AIBU to ask my mom to stop gifting our kids donated toys

[CanadaGoose84]

I’ll try and keep this short and sweet! So for context I work on the R&D team for a small toy company here in Canada. One of the joys of my role is that my three kids (10, 8 and 4) basically have a year round supply of toys…both from a sample/toy tester POV for the stuff I design (best job ever right?!) and also copious amounts of brand new stuff that makes the production line for Xmas and birthdays.

My mom works for a small local women’s shelter, so for the last 5 years or so I have arranged for toys to be donated to them so that women attending the shelter over the holiday period have items to gift their kids.

The issue is, every year my kids keep getting gifted these toys which are meant to be for those in need.

My mom is by no means poor and can afford gifts outright, so why she feels the need to dip her hand in to the donation box is beyond us. The last straw has been this year, when the eldest was gifted a toy which currently retails for about $70 in the shops which would definitely have been far more appreciated by some-one in need (….he’d already tested two of prototypes and owns another three!).

My wife has said to her on more than one occasion that if it is truly a money issue we would happily ask that she gift small items like chocolate or books….but we don’t think that’s it. She owns her property outright as well as rents out several apartments. She was left a sizeable amount of inheritance from various family members and really only works at the shelter as something to do rather than any financial need. Most of her time is donated as a volunteer.

So AIBU to stop donating to the women’s shelter until my mom learns to stop using the donation box for our children? For what it’s worth the team who run the shelter apparently have no issue with it. I don’t deal with them directly, but know a couple
of other people that work there and they’re all allowed access to the toys too. Or is it unreasonable to ask the shelter to make sure the toys are only accessed by those in genuine need, and not those on the payroll?

Have you ever worked for a shelter? I volunteer for a food bank and am sure lots of people think the people who dole out the food shouldn't be allowed to take food for themselves... but they are volunteers too and on the breadline. Volunteers can often be in need too - I don't think you get how these things work on the ground, often people volunteer to get help for themselves.

Some people cannot see a free thing go by them no matter what it is. It’s an honest to god disease. Just smile, accept it, say thank you, and donate it straight back to the same shelter or fling it to the charity shop.

You’re mistaken on two counts: making assumptions that I don’t know how things work, AND, the OP clearly describes his mother as not being in a financial position to need to take the toys.
People aren’t required to volunteer at food banks to get food from them.

There is no way staff at a shelter should be taking these.

Have you said to your mum. Why are you taking these - I donated them!?

The point here is your kids don't need or want these toys so it's a thoughtless gift, whilst also taking away from families who could use them.

I work for a charity and often we do allow staff to access donations for their families, only after service users have been allocated what they need. This is because they are often very low paid and in difficult circumstances themselves. But this isn't the op's situation - they are not in need!

You're mistaken. I asked a question - I didn't make an assumption. I asked a question which invites more answers than just a foggy response. Which it very much was. Your second part is just blah blah - I never said any such thing.

Sounds like more than your mother is a problem if the other "helpers" are also helping themselves. Do ANY of the toys actually make it to needy familys?

Lol, a foggy response - like I need to justify my credentials to you🤣

As I said, you’re mistaken to think I don’t know how things work ‘on the ground’ (or however you phrased it)…also the OP did say his mum didn’t need to take the toys, so your scenario wasn’t applicable to her.
And the ‘shelter’ IS badly run if it allows staff and volunteers to help themselves to things gifted for residents/visitors. If somebody who volunteered / worked somewhere was in financial difficulty and needed some toys for their family a good organisation would probably help them to get some, but the OP has described his mother as being well-off and says she volunteers there for something to do.

I didn’t make any mention of food banks (or other charities, or similar) you did - I only said that THAT shelter wasn’t a good place for the donations to go.

I won’t be reading it or replying if you come back with anything, I’m guessing it would be a waste of time.

Can’t she see what disappointing gifts these are for your children? That they’d prefer something new to them, maybe a unique experience from her?

I suspect this happens a lot with donations e.g. charity shop volunteers having first dibs on donated clothes (though they’d probably pay), though it isn’t right. There may be better-run charities to donate to - or maybe you just wouldn’t find out what happens.

I would publicly shame them for letting staff take things from their needy clients. It's atrocious behaviour. People like her shouldn't be let anywhere near needy people. Do whatever you have to, but make this stop.

