I've barely seen DH over Christmas

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My DH is a chef, we have a 3 week old baby boy and he isn't British.
This year DH was working during the day on Christmas Eve and almost all day on Christmas Day but had today off. Traditionally on Boxing Day we travel into London and meet up with his other friends who are from his country too, big meal and all the foods he associates with Christmas. His friends who host it live in a small 2 bed in central London, not spacious as it is.
He got home around 7.30 on Christmas Eve, we had dinner and did the presents from his family, then at 11 he left to go to midnight mass, I'm not catholic, he is "culture catholic/cradle catholic" he had to get a 40 minute cab to the church that does services in his first language. He got home at 3am, as the service ended about 1.20am, then he walked to his friends house with them and had a drink before getting a cab home.
He didn't wake up until 9am, knew he had work at 11. We finished the gift exchange and he ran off. I went to my parents so the day was fine, when he got home he was tired so didn't even acknowledge our son.
Today we were meant to spend the day together before he went to his friends in the evening, I was invited to the meal but decided not to go as its a tiny flat and lots of people to have around a new baby. I did ask if he would skip it this year as I'd barely seen him, he said no this is his Christmas.
Then instead of actually spending the day with baby or I, he was in the kitchen making food for his meal tonight, when I asked if I could help at all he told me no. Then dinner doesn't usually start until late with his friends but he left at 4pm to help them set up. He likely won't be home until well into the early hours.

AIBU to be annoyed we haven't spent anytime together and to wonder how this will work in future years if he isn't willing to make any adjustments for our family?

A 3 week old baby. Good grief, have you forgotten how hard that stage is? Recovering from the birth, getting feeding working, awake all hours, hormones crashing. He counts too but by God this is not the moment to centre his feelings of homesickness.

maybe he feels pressure to earn money and get the double pay or extra pay over Christmas? Is that how he sees his role? Also some men get the idea that the baby only wants their mom, especially if breastfeeding is involved… so don’t let him off on that one.. start expressing and get him involved in baby care.. it’s a huge transition having a new baby in your relationship and parenting

You've got a template there for how he sees your lives shaping up, and it isn't going to change. What happens next depends on whether or not you want to live like that. Personally I wouldn't want a life like that, where the partner is intentionally uninvolved (work and non-work time).
What you do next is important, as it sets out your own template for how you want to live.
Up to you, but if I were you I'd be ending the relationship, though clearly this is going to be tough, with a new baby etc.

I think the compromise is that next year, he doesn’t offer to make and bring food. Had you had that day as a family, you would have felt better. I’m sure as a cook, he likes to contribute what he does best, but that seems the part that could give way most easily, if you don’t decide to go with him next year.

Given how young your baby is, I think he should have skipped mass or his friend's meal this year. If I were his friend, I'd be surprised to see him at the meal, knowing he'd left you and his baby at home. Did he at least bring you back some food?

I think you need to discuss plans further in advance. He's a Dad now and that means some aspects of Christmas and special occasions may need to change. That would be the case even if he was still living in his home country.

It will likely just be the nature of his job as a chef, strikes me as the sort of job people need 24/7 over Christmas.

I think this year with your baby being so tiny, he could and should have skipped his usual traditions as a one off. The open plan space wouldn’t have bothered me as much as the risk of baby contracting flu or similar at this time of year. Much bigger risk when they’re being exposed to lots of new people in a tiny space.

Yes he has moved countries to be with you so wants to maintain some cultural ties which is important and understandable but I do think in this situation, he really should have spent yesterday with you both.

There may also be a cultural aspect involved here as maybe the traditional role is for men to not be too involved in childcare . Have you had conversations about this.? Also going to church does not count as a social outing for someone who practices their religion. Begrudging that is not right . You definitely need to talk about your expectations as he rightly pointed out that is important to him to keep in touch with his own culture and people who share it . You were not excluded from the gathering but chose not to . Again culturally it can be expected to just take babies even newborns everywhere .

You are feeling vulnerable right now but please don't make him feel guilty for his Xmas . He sounds like a very hard working man and he deserves a little break too.

Op I understand why this is difficult for you with such a young baby.

The point is you were supposed to go together on Boxing Day and you pulled out, and he didn’t want to let his friends down at the last minute. They are all he has.

It sounds like he finds Christmas very hard tbh, and I think I would ask him how he feels being away from his own family every year. You saw your own family op, but he doesn’t have anyone.

Next year agree huw Christmas will work with his job. He shouldn’t be going to mass and the Boxing Day event, it should be one or the other so you are able to spend time together. Plan it more carefully. The first year can be a bit like fhis, neither of you are used to having to consider the needs of a baby/child and the adjustments required.

But the reason you didn't see much of each other is more to do with you than him. He could be writing the exact same post about you.

All the reasons he wasn't at home are known factors and what you have been doing for years already. As a chef he will always work over the festive period - that is the nature of his job. As a Catholic he will always go to midnight mass - that is the nature of his religion (please don't split hairs about whether he really believes it unless you want a humdinger of a fight). And as an immigrant, the dinner with his friends is his Xmas dinner with his chosen family - as important as Xmas dinner with your family is to you.

You're the one opting out of spending time with him. You don't want to go to midnight mass and you declined the invite to the dinner. (It's definitely a cultural norm in southern Catholic Europe for very small children to be included in adult festivities so I think everyone would have assumed you'd be there.)

It's your right to opt out, especially this year, of course. But you don't get to be annoyed with him about three immovable and important traditions that you were happy with before this year.

Hopefully next year you'll find a one-year-old more manageable to take to the dinner than a three-week-old - I'm sure his friends will all love meeting your child.

