Feel bad for saying it, but I’m not enjoying Christmas at my elderly dad’s house

[BarbaraVineFan]

My dad is 87 and extremely capable physically but becoming slower mentally. We lost my mum in 2021 and since then dad has needed a lot of communication and contact. I’m a single parent to
6 year old DD and we see my dad very regularly- about every 3 or 4 weeks usually, as well as speaking to him every evening. I’m a teacher and we usually spend most of the Christmas holidays with him.

The problem I’m having is that I’m just not enjoying Christmas with dad like I used to. I think as he has got older he has got more set in his ways and he seems to need to plan everything obsessively. He is always asking me what we are having for lunch tomorrow, what time we should get up, what we should do. He wants to ‘ do something’ (like go for a walk or visit somewhere) every day, but needs a nap every afternoon, so we always feel rushed. He has also become less appreciative of the effort I make. The other day we had someone over for a pre Christmas lunch. I was cooking all morning and the only thing he could say was ‘I felt it could have done with some gravy’. It’s just not relaxing.

What’s more, on top of this, I have had an ear infection and have been feeling rubbish and in a lot of pain, but had to soldier on doing all the cooking etc. To be fair to dad, he has been good looking after DD sometimes so that I can rest, but he still expects proper meals to be cooked at set times and wants us to all go out even when I haven’t felt well.

We have almost a whole week more of this and I’m just feeling in desperate need of some time to relax and just potter with no expectations. But I feel bad for thinking this way, because my dad is essentially a lovely kind man and DD adores him. AIBU?

You really need to rethink the length of time you commit to spending with him next year. This is your time to rest as well. Don’t be a martyr op. He also might be finding it difficult with you being in his house as well and will be glad when everything goes back to normal.

Well ...of course you're not enjoying it.
Where are YOUR choices?
Absolutely nothing wrong with setting boundaries.

Thanks all. I think you’re right and I’ll avoid spending so much time with dad Next year! It’s too late for this year I fear

Is it really too late for this year ? I don’t know how far away you live but it’s only the 27th so if you leave today you and your DD can have 3-4 days to enjoy before you come back for the 31st dec. I suspect your DF may be struggling with so much company as well when he is used to being on his own. You could say you aren’t feeling well and just need to get home to your own surroundings for a while.

Can you suggest a relaxing day (a lie in) with ready prepared bits and pieces for dinner with a salad?

My DH is getting like this, I'm cooking Xmas dinner and he's asking what I'm planning to cook for New Year! The first think he asks in the mornings is what's for dinner tonight, before I even get a cup of tea, drives me nuts.

Please get the ear infection checked, if you’re running on empty you might need antibiotics to help you fight it. Some can be serious if not treated, but that’s unusual and don’t mean to worry you. Particularly if you get a fever get advice. Pharmacists are now able to look in ears and can help with some types, would probably be able to see if it’s an outer or middle ear infection. More likely to be able to help directly with outer ear infex and signpost you to gp or urgent treatment if it looks like middle ear. Hope you feel better soon!

You have over committed yourself. Shorter visits are needed and you need to dictate what you can give him with a full on teaching job not the other way around.

Sadly, it does sound like the start of cognitive decline or dementia. Negativity, no empathy and needing to know what he is doing are all signs.

Can you move him a bit closer? If it is dementia then you need to start planning how you will manage it now. If he will discuss it then you need to have conversations about what he wants. Get Lasting Power of Attorney for both health and finances sorted now. Start getting a grip on his finances and health now so you are aware of what he has and the status.

We had done some of this but not all and I ended up going over to my Mum three or four times a week an hour away for a year. She was having two care calls a day. I gave up work to facilitate it and nearly had a breakdown. I’m still not right now thanks to that and other things.

I just reread your posts. You’re only an hour away, same distance as me from my DPs. Just say you’re feeling rubbish because of the ear infection and you need to get home to rest and get a doctor’s appointment for Monday. You have already spent lots of time with him and will spend more on New Years Eve/Day.
I am probably going to say this wrong so please try to take the intent not the words, but if you had a DP you probably wouldn’t feel you needed to spend nearly two weeks with your DF, so take some time for yourself and your DD.

If you only live an hour away you could still go home today and have a few days rest before picking him up on the 31st so you can see the bells in together on Hogmanay if he enjoys that so much. You are sounding as though it’s an all day drive

Ignore posts banging on about how one day you’ll be old and exactly the same (crystal ball anyone?), as well as those missing loved ones who have died (sad and I empathise but totally irrelevant to your post). You sound like a devoted daughter but you need to look after yourself too. Shorter visits next year and set your own limits on what you are prepared to do.

I really don't understand why you need to spend an entire week, when you only live an hours drive. Why? Who decided that? Surely you could have been there Christmas morning and left Christmas night? Or the next day, at the latest. What is it with people in the UK (I'm not in the UK) needing to stay somewhere for a week or two weeks if they are more than 30 minutes drive away? I don't understand. What is with that???

@Christmaspatioi am already on antibiotics for my ear infection - since yesterday- so they will hopefully help!

Those people saying to go home, I think I will leave the plans as they are for this year, as dad gets very discombobulated when plans change. However, I have already declined the walk we were planning for today in favour of pottering round the house, so that’s something!

She's "selfish" because she won't spend an entire week with her dad when she lives not far away? Really?

Has he been tested for dementia? It sounds as though he has the beginnings..I would make sure his GP will talk to you and suggest an appointment with the memory clinic. Not sure how close you live or If he has other support. If it is.dementia, you can start accepting it and planning for his future. You might need to arrange for carers to come in and check on him
.

"That is awful. Your poor elderly dad won't be around much longer. God people are selfish."

It's not awful. The OP needs rest too. It's sensible to spend Christmas with him, go home for a rest and then pick him up for New Year.

It's the way she said about spending less time with him. A man that raised you.....

Why should she have to spend an entire week with him? Why?

For all those implying that OP is being selfish to her "poor old father" just knock it off. OP is tired and ill and her DF's various demands are tiring her out. I lost both parents by the time I was 10 years old, in the 49 years since I've never told anyone else that they should be grateful for having a mum and/or dad. Of course I've been envious of friends with loving families, but lots of those friends are struggling to care for their aging relatives now. Give the OP a break.

Treat him like you would an equal and a friend, not a boss or a god. Tell him what you need and what you can do and don’t let things like the gravy comment pass. “Thanks dad, the correct response is ‘thank you darling that was lovely, I really appreciate you going to the effort for me’ “.

Why do we let parents get away with rudeness and inconsiderate behaviour? If he way your DH we’d be shouting at you to have strong words or LTB. Respect works both ways.

Family life can be exhausting, but we do what we do because we love and care about them. I help out with my 94 year old MIL, 83 year old mum, look after my grandchildren 2 & 4, my husband goes to work and I do everything in and around the house, I have aches and pains but don't want to sit in a chair and stagnate. I feel very fortunate to have four generations in my life and it will be a sad day when no-one needs my help. I'd love to sit and have a chat and a cup of tea with my lovely dad, who passed away early at 74. Elderly parents and young children can be trying, but try to keep things in perspective, children grow up and parents pass away, things don't last forever ...

I'm with him on gravey however you need to take charge and manage him

.

YANBU @BarbaraVineFan

YANBU @BarbaraVineFan