Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feel bad for saying it, but I’m not enjoying Christmas at my elderly dad’s house

66 replies

BarbaraVineFan · 27/12/2025 00:03

My dad is 87 and extremely capable physically but becoming slower mentally. We lost my mum in 2021 and since then dad has needed a lot of communication and contact. I’m a single parent to
6 year old DD and we see my dad very regularly- about every 3 or 4 weeks usually, as well as speaking to him every evening. I’m a teacher and we usually spend most of the Christmas holidays with him.

The problem I’m having is that I’m just not enjoying Christmas with dad like I used to. I think as he has got older he has got more set in his ways and he seems to need to plan everything obsessively. He is always asking me what we are having for lunch tomorrow, what time we should get up, what we should do. He wants to ‘ do something’ (like go for a walk or visit somewhere) every day, but needs a nap every afternoon, so we always feel rushed. He has also become less appreciative of the effort I make. The other day we had someone over for a pre Christmas lunch. I was cooking all morning and the only thing he could say was ‘I felt it could have done with some gravy’. It’s just not relaxing.

What’s more, on top of this, I have had an ear infection and have been feeling rubbish and in a lot of pain, but had to soldier on doing all the cooking etc. To be fair to dad, he has been good looking after DD sometimes so that I can rest, but he still expects proper meals to be cooked at set times and wants us to all go out even when I haven’t felt well.

We have almost a whole week more of this and I’m just feeling in desperate need of some time to relax and just potter with no expectations. But I feel bad for thinking this way, because my dad is essentially a lovely kind man and DD adores him. AIBU?

OP posts:
IhadaStripeyDeckchair · 27/12/2025 00:07

Leave early
Tell him you're feeling unwell & will go home tomorrow to ensure he doesn't get "it", to enable you to see your GP (even if you're not) & because it will be easier to keep DD occupied with all her toys etc at home

Make future trips shorter.

Ohmysaintedauntfanny · 27/12/2025 00:08

This is a tough one to vote on. I’m afraid due to his age, I’m on the fence. Soz!

EezyOozy · 27/12/2025 00:09

Oh god… I am just going to bed but this is just like my dad. There is no way I’d stay with him for a week! Can’t you think up an emergency and leave early?

Original poster
BarbaraVineFan · 27/12/2025 00:09

I would love to leave early, but unfortunately we have arranged for dad to come back to ours (just over an hour’s drive away) to stay for new year, because I never want him to be on his own at new year. So hopefully it will be better once we are at my house, but I’m not sure it will!

OP posts:
Meeeeeeeeep · 27/12/2025 00:16

You need to kindly and firmly draw up some boundaries.
Advocate for your wants and don't fall into the trap of mothering him. I know he is quite elderly,but involve him in the cooking/ prep rather than running a catering service for him and decide what activities to join in.
His expectations are not your responsibility.

Dontlletmedownbruce · 27/12/2025 00:17

A whole week is a lot. Maybe you could leave a day or two early? It's a tricky one for sure. He needs a carer it seems, someone to cook and serve his meals. Maybe go get some ready made stuff he can shove into the oven to save you some work for two evenings until you get better. I'm ashamed to say I find it very hard to be around my elderly father, he talks and talks about the same thing and demands undivided attention and it's exhausting

Ukefluke · 27/12/2025 00:25

He is old. He is set in his ways. He is a bit annoying.

In a frighteningly short time, you will be old and set in your ways and annoying to your daughter. You presumably will hope for her patience and company.

I would give anything to have my annoying set in his ways Dad back with us, being kind and adoring my daughters.

BeMintFatball · 27/12/2025 00:32

Are you well enough to drive home (with him) tomorrow? Nothing like your own bed when you are unwell.

What does your dad do normally when you are not there? Does he have organised things to do? He’s looking to you to make
all the plans. In a way it’s admirable that he wants to be active go on walks with you and DD. Is he worried DD will be bored without an activity?

You definitely need to have a chat and tell him you are not well enough for activities.

I do understand about elderly parents becoming childlike. I have an 88 year old mother. Four hours in one dose is as much as I can stand

TheSmallAssassin · 27/12/2025 00:36

I can understand you missing your dad, @Ukefluke, but expecting someone with an ear infection to cook all your meals and go out every day when they are feeling rubbish is not kind and shouldn't be excused because someone is "set in their ways".

I agree with @Meeeeeeeeep that you should set some expectations this time, @BarbaraVineFan, you deserve a break!

Daygloboo · 27/12/2025 00:42

BarbaraVineFan · 27/12/2025 00:09

I would love to leave early, but unfortunately we have arranged for dad to come back to ours (just over an hour’s drive away) to stay for new year, because I never want him to be on his own at new year. So hopefully it will be better once we are at my house, but I’m not sure it will!

That's so sad because they really cant help it. Thats what old age does. You could gently say you get more tired now. Is there a possibility to sometimes go out for a meal instead of having to cook ? You might feel better on your own turf. Or maybe batch cook so you already have stuff ...you can cheat with cooking to make it easier on yourself. Just be a bit clever. He will be none the wiser if you find clever little ways to make it easier for yourself. White lies dont hurt anybody.

