the very least phone them and write a card.

There is a backstory of trauma unfortunately. I am not sure how much to go into it as it is a long story (the short of it being that they were all refugees, and experienced huge trauma in their country of origin, including the murder of dozens of family members).

You are right to say concentrate on my cousins. I will do so.

I think the trauma is the clue here OP. My grandparents fled a mass murdering country but they did not want to talk about what happened and they didn’t want us to talk about it either. They never wanted to go back. Not even in their minds.

Do you think that would explain not going to the funeral, and showing no emotion about the death? I am just trying to understand.

My aunt refused to speak the language of the country she left, no doubt because of the trauma.

In case it isn't clear, none of the family lives in the country they fled from, and the funeral was not in this country.