In laws with tiny stomachs

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Staying with in-laws (aged in late 60s). We are a normal healthy family with normal appetites (I think?). I am sick of having to "request" 3 meals a day. As far as I can work out they generally must eat a cup of tea for breakfast, a dry wafer with a thimble of cheese for lunch and a grilled sardine for dinner usually, with loud exclamations that the enormous amount consumed for each meal will see them out for the next few days.

Today I have had to drive to a cafe for a normal lunch and bought horderves "for Christmas" just to bulk up the dinner of boiled potatoes and two slices of ham. Children are ravenous. It was their choice of hosting, and I am paying for all the food (but they get to dictate the (lack of) menu!

I'm staying at my mum's, who eats hardly anything. I bring bags of my own food! Seems to work, but there's definitely a 'surely you're not going to eat all that' comment or glance from time to time.
It's not the same as your situation because I don't have a family to cater for. But I do sympathise. And I love 'horderves' 😀

YABU If more people ate like your ILs there would be less obesity in this country.

Hilarious😅

Go out for meals instead of cooking at their home.

My DM has a very tiny stomach. She nearly fainted when I told her I'd bought the DCs pancakes and pain au chocolat for Christmas Day breakfast. Surely they couldn't possibly eat anything else that day after such a humongous breakfast?! I have 2 boys going through puberty and I cannot fill them up quickly enough these days.

Be grateful? Why??

My mother is like this. She is not tight-fisted, she is a great cook and a generous host in other regards.

But - aged 80 - she has most definitely forgotten what it is like to have an appetite. She eats like a toddler and calculates how much food to provide based on her requirements, not the requirements of other adults or teenagers. She has always had issues around food and was very much brought up that eating very little is to be aspired to, the main conversations she had with relatives in the 70s and 80s when I was a child were about who had gained weight and who had lost weight. The constant commentary about "so much food" when presented with a very ordinary portion drive me crazy but I now ignore it.

We are going there today - me, DH and two teenagers. I am taking with me 3 packs of party food because I know from experience not to believe my mother's reassurances that there is "plenty of food".

When I was about 18 I stayed with my nan for a week and for breakfast she would sit over the unsliced loaf of bread and if I asked for another slice for toast she would carefully slice it about 1/4 inch thick at the most.

At that age I was about a size 8 and had a very big appetite but only at mealtimes, I rarely ate anything in between.

She was fairly tight with money etc. even though she wasn't hard up at all. I think she was glad when I went home. 😆

If you live close enough for them to have dinner on at home, why are you putting yourself through staying with them for days?

Sounds horrible. Surely Christmas is a feast time, so even if used to eating little usually you should have plenty on to offer guests.

Although the dynamic with you paying may be awkward - perhaps they feel it would be rude to ask for loads extra in that case. You could be a bit more assertive with that if this happens again, ie just buy more than they say anyway.

The advice of communicate is good advice but it often doesn’t work.

my grandma was proud of how little she ate and if people made comments she’d simply tell them they were fat.

now ok, maybe with adults but a two year old needs feeding regularly.

my mum is now going through similar and she is in the early stages of dementia. I have to remind her regularly how to use iplayer. No chance she’ll remember about other people’s appetites - and yes, she is skeletal. Everyone in her life is constantly telling her to eat but she won’t.

ex PIL it was more about money and control. You could get away with bringing food “as a contribution” but any more than that and there would be drama. Mil would be busy “cooking” and ask you to leave the kitchen while she was cooking. Meals would be a few hours late or just not appear and “you just don’t understand how hard it is hosting” if anyone said anything.

they also like a pp once threw a bbq where there were four sausages for four people. We let the kids have them and I ate leaves. Went to bed very hungry that night.

eventually we started meeting up in Airbnbs and each couple (PIL plus three adult kids each with partners and kids) took turns in hosting. It did encourage them to up their game and at least you could sneak food in and it was only a weekend.

