I've barely seen DH over Christmas

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My DH is a chef, we have a 3 week old baby boy and he isn't British.
This year DH was working during the day on Christmas Eve and almost all day on Christmas Day but had today off. Traditionally on Boxing Day we travel into London and meet up with his other friends who are from his country too, big meal and all the foods he associates with Christmas. His friends who host it live in a small 2 bed in central London, not spacious as it is.
He got home around 7.30 on Christmas Eve, we had dinner and did the presents from his family, then at 11 he left to go to midnight mass, I'm not catholic, he is "culture catholic/cradle catholic" he had to get a 40 minute cab to the church that does services in his first language. He got home at 3am, as the service ended about 1.20am, then he walked to his friends house with them and had a drink before getting a cab home.
He didn't wake up until 9am, knew he had work at 11. We finished the gift exchange and he ran off. I went to my parents so the day was fine, when he got home he was tired so didn't even acknowledge our son.
Today we were meant to spend the day together before he went to his friends in the evening, I was invited to the meal but decided not to go as its a tiny flat and lots of people to have around a new baby. I did ask if he would skip it this year as I'd barely seen him, he said no this is his Christmas.
Then instead of actually spending the day with baby or I, he was in the kitchen making food for his meal tonight, when I asked if I could help at all he told me no. Then dinner doesn't usually start until late with his friends but he left at 4pm to help them set up. He likely won't be home until well into the early hours.

AIBU to be annoyed we haven't spent anytime together and to wonder how this will work in future years if he isn't willing to make any adjustments for our family?

I don’t know how anyone could not be upset by this. The question for you now is if you’re happy to live your life like this or if you’re going to challenge it…

He should have missed the meal and spent that time with you - he is working hard but you and your newborn should have had that time.

I don't really know how to challenge it without a fight. He will argue that he already made the compromises, moving to the UK, living near my family etc. and that the only tie he has to home are his friends and celebrating with them.
I think he is expecting in future years I'll want to spend boxing day with his friends but if he is working Christmas, I don't know how that will feel like family time.

Has he always been like this? Why did you have a baby with him?

I don't know what you mean by "this". In the past I've gone to his friends with him so we haven't encountered this before now.

What have past Christmases been like, pre-baby?

As someone who moved to her spouse’s country, I can fully understand your DH’s position. He’s given it all up already, he needs something to make it less awful being away from home and family friends at this time of year. Obviously not ideal when you have a 3 week old but I think the onus is on you to understand the daily, ongoing sacrifice. Sorry. It’s really tough at certain lunch points (ageing parents, accidents back home, weddings and funerals, and of course birthdays (if you care about them) and Christmas/NY).

I voted YANBU, but then I read your update.

His friends are his extended family, and they are his tie with his traditional Christmas.

So, I don’t think either of you ABU, but you need to talk about it for next year.

YANBU. He sounds like a selfish twat.

Generally we have spent Christmas Eve together having a meal after he finished work, I might have joined him at mass (often not as im not catholic, don't speak the language and don't enjoy it), Christmas Day I have gone to my parents, then on Boxing Day spent the day time just us before going to his friends, so not that different from this year, but it felt different when I could go to the meal and there wasn't our baby to think of.

I did ask if he would skip it this year as I'd barely seen him, he said no this is his Christmas.

He’s prioritised himself and his friends over his partner and tiny baby. That’s hard to take.

It’s only a couple of days out of the year - plenty of people have partners who work shifts or away over the Christmas period, it is what it is. Kindly, I think you are overthinking this due to having a tiny baby. Maybe next year organise your own family celebration on a different day.

He sounds very hardworking. Spend the weekend together?

He is beyond selfish.

He is working over the weekend, his only day off was today until Wednesday.

he seems to have forgot he has a newborn baby you're taking care of alone! I'm going to edge my bets that any "paternity leave" was minimal.

for this year, I'd just try and enjoy the relative peace with your baby but I'd definitely be discussing this well in advance of next Xmas now you know his intentions. they're his extended family but you and baby are his immediate family and him working all over Xmas will get harder as baby grows up, without him then choosing to leave on his one free day.

I don't think you're unreasonable for wanting to spend more time together at Christmas, and you have a tiny new baby. It would have been nice to prioritize his limited time off for your new family, I think just the mass and drinks would have been a good middle ground .Would he have been happy to take you and baby to his Christmas dinner? Or was he also concerned about taking baby around lots of people? I can kind of see how in his position, they are his tie to his culture and home and maybe he sees them like family, so he might see all of you attending his friends thing as the same as how you see attending your family meals too. Did you just see your parents, or was that a large family gathering

He invited me and wanted me to be there and pushed quite hard for it. His friends are in a really small mostly open plan flat though and I couldn't help but think I wouldn't be comfortable feeding/changing baby around so many people in a small space. He thought I was being silly and that in his family babies just go where the parents go but he was understanding when I explained.

You should have gone with him to his friends place. It would have been fine.

You're being weird about the baby

No she's not, it's a 3 week old, they are vulnerable at that age. She was being sensible.

I understand how you felt that way, with such a little baby. You are probably still learning to feed and needing privacy. I guess if he sees them like family, he saw it as family time and wanted to bring you both but I totally see why you don't feel up for it at this stage. It would have been nice for him to have spent more time with you, hopefully you have some more family time in the next couple of weeks and by next year things will be much easier.

With such a tiny baby and it being your first you must be absolutely strung out with exhaustion. I remember watching the clock and waiting for DH to walk in just for some relief from the overwhelming onslaught of it all.

He will also be exhausted. Kitchen work at this time of year on top of the socialising. I do see why this time connecting with his friends is so important to him.

It can be a dangerous time for couples. The competitive tiredness and the extra stress. Neither of you are wrong to feel as you do but hopefully you can find time to talk to him when this busy period is over. Tell him you felt abandoned and that things have changed for you. He may see small babies in his home country as easy to fit in with everything you’ve always done but those were not his babies and your lives may be harder living in a big expensive city without family around you.

What are the practicalities of your lives? Will you go back to work? What hours does he normally work? Why are you not married? Do you have any support?

I found things got a little easier after 6 weeks. This is a period for being supportive of each other so I can see why it’s so hard that he’s spent this precious little time he has on himself and not his family but I’d save any big talk until after this festive stint.

We are married. His work schedule varies but often long hours starting mid-dayish working into the evening, he is looking for roles with more sociable hours but not easy in his industry. I will go back to work when baby is 9 months old.

I agree with him, put yourself in his shoes. He asked you to go to the meal with his friends, you chose not to. Things will change though as baby gets older.