They shouldn't be allowed to take donations because they volunteer. They should be given food if they need it.

Volunteers wouldnt be able to access the money donated to the charity... so I cant see why toys are any different.

Also your mother is being incredibly lazy too. This basically means she cant be bothered to shop for a propper present for her own grandchildren.

I’d stop donating to them and find somewhere else, If it’s a perk for your mum, it’s a perk for everyone there and I’d question how many of the gifts ever make it near to the intended women, they are probably just getting the leftovers that were the last pick.

I think you should find a better run charity to donate the toys to which will ensure that donations go to those in genuine need and are not used as a perk for employees. You could also let your mother know this plan is advance so she'll hopefully be made aware that her behaviour has led to this. I think it is probably a world wide issue though so I hope you can find a suitable charity. We live in Ireland and after my mother retired she volunteered in a charity shop, she noticed quite quickly that the manager (only person on payroll) insisted on sorting through the donations herself despite it being one of the most time consuming jobs, she then realised that the best of donations never made it to the shop floor, irrespective of clothing size etc. She had a lot of friends leave in bags and bags of donations which were never displayed or sold in the shop, when she enquired this the manager claimed items were shared with other branches but my mother knew this to be untrue, it turned out that the manager had been creaming off the best donations for years and had a small shop selling used/vintage clothing etc in a tourist village three hours away where her son lives, her dil ran the shop which only opened during the tourist season.

if you've already asked her not to, its time to give them back. No thanks, we have more than enough toys already and the kids would like them to go to children with less.

Of course your mum is completely in the wrong, but the shelter also need to have a tighter grip on who’s taking the gifts. I donate good quality items to the Salvation Army at Christmas, and I’d be very disappointed to know that they were going to people who don’t need them.

How weird.

Sit her down with paper and pen and draw the cycle for her.

Say you can't accept them and why DC don't went them.
And that money is better instead or.somerhing different

Why don’t you donate direct to charities who provide presents direct for birthdays or Christmas? Some churches will run this sort of scheme, or perhaps some children’s charities?

I work with a charity in the UK that gets stuff donated from places like IKEA amongst others. We have to account for what has been done with the donations. Could you ask for something similar. (Its not in depth, the list is X items used as raffle prizes, Y used in activities, Z sports equipment first used on this date, and we provide a few carefully selected photos for their social media (without the children in)

‘Mum, we love you and I understand that you’re trying to do something that you think is nice for your grandchildren. But a) what you are doing is shameful. You are depriving children in need of expensive toys to give them to children who most definitely do not need them. That’s not a perk; that’s doing a really rotten thing. And b) I donated these toys. The children have already played with them up, down and inside out. They have played with them so much that they won’t ever pick them up to play with them again. They still have three sitting in their bedrooms. All you are doing is causing me extra work to take them back to the shelter, where they need to be’.

Definitely don’t stop donating because you’re doing a lovely thing that really changes a child’s Christmas. But you do need to impress on your mum what a shameful thing she’s doing, stealing from children. The organisers might say it’s ok, but the donors of the toys and the children they’re intended for would be unlikely to see it the same way.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5466812-mil-gave-children-gifts-from-a-homeless-charity-for-christmas
^
Another OP with a very similar problem.

Tell her not to gift your children toys.

@Longtimelurkerfinallypostsoh my word it really is isnt’t it! What is wrong with people.

It isn't for you to dictate how the charity is run or who is a worthy recipient of your donation. If the charity allows donations to be shared amongst service users and staff and they are complying with their own regulations then there is nothing you can do. If you don't like the way the charity distributes your donations then donate elsewhere; don't start trying to control what they do.

I don’t think that the shelter is doing anything wrong here.

One of the biggest barriers to supporting people in poverty is getting them to accept help, and the shelter will be aware of this. Many, many charities have a similar strategy where staff are allowed to access all service user benefits because it helps remove the stigma.

I also don’t think that your mum is doing anything wrong in accepting - she’ll be aware of the balance between ensuring service users have enough and helping remove the stigma of accepting. Thats almost certainly why you ended up with a baby toy as she has prioritised age appropriate toys for the children in the shelter.

What is very very weird is then gifting them to your family. How odd! I would get around this by asking for something specific for them next year eg a ticket to somewhere or a trip for an ice cream with grandma etc.