My Dad is like this. I don't want to eat 4 slices of toast with olives, cheese etc at breakfast at 10 and then nothing until 8/9pm when we have another huge portion. He's never stingy, loves feeding people but because he provides large portions (which he eats half of what he serves other people by the way) he doesn't understand why people want to eat in the middle of the day. I eat a normal sized breakfast when I'm there and make myself (and especially my teen DS!) something at lunch. He doesn't stop me of course but he side eyes and warns not to lose appetite for dinner! And he spends so much time and energy creating an amazing meal that I feel churlish requesting a small portion. Oh and he's extremely judgemental about people who are overweight......

When I was breastfeeding my still-a-big-eater son, we were having a dinner at the inlaws which iirc correctly, consisted of a scoop of stewed red cabbage with some modest sized baked potatoes (one each) and the butter on the table would have been a.slice off the block in a dainty dish. No meat, no cheese...

Ds started howling mid meal so I went up to feed him..When I got back MY PLATE HAD BEEN CLEARED AWAY AND THE LEFTOVERS BINNED.

Never forgot it.

MiL is still an ostentatious calorie counter in her 80s. She has shrunk several inches, has broken her hip and pelvis through osteoporosis. But none of that matters because she avoids the ultimate crime of carrying a spare ounce.

My SIL offering one M&S quiche, a garlic baguette and a bag of salad leaves for 6 people for dinner/evening meal. We ended up secretly going out to get McDonald’s, I never eat McDonald’s…..

I sympathise OP, my in laws are lovely but I have sporty teenage DC and they always come back from visits to their grandparents asking for a top up. DH has raised it and he got "well we give them the same size portion as us" and he responded that they need the same size helpings as we have (we all eat at theirs regularly so they see our helpings then) it just tends to happen when DC are there without me and DH.

Luckily my kids are polite so will nicely ask for more but it is a bit of an issue if they don't cook enough and that's what leads to snacks afterwards at home.

I can't get my head around it when they obviously had a teenage boy with my DH and surely he ate like any normal teenager. He says their appetites have shrunk over the years as it definitely wasn't like this for him back then.

I think in your shoes OP I'd just loudly tell the DC to go help themselves " well if you're hungry guys we did bring that xyz that must still be in the fridge so go and get that" ??

My mum is like this, she eats barely anything. I know this - so I just buy extra food for myself. No big deal.

Thank you for the messages, they have been my main sustenance. To answer questions, in-laws are visibly offended if I bring actual meals to eat, if I bring "extras" like dips or bread "for the table" this seems acceptable. Luckily they were out of coffee this morning (/ would never have more than a meek Earl Gray tea without milk anyway) so I went out to get coffees. I brought back mountains of croissants "they were going to be thrown out otherwise" and popped a cannoli in my mouth in the cafe. DH doesn't think that directly addressing the underfed emaciated 🐘 in the room with them, is going to help and indeed will only offend.

FFS.

There's always a post like this. The in-laws are in their late 60s. Statistically it's very likely that they will both be around next year and for many, many years to come. That's point 1. Point 2: just because people are older and nearer death than they were doesn't give them a free pass to be selfish and inconsiderate and not contradicted.

Your passive aggressive little x at the end of your post doesn't make it better either. Spending time with people who have probably been hard work and hypercritical all their lives is not a privilege and it almost certainly won't be a pleasure. It may be a duty, depending on your point of view and family set up.

They sounds annoying and they clearly have forgotten that kids tends to need lots of energy.

DC tends to eat a huge amount of snacks and needs 3 proper meals a day our grocery bill is through the roof.

Could they be on weight loss drugs? That could account for small appetites and nausea looking at food.

Unlikely. Appetites decrease with age. Mine certainly has. I sometimes forget to eat because I’m basically never hungry.

Bore off.

It’s not always age related either. My own DM is 80, a healthy weight and can easily out eat me. But my (vile) SIL once served up one medium sized quiche and a single bag of salad leaves, with tap water, as dinner for 6 adults. We haven’t been to her house since!
And to everyone who says “oh well I don’t need to eat that much”. Great, good for you, but you do know that other people are different? I don’t eat breakfast, I cannot face food before about 11am but when I’m hosting I provide a proper breakfast (full English, yoghurt, fruit, pastries etc). It’s just polite!

This.

Thankyou.

I love you for your horderves OP 🤣 it's how it should be spelled I reckon. It's my new favourite.