In laws with tiny stomachs

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Staying with in-laws (aged in late 60s). We are a normal healthy family with normal appetites (I think?). I am sick of having to "request" 3 meals a day. As far as I can work out they generally must eat a cup of tea for breakfast, a dry wafer with a thimble of cheese for lunch and a grilled sardine for dinner usually, with loud exclamations that the enormous amount consumed for each meal will see them out for the next few days.

Today I have had to drive to a cafe for a normal lunch and bought horderves "for Christmas" just to bulk up the dinner of boiled potatoes and two slices of ham. Children are ravenous. It was their choice of hosting, and I am paying for all the food (but they get to dictate the (lack of) menu!

Omg you have just described my in-laws. Serve up tiny portions while while proclaiming how filling a grain of rice is. Refuse to feed our 3 children as "they don't know what children eat" . We have to take all our own food when we visit (they have plenty of money) and they ravenously eat what we bring while I mutter sarcastic comments under my breath.
You can either accept it and take your own food or only visit for a short while..we go for lunch but stop at McDonald's on way down for kids to eat as it's 2 hours each way and they need lunch at some point. You won't change them I'm afraid and my husband like yours wouldn't challenge.

I had the opposite when my mum stayed last year. I was WFH but managed to make soup or something for lunch, just the things I would normally have. After the second day she insisted on 'treating' me to lunch out for the next three days and I gradually realised it was probably because she eats a lot more than me and was probably hungry on what I eat for lunch. I just hadn't really thought about it.

But she was having two/three course lunches and whatever I cooked for dinner as well whereas I was stuffed still from lunches out and barely ate later on. So when she visits again this year I'll make sure I have a lot more in. It was a genuine lack of thought on my behalf. She is 75.

Have an omlette for breakfast and they start telling everyone we won’t need dinner that evening because we have had so much to eat.

It’s this performative ‘we won’t need to eat again today will we’ aspect that really annoys me. Not least as nearly every time I’ve heard someone say this after breakfast or lunch they DO eat again that day, often many times.

It’s taken me awhile to realise that for some people it’s just a phrase they say, and not meant to be taken literally. But as someone who tends to take comments at face value, and who had disordered eating when I was younger, I can really do without this ‘I eat so little’ performance.

Perfect 👏👏👏

It's easy to say just communicate but in a lot of cases the issue isn't just the lack of food provided, it's the level of judgement and shaming that go along with it. People who can't grasp that others might have different needs may not be the sort of people who take feedback well or who have raised children who feel able to communicate openly with them.

I will say we do just say clearly we need more food, ignore all the nonsense about not needing to eat again and pretty much takeover the catering but the endless comments are wearing.

One of many reasons why we don't visit DM at home anymore. Nothing to eat, nothing to do and always freezing cold. She's not short of money just has no hosting skills. She's a bit overweight actually so presumably doesn't eat bird like portions at other times. Like you, I dislike the constant reference to how much she's eating, how stuffed she is, how she'll not need to eat again until tomorrow. I don't know if its a generational thing to talk like that but I want to keep DC shielded from what I feel is a bit unhealthy/disordered talk around food by today's standards.

My mums favourite thing to say when the meal gets delivered at a restaurant is ‘oh we could share this next time! That’s too much’. Everyone finishes their meal apart from her but she’s had 500 calories worth of wine to bulk her out. She eats like a bird but drinks like a fish

I’ve never met an 80 year old of either gender who ate the same quantities as they did in their 40s. It’s well documented that slower metabolism, hormonal changes, and the effects of common illnesses/conditions of old age, and their associated medications, tend to reduce appetite.

My GPs ate very little as they got older. However, they would have been mortified if anyone left their house hungry. They always had a full fridge, full cupboards and generous snacks. They would never have dreamed of expecting a family to survive on their tiny portions.

Why would they throw away food thats good to eat but be concerned about waste? Have you actually bought food to eat but it ended up in the bin?

My DM has been a competitive non-eater for decades. She absolutely fails to see food as a nutritional essential of life and energy and sees it only as calories.

She’s currently suffering with a bad cold and is messaging me how she feels “tired and shakey”. Will she eat breakfast? Will she fuck.

