Feel bad for saying it, but I’m not enjoying Christmas at my elderly dad’s house

[BarbaraVineFan]

My dad is 87 and extremely capable physically but becoming slower mentally. We lost my mum in 2021 and since then dad has needed a lot of communication and contact. I’m a single parent to
6 year old DD and we see my dad very regularly- about every 3 or 4 weeks usually, as well as speaking to him every evening. I’m a teacher and we usually spend most of the Christmas holidays with him.

The problem I’m having is that I’m just not enjoying Christmas with dad like I used to. I think as he has got older he has got more set in his ways and he seems to need to plan everything obsessively. He is always asking me what we are having for lunch tomorrow, what time we should get up, what we should do. He wants to ‘ do something’ (like go for a walk or visit somewhere) every day, but needs a nap every afternoon, so we always feel rushed. He has also become less appreciative of the effort I make. The other day we had someone over for a pre Christmas lunch. I was cooking all morning and the only thing he could say was ‘I felt it could have done with some gravy’. It’s just not relaxing.

What’s more, on top of this, I have had an ear infection and have been feeling rubbish and in a lot of pain, but had to soldier on doing all the cooking etc. To be fair to dad, he has been good looking after DD sometimes so that I can rest, but he still expects proper meals to be cooked at set times and wants us to all go out even when I haven’t felt well.

We have almost a whole week more of this and I’m just feeling in desperate need of some time to relax and just potter with no expectations. But I feel bad for thinking this way, because my dad is essentially a lovely kind man and DD adores him. AIBU?

This is never going to change, because he is very elderly, and to be honest he sounds like every person I know over 80. Apart from leaving him on his own, you have no choice but to have him for Christmas. Is there no-one else who can help/stay with him him every other year or something? And why do you have to stay a full week?

I know it's annoying, when you work hard to rustle something up to eat for people, and they pick at little things and don't say anything positive, but a cooked meal with no gravy? What was it, did it need gravy? (Sorry, just curious what it was!) He could still have said 'this is nice, but is there any gravy?'

Also, can the 'be grateful you still have your dad' posters please STOP. This kind of passive-aggressive guilt-tripping, that is always aimed at hard working frazzled women, trying to juggle a dozen things at once, (including managing difficult and demanding parents,) is getting bloody tedious. It's on every single thread where posters are struggling with demanding (and often critical) parents...

My parents died some years ago, and I think people are entitled to get irked with parents who are doing their head in a bit!

YANBU @BarbaraVineFan I'm sorry you're having a stressful time... Like a few others though, I don't know why you have to spend a week with him. Surely 2-3 days would have been OK.

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@BatchCookBabeit was gammon, and we had braised red cabbage with it which was quite ‘wet’ so I felt it didn’t need gravy. I mean, maybe I could have made some- I didn’t mind him mentioning it, but it was the fact that he only had that to say, rather than saying ‘it was lovely, delicious ham, great potatoes but personally I could have done with some gravy’ or something.

Firstly, you have been ill this year so that makes everything much worse.

Its all a question of attitude and expectation. When you are a child Christmas is the best and most exciting, lovely time of the year. When you are the poor sap lumbered with doing all the work it's really tough, and it's often hard to enjoy it

I get through the whole thing by focussing entirely on myself and how I can make the time as easy for myself as possible. You can feed people without cooking all the time, send DD out for the walk with your father and say you have to stay and do something, as your DD gets older she can do more entertaining. Above all plan a big treat for yourself for when it's all over.

It is so hard looking after olds, but yours does sound pretty easy tbf. It won't be forever.

I think you are a touch sensitive here, he is your dad after all. My MIL never praised or complimented any food we made, sure it was annoying but she was old and like that.
this could be one of your dad’s last Christmases and you want to get irritated over gravy? The man is nearly 90!

Awww, I get you. Even if he would have liked gravy, he could have said 'this is lovely, but do you have any gravy?' I HATE it when you work so hard, and someone only has a negative/critical thing to say! DH has been guilty of this in the past now and again! He has got a short shrift from me though, and a threat to never cook for him again, if it's not bloody good enough. (He had a phase of saying 'it's a bit dry/wet/salty/not salty enough/too strong tasting/a bit sloppy etc....' with no positive comments.) He didn't do it for long! Yes I do all the cooking, before anyone says anything! 😆 I don't mind. But don't slag it off unless you want to cook for yourself!

OP you're not selfish and other posters missing their own beloved parents is not your problem/the point.

Is he suggesting outings/walks every day because with guests there he doesn't feel he can potter around as he usually would and is therefore getting restless? It might be that as he's hosting he feels the need to entertain but isn't really up for that so is then passing the buck onto you to think of something.

It wouldn't be so awful to just see him Christmas Eve - Boxing Day next year or whatever shortened visit works for you. He wouldn't be alone for the festive days and if you want to host him at New Year's you'll both have had a break and will probably enjoy it all more.

I would try and squeeze in a GP appointment for your ear infection though - I had one before Christmas a few years ago, it was waking me up at night. They prescribed me a spray and that night I slept without waking, I could've wept with relief.

And so it continues............... 🙄

It’s cause your ill.
my dh had norovirus last year and is full of cold this year…, wrap up and stay inside @BarbaraVineFan
Hopefully next year will be better for you both

What? Is it only allowed to post when you have the same opinion as the majority?

yes dreadful old man, how dare he ask for gravy at Christmas? Can’t he pull himself together and not need a nap? How dare he be old and fragile? OP should go NC immediately and never call him again.

happy now?

The question is "am I being unreasonable?", not "this is how I feel, it's nobody else's business." What is the point of asking advice if you don't want to hear other people's point of view?

If he's physically well and always wanting to do something then tell him to help you prep food! Why do men always think women should be running around after them? He's not too old and fragile to peel a flipping potato, he's just used to women running round after him all his life.

It wasn't Christmas dinner if you read the OP, it was a pre Christmas gammon. It's perfectly normal not to have gravy with gammon.

Can you all leave and take him back with you now?

He is old and old people can be very stubborn about wanting things their way. I don't think you can do anything to change that but you might feel more comfortable in your own home.

You obviously did not the read OP and all her posts. This is about far, far more than just 'gravy'.

No need to take him back with her now. She can pop back on New Years Eve to pick him up, it's not a far drive. She really needs the few days breather in between. Going home but taking him back with her is just relocating the problem.

this. He's presumably capable and able to cook meals for himself and work out when he wants to leave the house for the day the rest of the time when you're not around. If you don't want another big meal just tell him 'Actually dad I'm not that hungry, I'll just make a sandwich or have some cheese, if you want anything else crack on.'

Does he even care about being on his own on new year or is it just you assuming it's important to him? It really is just another day for millions of people - my gran, who is the same age as him, lives on her own, goes to sleep at 10pm (after a nice whisky!) on one year and wakes up in the next. She wouldn't want to be in my dad's house or anything like that.