Agree with pp. He is integrating the baby into life which sounds nornal for him. You dont want to yet, this is familiar for me.

Chefs work all the time. He won't be off weekends. Unless he takes a job teaching at a catering college or something, he won't ever work 9-5. But you must know all this? I doubt he has moved countries to change career as well?

Yes next year the tiny vulnerable baby will be a busy toddler and will be either baby-sittable or able to attend the Boxing Day social

This year is probably one of the worst possible for a 'family Xmas' in the context of DH's employment/cultural milieu and OP's health/resilience/vulnerability

This year it seems ok as the baby doesnt understand at all, but the next 2 years id expect a bit more, and after that the DC needs to be the priority. Can he arrange a new years celebration with his friends instead?

Are you expecting the entire friendship group to rearrange their Xmas around a baby?!

He’s right though. He has made huge sacrifices. And you have always done it that way. So you both should have thought of the logistics of it before the baby.

You have an infant and it's high flu and RSV season so you're not going to be going to gatherings of people like you did pre baby for a while. That's reasonable.

He worked most of the time and did his religious holiday. His meal with his friends is his way of connecting with his culture while living in the UK with you. That's reasonable. He is probably a bit homesick.

I think you give him a break this year. Also, you chose to marry a chef who works holidays. You knew this going in.

I agree with this

He has been working and is away from his family.

You have the comfort of your family and living in your home country. He doesn't have that and other than working, the only things he has done for himself are go to midnight mass and the meal with friends. Its not like he has been away on a jolly all Christmas, he has been at work.

I do feel that whilst it has been difficult and different this year, due to baby being so tiny, in future years, when baby is older and then a toddler, it will be easier to have a mix of the 3 of you doing things together and with your family and his friends.

Also, especially whilst baby is so little, you don't have to celebrate on Christmas. Have a special day on his next day off, just the 3 of you.

I very well remember what it’s like with a 3 week old baby…and a husband who works all the hours (trading floor) when I’m 4000 miles away from my family and friends in a rented flat with no support, no help, no clue how hospitals and doctors for pediatric care work, no clue whether any of what I and baby are going through is normal. I was OP, but add on being away from everyone and everything I know. It would have been a breeze if I’d been back in London, mum just down the road, friends in the same time zone to chat with over text or send me flowers or pop by to see me and meet the baby, neighbors cooing when I took her out for a walk, the odd meal cooked for me, someone to come over with a cake or a bag of pastries, a health visitor, a medical system I know and understand - hell, a language that’s my own. So I know what it’s like to know nobody and nothing. At times like that, you need home and your loved ones more than anything. OP is at home. That’s a huge, huge thing which the DH doesn’t have and may never again have. Those newborn times pass quickly. The loss of home never passes, sometimes. The acute stress of a new baby in foreign climes has been forgotten. The chronic grief over not living at home any more - it gets worse, not better (well it depends, some people are fine with it). I’m years and years down the line and I’d give my left arm now for another 3 week old baby!! The homesickness is just as it was back then, if anything it’s worse.

My foreigner DH was a chef when DC was a baby so I get it, but agree with PP that it's important for him to have these traditions at Xmas, especially as you can normally join him any other year probably. I've also been the foreigner abroad and it's such an enormous sacrifice year round, these traditions keep you going.

Cheffing is not very compatible with young kids. I'd suggest he look at corporate canteens in London, weekday hours and better pay.

This was a lot

So they have a 3 week baby and it’s ok for him to piss off because he deserves his time? I honestly feel like the posters on here have so little expectations from fathers.

Op he should have already thought about you and his baby and told his friends weeks ago he wouldn’t be able to make it.

Will your dc learn your dh's home language? Maybe you should too.
He sounds quite resentful he lives here...
Your dc is portable right now. You could have gone with him.

Most friendship groups would be willing to arrange another gathering or change dates if someone's now unavailable due to now having a family. I doubt the hosts will continue doing it on boxing day if they have DC either, events with friends change as people grow up and have families to consider.

He wasn't unavailable though, OP didn't want to join with such a young baby (which is understandable). They're hardly going to postpone a Xmas dinner for weeks!

It's not about having low expectations of fathers, those of us with foreign partners or who have lived abroad just have a different understanding of the situation.

They wouldn’t reschedule it, we aren’t the first to have a baby and the others have just kept going as normal or got a babysitter. I think they feel as first gen immigrants who don’t always go home for Christmas this is as close as they can get to having a “home Christmas”. Many of them work in the hospitality industry or are hair dressers so getting time off over Christmas and New Year isn’t always easy, they tend to find Boxing Day if you work Christmas is the easiest for those in the hospitality industry and for the hairdressers often the salon itself is shut Boxing Day. Then there are the couples with corporate jobs who might need to be back at work between Christmas and new year or early in the new year. Their culture doesn’t really cancel things to accommodate children, they seem to have a belief that children just fit in with life and it’s fine for kids to just fall asleep on someone else’s sofa or be put to bed in someone else’s bed and be woken up to go home at 2/3am.
I don’t know if I’ll ever be truly okay with that. We have the biggest house of everyone but when we offered to host it was shut down as we are further away so for those who do have kids a 10 min cab ride home would turn to a 30-40 min.

It's the same in my DH country. That's why I don't think your DH is totally unreasonable, from his perspective you are choosing to be on your own. I don't think you're unreasonable either. This is just one of those things that happens in cross cultural marriages, sometimes things dont align and you just need to talk it out so next year works out better.

My advice is to plan a really special time for the next day he's off, is he off NYE?