AIBU to ask my mom to stop gifting our kids donated toys

CanadaGoose84 · 2025-12-27T20:41:23+00:00

I’ll try and keep this short and sweet! So for context I work on the R&D team for a small toy company here in Canada. One of the joys of my role is that my three kids (10, 8 and 4) basically have a year round supply of toys…both from a sample/toy tester POV for the stuff I design (best job ever right?!) and also copious amounts of brand new stuff that makes the production line for Xmas and birthdays. My mom works for a small local women’s shelter, so for the last 5 years or so I have arranged for toys to be donated to them so that women attending the shelter over the holiday period have items to gift their kids. The issue is, every year my kids keep getting gifted these toys which are meant to be for those in need. My mom is by no means poor and can afford gifts outright, so why she feels the need to dip her hand in to the donation box is beyond us. The last straw has been this year, when the eldest was gifted a toy which currently retails for about $70 in the shops which would definitely have been far more appreciated by some-one in need (….he’d already tested two of prototypes and owns another three!). My wife has said to her on more than one occasion that if it is truly a money issue we would happily ask that she gift small items like chocolate or books….but we don’t think that’s it. She owns her property outright as well as rents out several apartments. She was left a sizeable amount of inheritance from various family members and really only works at the shelter as something to do rather than any financial need. Most of her time is donated as a volunteer. So AIBU to stop donating to the women’s shelter until my mom learns to stop using the donation box for our children? For what it’s worth the team who run the shelter apparently have no issue with it. I don’t deal with them directly, but know a couple of other people that work there and they’re all allowed access to the toys too. Or is it unreasonable to ask the shelter to make sure the toys are only accessed by those in genuine need, and not those on the payroll?

MyThreeWords · 27/12/2025 20:44

Of course you should ask her to stop doing this! She is essentially returning to you the toys that you have arranged for donation to families in need! Just tell her No!

HoppityBun · 27/12/2025 20:47

What a peculiar situation! Is there anywhere else you can donate these toys to? It would be so good if children who really need them could have them.

YAMDNBU

Arlanymor · 27/12/2025 20:47

You would stop donating to a women's shelter supporting hundreds of women because of this scenario involving only your family? That's wild. If you want to tell the shelter how to run things then you should volunteer yourself to see how it really works on the ground - and then you can have input on changes to the operating model - rather than asking them to make changes just because you won't talk to your mum!

I'm not sure why your wife has to talk to your mum when she is YOUR mum and you can talk to her! Just explain to her exactly what you have explained to us here. I'm sure she will be able to grasp it! Just ask her to stop gifting using donations - I re-read your post twice to check if I had missed you saying this to her already, but apparently not. Use your voice!

Tammygirl12 · 27/12/2025 20:48

Donate them to another worthy charity. Sorted.

there’s plenty of women and children in need across different states and countries. It doesn’t need to be that specific one!

Original poster

CanadaGoose84 · 27/12/2025 20:52

Arlanymor · 27/12/2025 20:47

You would stop donating to a women's shelter supporting hundreds of women because of this scenario involving only your family? That's wild. If you want to tell the shelter how to run things then you should volunteer yourself to see how it really works on the ground - and then you can have input on changes to the operating model - rather than asking them to make changes just because you won't talk to your mum!

I'm not sure why your wife has to talk to your mum when she is YOUR mum and you can talk to her! Just explain to her exactly what you have explained to us here. I'm sure she will be able to grasp it! Just ask her to stop gifting using donations - I re-read your post twice to check if I had missed you saying this to her already, but apparently not. Use your voice!

Sorry I should have specified! I have spoken to her myself….at least the two years it’s happened. She just shrugs her shoulders and says she thought the kids would like them and it’s a nice work perk.

…..forgetting it is also MY work perk, I guess?!

OP posts:

Arlanymor · 27/12/2025 20:55

CanadaGoose84 · 27/12/2025 20:52

Sorry I should have specified! I have spoken to her myself….at least the two years it’s happened. She just shrugs her shoulders and says she thought the kids would like them and it’s a nice work perk.

…..forgetting it is also MY work perk, I guess?!

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Sounds like! I used to work for Disney (in the marketing department) and boy was I popular when it came to people wanting toys! I think stopping your donation or asking them to change their practices is using a sledgehammer to crack a nut. This is your family issue - it's a shame she can't see it for herself, but the one thing I would say is that (a) you can donate the toys back when they have no need of them anymore and (b) kids will soon be at an age when they want different things anyway. If you have tried and tried and she won't listen, then maybe it's just something ride out until the later years.

LatteLady · 27/12/2025 20:57

Tell your mother what the consequences will be, ie, that you will no longer donate to her shelter. Your children are really lucky, and hardworking as they already work on these toys, so they would appreciate, vouchers and outings with your mum... that should stop the issue... or maybe they might enjoy doing a charity shop trip with her to buy gifts for others?

Original poster

CanadaGoose84 · 27/12/2025 21:01

@LatteLadylove that idea. My mother in law always asks for ‘time’ as a gift. Outings, walks, craft workshops. She prefers time together as a family to anything material, maybe I should suggest this.

OP posts:

Original poster

CanadaGoose84 · 27/12/2025 21:04

Arlanymor · 27/12/2025 20:55

Sounds like! I used to work for Disney (in the marketing department) and boy was I popular when it came to people wanting toys! I think stopping your donation or asking them to change their practices is using a sledgehammer to crack a nut. This is your family issue - it's a shame she can't see it for herself, but the one thing I would say is that (a) you can donate the toys back when they have no need of them anymore and (b) kids will soon be at an age when they want different things anyway. If you have tried and tried and she won't listen, then maybe it's just something ride out until the later years.