2Rebecca · 27/12/2025 00:47

If you weren’t there what would he do? Tell him you don’t want to be doing something every day and if he likes to go for a daily walk he goes without you. Why can’t he be alone for New year? It’s just a day. It doesn’t sound like he’ll be wanting Hogmanay parties

littleburn · 27/12/2025 00:50

As your DF is ‘extremely capable physically’ and you’re his guest, could he not be doing the cooking (or at least helping) and be more involved in planning what you do each day? I assumed he was at your house as you’re doing everything, but reading on you’re currently staying with him.

theunbreakablecleopatrajones · 27/12/2025 00:56

You need to do a rebalance to get more of what you need - you are working and single parenting and you need a break.

I understand you can't shorten the visit this time, but you need to explain to him that you aren't well and can't do a trip out everyday, and go to M and S and let them do the cooking.

Shorten it next year - I get you want him to have you over Christmas, but New Year not so much - New Year is generally about going out with your mates. If you aren't up for that / have gone beyond it then I don't think it's a big deal.

fruitfly3 · 27/12/2025 00:56

OP dementia and such like can make older peoples’ reactions much more blunt and unappreciative. Just a thought.

174ghxt · 27/12/2025 02:01

Teaching is a full-on profession. You're a single parent. You speak to your dad every night. You're spending most of the Christmas holidays with him. You're ill. And you're wondering if you're being unreasonable for needing some downtime!
You're doing far, far too much, expecting far, far too much of yourself. You need a break - even if your dad is lovely and your daughter adores him, you need a break! Old people are hard work, young people are hard work, everyone is hard work, however lovely etc! Give yourself the break you need and deserve and use some of it to start asking yourself why you and what you need isn't higher up on your list of priorities. You can't pour from an empty cup.

SunMoonandChocolate · 27/12/2025 02:10

What does your Dad do for meals when you're not there OP? Can he not do the same while you're there, and you just cater easy meals for yourself and your child until you're feeling better?

Alternatively, can you just say 'Dad, I'm sorry I know the plan was not to go back to mine until (what ever day), but I'm feeling pretty awful, and would really like to get back to my own bed, plus DD won't need as much entertaining, when we're at home, as she will have all her own things there, so I've decided we'll go back to mine tomorrow, I take it you're happy to fit in with that?' If he says he's not, then tell him, he'll have to do some of the cooking, and if he wants to go out, he'll have to go under his own steam, as you really need to rest and get better, before it's time to go back to work, because obviously as a teacher you really can't have time off out of the school holidays.

northern2025 · 27/12/2025 02:18

Ukefluke · 27/12/2025 00:25

He is old. He is set in his ways. He is a bit annoying.

In a frighteningly short time, you will be old and set in your ways and annoying to your daughter. You presumably will hope for her patience and company.

I would give anything to have my annoying set in his ways Dad back with us, being kind and adoring my daughters.

how helpful

hattie43 · 27/12/2025 07:03

I feel for you as I’m in the same boat . My mum isn’t as picky but has turned into such a negative moany women who repeats the same old stories like she’s telling them for the first time , is becoming hyper focussed on things that aren’t important, checking and checking the same detail . We played a board game and she provided a running commentary on every move I made in the context of was I cheating . Totally exhausting. Next year I’d like to go away but she has literally no one else so would be alone , although she says she doesn’t want friends .

rookiemere · 27/12/2025 07:28

Argh so sorry I ticked YABU and I didn’t mean to.
Echo what others have said, a week is a very long time and he is probably used to being on his own and doing things exactly the way he wants them. Can you get out a lot - go for long walks, hit the sales - to break it up a bit ?

hididdlyho · 27/12/2025 07:35

I think you need to remind him you're not feeling well and aren't up to leaving the house everyday. Would he sit and read the newspaper and maybe do a crossword to fill one morning? Tell him 'I'm not well enough to leave the house tomorrow, but if I get some rest, hopefully I'll be able to in a couple of days'. Also, think going back to your house earlier with him sounds like a solid plan.

FigurativelyDying · 27/12/2025 07:41

I think it is age - I recognise these behaviours from my mum. Write all the annoying things down. Swear on everything that is holy that you will NEVER do the same to your own children. My husband has my permission to lock me in the shed if he ever hears me fretting to the kids about tomorrow’s lunch or reciting our and our friends’ illnesses (the organ recital)

Glitchymn1 · 27/12/2025 07:41

Will he understand you aren’t well? Tell him you need a few days in. I’d consider driving home earlier than planned (with him).
Can you order takeaways a few days, can your dad get food for you all?

It’s draining. Doesn’t mean you don’t love them but it’s hard to cope at times.
Go to the G.P and get some antibiotic ear drops and look after yourself.

FigurativelyDying · 27/12/2025 07:41

But yes, tell him you are unwell and you need to go home

Tontostitis · 27/12/2025 07:46

OP needs to be far more realistic about her own needs and set boundaries that take those needs into account. As a single parent of and only child to a widowed parent putting yourself and your needs anywhere is difficult but you really need to.

SchoolDilemma17 · 27/12/2025 07:50

He is nearly 90! Of course he is a bit difficult and set in his ways. My toddler also needs a nap after lunch, it’s not impossible to plan around it. How many more Christmasses will you have together? Not many. Try and be a bit kind and understanding, I’m sure he appreciates it. Have a rest when he does and DD can watch a Christmas film.
this year I’m missing 3 people terribly at Christmas and none of them even lived to 87.