Yes people eat less but my mother in her 80s is eating a lot more than many on this thread - age alone isn’t the reason behind this

My MIL has form for this and it drives me crazy. I just want to have 3 meals a day and have some sort of certainty that it will happen! I feel like I am the only person prepared to say ‘shall we eat now’, ‘what’s the plan for lunch’,‘I’m hungry’ etc- pretty sure if I didn’t say anything then we would never eat. She has the appetite of a sparrow which is fine but she enforces it onto others which is not fine, she commonly says things like ‘oh me and FIL have only just had breakfast so we don’t need lunch’, when actually FIL turns out to be quite peckish. Also, when we are hosting and trying to feed her and find out a meal we can cook that we can all enjoy she will say ‘oh just dry toast for me’, ffs. She has also described DH and DD as ‘piggy’ for enjoying a full breakfast. Which made my blood boil. I spend my time trying to limit contact and maintain positive attitudes towards food in our own family home. She does have a very restricted diet so it’s possible she has an eating disorder but controlling or commenting about other people’s eating is not ok. Especially a child! DH is on my side but I think has just been worn down over the years, and communication in general is poor so he has sort of given up I think. He also doesn’t get as hangry as me or DD…..

If people have catered specific numbers per person they need to serve on plates, not let people help themselves. Some people are so odd!

Ugh, do you do this on purpose because you're antisocial and hate having people over?

I don't think anyone in this day and age in this country is starving. I've never eaten huge meals,born a few years after the war and had ration books, the experts reckon that was the most healthy diet,no upfs, everything home cooked,a lot home grown,shot or fished for. Health issues have dictated different dietary requirements. I always cook plenty,it's in dishes help yourself. Earlier in the week I stayed with single DD as she has major surgery and lives alone. She has a big appetite (she's over 6 ft tall) big lunch and dinner, snacks, doesn't eat breakfast, which I didn't realise.

I don’t accept it’s normal to eat next to nothing as you get older. I’m a nurse and most of the patients I know who have lived to old age are the ones with a healthy appetite.

That said I think there is a generational attitude (especially post war baby’s) that food should be rationed and if you eat a lot you’re greedy.

Did they feed DH as a child?

What is more common in the UK is the sneery attitude if someone is full (or particularly doesnt want to drink), food and drink being pushed on people is far more common and much more uncomfortable. I think over indulgence and greed is not pushed or tolerated as much in other countries. Enjoyment yes, but not overkill.

My late mil,was completely the opposite,there would be a huge lunch,an hour later multi bags of crisps,offered round, then sandwiches and other snacks. She couldn't show physical affection, never had even when the kids were small (she walked out when they were school age) she got angry and offended if you didn't eat it all. We used to come away feeling ill, then put our feet down said no,so she did doggy bags.

That’s fine for them, but they’re hosting guests. They need to consider that their guests are not older people and make sure they provide enough for their guests to have a more normal diet.

My dad was still eating really well in the care home right up until just before he died and he was 94. He really enjoyed his food.

For breakfast he had cereal, one poached egg on toast, another slice of toast and marmalade and a cup of tea.

Lunch was a cooked meal with a dessert.

In between there was tea with cake morning and afternoon.

Evening was a snack tea, sandwich or soup plus tea and cake later on.

He was a bit of a marvel to most of the staff and that's when they knew (and we did too) that he was coming to end of life when his appetite dropped off a cliff and he ate very little after a succession of infections.

My mum on the other hand, ate really sparingly for 20 odd years, she rarely finished a meal with a cleared plate even though there was hardly anything on it to start with.

Horse's doofers, as we used to call them.

Have you tried being visibly offended yourself, when they don't bloody feed you? I mean, that's more offensive. Who decided that they can't be offended, but you can?

Well obviously, but getting older doesn't mean you begin to starve your family, does it?

Hmmm. I’ve been to celebratory occasions in Italy and France and let me tell you, anyone not eating all the endless courses and knocking back a glass of wine with every dish was definitely frowned upon and heavily encouraged to keep eating. And my friend’s Indian parents are essentially deaf to the words ‘no thanks, I’m full’.