AIBU to ask my mom to stop gifting our kids donated toys

[CanadaGoose84]

I’ll try and keep this short and sweet! So for context I work on the R&D team for a small toy company here in Canada. One of the joys of my role is that my three kids (10, 8 and 4) basically have a year round supply of toys…both from a sample/toy tester POV for the stuff I design (best job ever right?!) and also copious amounts of brand new stuff that makes the production line for Xmas and birthdays.

My mom works for a small local women’s shelter, so for the last 5 years or so I have arranged for toys to be donated to them so that women attending the shelter over the holiday period have items to gift their kids.

The issue is, every year my kids keep getting gifted these toys which are meant to be for those in need.

My mom is by no means poor and can afford gifts outright, so why she feels the need to dip her hand in to the donation box is beyond us. The last straw has been this year, when the eldest was gifted a toy which currently retails for about $70 in the shops which would definitely have been far more appreciated by some-one in need (….he’d already tested two of prototypes and owns another three!).

My wife has said to her on more than one occasion that if it is truly a money issue we would happily ask that she gift small items like chocolate or books….but we don’t think that’s it. She owns her property outright as well as rents out several apartments. She was left a sizeable amount of inheritance from various family members and really only works at the shelter as something to do rather than any financial need. Most of her time is donated as a volunteer.

So AIBU to stop donating to the women’s shelter until my mom learns to stop using the donation box for our children? For what it’s worth the team who run the shelter apparently have no issue with it. I don’t deal with them directly, but know a couple
of other people that work there and they’re all allowed access to the toys too. Or is it unreasonable to ask the shelter to make sure the toys are only accessed by those in genuine need, and not those on the payroll?

*"For what it’s worth the team who run the shelter apparently have no issue with it. I don’t deal with them directly, but know a couple
of other people that work there and they’re all allowed access to the toys too. *"

Thiswould put me off donating to this shelter.

My concern would be this isnt a rule of the charity as such, but something the staff on the ground have come up with as a perk. They are also in a position where they get first dibs so can pick out the best or newest toys for themselves or even sell on via Vinted or the like, leaving the less desirable toys for the actual people they were intended for.

It wouldn't be acceptable for this to happen with cash donations, or clothing, so I dont think its ok here.

Your donations by the sounds of it are worth hundreds of dollars a year, that isnt ok for staff to take.

Id send a letter outling concern over staff behaviour to the Trustees. If your donations arent suitable for service users the charity can sell them to raise funds.

The shelter is very badly run as these items are being gifted for the recipients of the shelters services, not the staff. I’d stop donating to them and donate to another charity.

The shelter isn't doing anything wrong. I imagine plenty of their staff/volunteers are former service-users, who remain in some financial need. This is generally the way.

Allowing all staff and volunteers to access the donations is absolutely the most tactful way to support these women - rather than creating some kind of potentially humiliating process whereby they have to approach a manager, declare their need, and ask to be allowed to access the donations......

Why are so many posters wishing that on them?. Why should charity only come at such a cost?

OP, your DM is making a weird choice, taking toys when she doesn't need them, and giving them to your kids when you repeatedly ask her not to. I suspect this isn't the only eccentric thing she does?

But I do NOT think the entire shelter should have to transform it's policies, and make it harder for other volunteers to get the help they need, simply because of your mom's inexplicable choices.

Please don't assume the staff at the shelter are incompetent and need to be told by you how to run the place. I'm quite certain they have the policies they have for a very good reason.

If, quite rightly, you object to your mom's behaviour, lay it on the line to her? Be polite, kind, but absolutely firm that she is making you VERY uncomfortable and unhappy by gifting these donations to your kids. Say you understand she means well, but it has to stop, and that the kids don't value them either because it's stuff they have already had. Offer to help her choose and source brilliant alternative gifts the kids will love!

And re-donate any items she gives you. That's easy enough, surely?

Good luck.

If people donate to a charity, the intention is for the beneficiaries to gain benefit, not staff or volunteers as that’s unethical and illegal as they are not working in line with the charity’s objectives.