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Like the idea of donating them back. My youngest was gifted toys meant for a newborn by her and I was honestly going to leave the tags on and just take them back to work to be donated to a different charity…. but maybe I should take them all back to the women’s shelter and mention we don’t need them in our house, so they should be re-gifted to some-one more in need.

OP posts:

Arlanymor · 27/12/2025 21:05

CanadaGoose84 · 27/12/2025 21:04

Like the idea of donating them back. My youngest was gifted toys meant for a newborn by her and I was honestly going to leave the tags on and just take them back to work to be donated to a different charity…. but maybe I should take them all back to the women’s shelter and mention we don’t need them in our house, so they should be re-gifted to some-one more in need.

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I love that idea and I think that @LatteLady's suggestion about time is great too. Also good for you for tackling this situation - I didn't mean to come across as harsh - I think it's great that you are looking for solutions.

FamilyofTrees · 27/12/2025 21:06

I would definitely tell her to stop doing this and explain why if she doesn't understand! But in the meantime or if she won't stop them just donate the toys back again!

APatternGrammar · 27/12/2025 21:11

Surely an employee shouldn’t be taking donated items?
You could talk to the shelter management about making it a condition of the donation that they are distributed immediately but I have to wonder whether anything alerting them to the problem might cost your mother her job for stealing.

Original poster

CanadaGoose84 · 27/12/2025 21:16

APatternGrammar · 27/12/2025 21:11

Surely an employee shouldn’t be taking donated items?
You could talk to the shelter management about making it a condition of the donation that they are distributed immediately but I have to wonder whether anything alerting them to the problem might cost your mother her job for stealing.

That’s the weird thing, other people I know who work there say it’s not even stealing as everyone is allowed access to them, including staff. They just choose not to take any because…well….i guess they know it’s wrong.

I don’t want to tell them how to run things but yeah, I agree, these toys aren’t for people who work there. Not sure if I’m out of line saying that to them.

OP posts:

Owly11 · 27/12/2025 21:49

Isn't this theft? The toys belong to the shelter not
to staff members.

Marcipix · 27/12/2025 21:56

I agree that if it’s not regarded as theft, it should be.
She does sound like a rather odd person.

Otherwise, her behaviour is completely shameless. Does she expect gratitude for the toys nicked from the shelter?

Original poster

CanadaGoose84 · 27/12/2025 22:22

@Marcipix it’s utterly bizarre. When the eldest unwrapped their toy they sort of looked at me briefly then mustered a ‘thank you’ before putting it down and not really looking at it for the rest of the evening. Like it’s not even like the kids get excited over them. They’ve literally done them all!

OP posts:

Original poster

CanadaGoose84 · 27/12/2025 22:22

@Marcipix it’s utterly bizarre. When the eldest unwrapped their toy they sort of looked at me briefly then mustered a ‘thank you’ before putting it down and not really looking at it for the rest of the evening. Like it’s not even like the kids get excited over them. They’ve literally done them all!

OP posts:

Original poster

CanadaGoose84 · 27/12/2025 22:24

@Owly11 my guess is that as a lot of staff members have been guests of the shelter they don’t discriminate who receives the donations. My issue is that the toys are going to those who genuinely do not need them.

OP posts:

Blondeshavemorefun · 27/12/2025 22:26

She’s mad and basically stealing off a family who needs and would appreciate them

dont accept gifts from her anymore or just take thrn back to the shelter

Marcipix · 27/12/2025 22:29

I think you need stern words about the fact that the toys are taken from a donation box and ( I missed seeing the ages of your children) that your children know where she got them.

It would probably be better to agree on an outing instead of a gift; then make some age-appropriate suggestions.

user98732 · 27/12/2025 22:34

I would tell the shelter manager that you are donating on the strict understanding that the toys are not taken or accessed by staff members. Job done.

Marcipix · 27/12/2025 22:35

I was trying not to use the word ‘mad’ but yes.
Her behaviour also seems to show that she can’t be bothered to shop for her own grandchildren, and that this freebie will do.
I would be seriously unimpressed.

NewGoldDream2026 · 27/12/2025 23:05

That particular shelter is not the right place to donate to if they allow staff/ volunteers to help themselves to items which are intended to benefit people in genuine need. It sounds like they don’t have proper procedures in place, or the will to do the right thing by the families in their ‘care.’ I’d find another place to donate if I was you.

Your mum is another issue. I wonder what her reasons for volunteering there are if she’s happy to help herself to things meant for kids in need, like she’s entitled to do that (though obviously the organisation shouldn’t encourage it)?

It seems like your mum is being cheap/ tight-fisted too, she can afford to buy gifts for your kids, and presumably knows you donated the items, and that your kids don’t need the toys she takes, but she takes them anyway.

Your mum wouldn’t be able to take the toys if you donate them to a place that will make sure they go where they’re meant to be going, so that would take that part of the equation away.

VikaOlson · 27/12/2025 23:08

Tell her the kids don't want toys, don't gift any more - she can choose to either get them clothes, books or lego/video games (something specific your company don't make).
If she tries to gift one of your donated toys just hand it straight back to her.

NewGoldDream2026 · 27/12/2025 23:15

Arlanymor · 27/12/2025 20:55

Sounds like! I used to work for Disney (in the marketing department) and boy was I popular when it came to people wanting toys! I think stopping your donation or asking them to change their practices is using a sledgehammer to crack a nut. This is your family issue - it's a shame she can't see it for herself, but the one thing I would say is that (a) you can donate the toys back when they have no need of them anymore and (b) kids will soon be at an age when they want different things anyway. If you have tried and tried and she won't listen, then maybe it's just something ride out until the later years.

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The shelter clearly isn’t run according to good practice if it allows staff and volunteers to help themselves to items intended for kids in need, so it isn’t just a family issue. That’s not to say that the OP’s mother shouldn’t know/ do better though.