To be sad they wouldn't tell me directly about the death?

[Aislyn]

My aunt died, my mum's sister. My dad phoned me and said 'x is gone'. I asked to speak to my mum, to find out details of the funeral and offer commiserations, but I was told that she was busy. For context she is retired, and had no plans.

I called back later to speak to her, and I was told that she had guests and couldn't speak. The phone was hung up on me.

It turns out the funeral was the next day. I had to find this out from another family member. By the time I found out I couldn't attend as it was abroad and a (reasonably long) flight away.

AIBU to be disappointed about how I was told this, and the lack of care for the death? My mum made no plans to attend the funeral, and prioritised hosting over telling me and siblings (siblings were not told at all until much later, as my mum prioritised hosting: I didn't tell them as it felt inappropriate for the news to be coming from me)

Your father told you, no? That's not"second hand"

The job of telling someone that someone close to you has died is not an easy one and clearly one your mother couldn't face in her grief. Have some compassion. Its not like a random stranger told you.

I understand you are grieving but you seem desperate to turn yourself into the main character here and the truth is you are not.

Try googling Ring Theory

Telling my kids that my mum had died was absolutely the worst thing I've ever had to do.

Your dad telling you this does not make it second hand news, that's ridiculous.

Have you ever lost an immediate relative? Grief hits hard and weirdly. She's probably in denial. Rather than questioning her and making your mother's loss of her sister about you, how about showing her some compassion and empathy?

Do you think your mother is upset that she left visiting too late?

When did she last visit her sister?

It is hurtful that you found out too late to attend.
It is confronting that your mother seemed otherwise preoccupied.
Visit your mother with some flowers of sympathy.

Have you beed able to speak with your cousins?
Maybe you'd like to take your Mum there to see her sister's grave in a while.

Is it worse to be told second hand, or not to be told at all?

Your Mother just didn’t want to go. Probably too much hassle.

Those who are saying she is grieving differently are in a way correct. They recognize the shallowness of loss, and need not to be inconvenienced from their own preferences.

My own mother is like this now, and if she started trying to justify not attending her siblings funeral with grief hitting hard and weirdly, and making manipulative demands for compassion and empathy I think I would visibly roll my eyes at her if I didn’t laugh.

She also didn’t want you to go because that shows her up.

Your mother is a callous and selfish woman who just cannot be arsed. Do not take her as a role model for behaviour, do not fall for her lies, and if you can do not let her think that you are going along with it.

If the weirdness of your grief requires you to sit entertaining your mates, maybe you just don’t care that much.

According to OP, secondhand is worse 🙄

I can only imagine her siblings will be thrilled to find out she knew and didn't tell them.

Did you read the OP’s posts about how her mother is a refugee who experienced numerous family members being killed in the country from which they fled? And you don’t think that might go some way towards explaining her atypical response to this death?

It might do- then again it probably doesn’t.

Regardless, how do you think OP would best respond to this?

In my view she should recognize that her mother is most comfortable behaving like this, and unless OP completely falls in with normalizing it, it’s going to be held against her, and her mother will make a huge drama. On the other hand, when she does stand shoulder to shoulder with her mother’s dysfunction then she is going to alienate and fall out with the rest of her wider family. So she should pick the easiest route: falling out with her mother is the easier to repair.

My advice is to do the right thing herself, acknowledge that her mother cannot or will not do the right thing, and therefore carry on without her input. With regards to the cousins be completely honest about the situation, her mother is assuming OP’s silence or acquiescence is fully available to her, and it should not be.

OP needs to step out of child mode and start telling her mother and father that.