To be sad they wouldn't tell me directly about the death?

[Aislyn]

My aunt died, my mum's sister. My dad phoned me and said 'x is gone'. I asked to speak to my mum, to find out details of the funeral and offer commiserations, but I was told that she was busy. For context she is retired, and had no plans.

I called back later to speak to her, and I was told that she had guests and couldn't speak. The phone was hung up on me.

It turns out the funeral was the next day. I had to find this out from another family member. By the time I found out I couldn't attend as it was abroad and a (reasonably long) flight away.

AIBU to be disappointed about how I was told this, and the lack of care for the death? My mum made no plans to attend the funeral, and prioritised hosting over telling me and siblings (siblings were not told at all until much later, as my mum prioritised hosting: I didn't tell them as it felt inappropriate for the news to be coming from me)

I think that if you’ve experienced the mass murder of family members, that it’s certainly likely to have an impact on how you experience the peaceful, expected death in comparative old age of a family member.

I have a family member who was traumatised by a death and he can’t go to any funerals at all and missed his own brother’s for that reason.

I think it's odd that your mother didn't tell you, but she has lost her sister, so allowances can be made

I think it's even more bizarre that you're complaining about not being told, but you made the choice not to tell your own siblings! Surely if you're upset at not knowing, you could see that your siblings would feel the same, and they now know there's even more people that chose to keep it quiet! I honestly don't understand your thinking here. It's astounding hypocrisy.

You are completely misunderstanding. What was bizarre was being told by my father, then my mother refusing to talk to me. Telling my siblings, when it wasn't my place to, would have repeated this. I suggest reading the thread carefully before making inaccurate and misguided remarks.

Your take on this strikes me as far odder than your mother’s. It’s deeply strange that you didn’t mention that her experience of death has most often been the murder of family members, and that she’s a refugee — of course that’s going to have an impact on how she experiences an ordinary ‘expected’ death. It may not suit your experience of what’s ‘normal’. It’s not clear why you didn’t tell your siblings when you thought it ‘wasn’t your place’.

I already explained why I didn't: because it is hurtful to be given this information second hand.

I am trying to understand, but deeply insensitive replies such as yours are incredibly unhelpful.

I have read the thread properly and I haven't misunderstood anything. There was no reason for you not to tell your siblings. You were upset that you hadn't been told and you chose not to tell them, knowing that this too could upset them as there's now an even bigger share of the family keeping things from them. I don't agree with you that it wasn't your place to tell them. I think you made a poor choice in not telling them. This is not me being inaccurate or misguided, it's an opinion. Which you ask for when you start a thread.

Clearly your username is apt.

You are refusing to acknowledge your poor comprehension skills here, or how unbelievably insensitive you are.

What was hurtful, as I explained, was being told this information second hand. I did not want to repeat this, which is why I didn't tell siblings.

I suggest trying to show some compassion, if you are capable.

But your mother clearly wasn’t going to tell them! You had the option of them being told by you and not being told at all, apparently.

Not agreeing with you does not mean poor comprehension. I'm not the only poster that doesn't see your point of view.

I'm going to leave it there as I don't want to upset you further. I'm sorry for your loss.

YANBU
Sorry to hear about your aunt 💐

It’s very odd, I would say very cold behaviour from your mother.

You really do have trouble showing empathy, don't you?

Once again, I explained being given the information second hand was hurtful. I never said I wasn't told.

I wonder if your mum is literally denying her grief as a coping mechanism - kind of like hiding behind a brick wall or switching off from all emotion relating to her sister - as another poster said, the trauma they’ve suffered in the past, your mums had to find a way to deal with that and it sounds like that’s what she’s doing again here.
Talk with your cousins and keep that relationship on good terms and tread carefully with your mum. It could take some time and a lot of patience but if she doesn’t face or accept her grief she is going to need lots of support at some point x
I’m very sorry for your loss @Aislyn and sending you my condolences x

That makes sense.

It is hard to make sense of these things sometimes when one is within the situation, which is why I have asked for other opinions. (I am going to ignore the crass and insensitive ones above).

I will definitely focus on the cousins and give my mum space. I have no idea how to approach her now.

But you apparently can't comprehend how hurtful it might be to your siblings that they weren't told as soon as you found out 🙄

I explained this multiple times: what is hurtful is how I was told. My siblings were not hurt because I didn't tell them, they understand that it was not my place to tell them.

Really, if you are going to be vile and insensitive, then this isn't the place.

What is wrong with you?!

@Aislyn I really feel for you. It sounds like you’re trying to make sense of something that goes completely against how you would behave, and that’s incredibly painful. You come across as someone with a huge amount of empathy, which is a strength, but it can also make situations like this hit even harder.

From what you’ve shared, the “ignoring” response you’re seeing from your mum may be something that’s been ingrained in her for years, even generations. When there’s deep family trauma, brushing things aside can become a coping mechanism, even if it’s not a healthy one. Add in cultural expectations, gender roles, and everything else, and it becomes even more complicated.

It’s very possible your mum isn’t doing this to be hurtful. Her nervous system may be wired to shut down or detach in stressful situations because that’s how she’s learned to keep herself safe. Going back to a place connected with past trauma could easily trigger that response even more.

But none of that takes away from what youre feeling. You’re dealing with your own grief and loss, and on top of that you’re bumping up against a coping style you’ve probably had to navigate your whole life. That’s a lot for anyone to carry, and it makes total sense that this feels so raw.

Be gentle with yourself. Lean on the people who actually have the emotional capacity to support you right now. And if you can, try to look at your mum’s behaviour with compassion, not to excuse it, but to understand that she may simply not have the emotional tools to respond in the way you need.

You deserve support, and it’s okay to seek it elsewhere when she can’t give it. FWIW - I work with people who have experienced the trauma you have spoken about in this thread.

That’s not a vile or insensitive comment at all. I was wondering why you thought it would be “inappropriate” to tell your siblings. It seems to me that it would have been entirely and literally appropriate

Thank you for a compassionate response. I am just trying to make sense of the situation. Certainly the generational trauma is there, with my mother's parenting ability having been effected.

I have no idea how to respond to my mum at the moment so I am giving her space.

It is completely inappropriate to hear this information second hand, I have already explained that, and that it is also hurtful.

You are being vile by showing a complete lack of compassion here. I will ask for the thread to be pulled due to horrible people like you.

I have had some useful replies, which have helped. You on the other hand really should be ashamed of yourself.

I have requested deletion and will hide this thread now. If anyone has anything helpful to say I would welcome a PM.

To those who see someone grieving, and take it as an opportunity to bully them, you really need to look at yourselves and what makes you so disgusting.

I’m not sure either why being told of someone’s death “second hand” is an issue. Every news of a death is second hand because the deceased can’t spread the news directly themselves. I would have immediately told my siblings in your scenario.

Excellent idea to focus on the cousins. Maybe explain why you couldn’t attend the funeral and that you really wanted to go. Include some memories of your aunt. Offer to visit them?

Why wasn’t it your place to tell your siblings?