AIBU - upset for husband staying at the pub on Boxing Day when we have 2 young children

[Biosblbay]

So today was very last minute, only found out last night we had been invited to go pub (half hour drive away) I didn’t really want to go as I don’t know these people and knew that I would be the one not drinking and driving home so I would find it a little socially awkward being around people I don’t know not having a drink. Also just been a very manic few weeks hosting on several occasions, lots of travelling to see family (both from broken families that don’t live close by). I am just exhausted. Our children are aged 3 and a baby 5 months. So after my husband had a few beers he decided he was going to stay longer. I have got a bit upset by this as I have always thought Boxing Day to be a family day, I explained this to him but he doesn’t seem to care. He had a night out arranged on Sunday which is fine, it’s been planned in advance, but his excuse for staying out today is that he won’t go out Sunday now. But I am more upset but the fact I have had to drive home with the kids, house is a mess, this wasn’t planned and now I am alone with them on Boxing Day without their dad. This has greatly upset me and I would like to know if I am being unreasonable here by being upset by this. Thank you in advance.

Once this behaviour starts it never gets better only worse. I think some men just don't want a family or to be part of family life. I don't know what the answer is. My ex husband decided ro spend the first year of my DSs life working abroad so desperate was he to avoid the hard work of having a small baby. He didn't consult me he just decided to do this on his own. I had to work full time and bring up DS on my own with the odd weekend visit from him.
Unsurprisingly the marriage didn't last.

@Hdoodleyliterally my life now and has been for some time. Not replied to my messages since 3pm either or answered my calls. Another problem we have. All I want to know is when is he coming home. He doesn’t communicate but before I left the pub earlier he told me he would be home late afternoon, usually when this happens he won’t be coming home until very late

Oh I’m really sorry to hear that. It can really erode your self worth but please don’t let it! If he’s anything like my ex he needs the attention and ego boost of people finding him interesting and laughing with/at him in the pub 😂 I suddenly became introverted and less fun apparently having become a mum! It makes you anxious wondering when they’ll come home and I do think that’s a power play by some partners. When i left my husband he tried to keep going to the pub with the children on his weekends and put one down to sleep on a bench in the bar at 4 years old! I had to go and get them. They don’t know what they’ll lose until it’s gone but you need to explain to him and then give yourself and your children the best life you can x

Thus “trading” of days/drunks is very typucal addict behavior. They aren’t interested in family life or non drinking events. They only pretend to limit themselves “just this holiday event” “ just this weekend” jyst this just that and once they have your agreement in principle they start to negotiate and move the goalposts. They choose the “surprise” event which is closer in time and pretend to trade away the later one but lo and behold when the later date rolls around they will pout and argue until OP gives in and they will promise again to prioritize OP and the kids the following day or some still later date. The promised future family time never comes but the immediate drink gratification is always acceptable.

Please don’t go and collect him. Let him find his own way home.

If he’s ignoring your messages, I’d put my phone on silent and ignore it, if he phones for a lift you won’t know!

How is he going to get home, you obviously can't collect him as you have the kids. Can he afford a taxi.

You're not alone. I am currently sitting in in-laws house in a pitch black bedroom with 4 month old who refuses to sleep and our dog as he'd try and steal any party food that might be lying about.
I came in from baby having nap earlier to "do you mind if..." of course asked in front of everyone so you look like the bad guy for saying know. That's pissed me off for a start. Generally speaking I honestly don't mind if my husband goes out as he does help a lot and do a lot but I have a bad cold/virus at the minute and feel like crap...also none of the other family members going have a small baby/dog being left behind for someone to look after.
I think what upsets me the most is that the family he is with all don't know when to stop i.e we'll only be 1 hour etc etc but it never ever is - in fact they'd said they'd be back by now and aren't. Shocked.

Sounds just like my my ex husband. Selfish bastards.

Good point. Well made.

Oh op, why are you putting up with this shit? Maybe make 2026 the year you stop doing it? It’s not going to get better, he’s selfish.

Yes. You would be right to leave him over this. These poor children—and poor you, too! Always waiting for drunk dad to roll in and sleep it off before his next bout of his real life which is drinking with friends. You all are reduced to support staff as he nurses his hangover then gets antsy to go out again. Your children will soon start the child’s version of the pick me dance, or start hiding their feelings so they don’t get hurt.

My ex's version of this was golf. He couldn't get his butt out of bed before midday to look after his child, but he would be up with bells on at 5am for an early round of golf. I rather stupidly stuck it out for 10 years. It didn't improve, it got worse. Don't be me. Don't stick it out hoping it will improve, because the likelihood is that it won't. They don't have it in themselves to put the needs of their children & partner above their own wants.
Sending hugs x It won't be easy being a single parent of two, but it's better than being a single parent of two kids & one overgrown manbaby x

YANBU. I detest this type of young lad behaviour when you have a young family at home. Priorities all wrong.

I'm assuming he came home.
Op I am often called a cool wife on here so have different perspectives and boundaries to some on here. However I'd be really really pissed off by this.
It sounds like you are too especially as it'd not a one off.

Is he staying home now Sunday has arrived?

Men who are fathers and partners fucking off to the pub and turning their phone off to avoid the nagging wife are low life fuckers. Don't live like that.

You deserve better than this, deep down you know it.

The men in my family used to behave like this back in 70s and early 80 and I was often put to sleep on a pub bench or in the car.

The man is looking at sweet but non verbal children and a whole load of work and responsibilities or a fun time down at the pub drinking his cares away, having a laugh.

When people show you who they are, believe them. He won't change, he knew how you were feeling, he knows how tough a baby and toddler are and how busy christmas has been. He made a selfish choice. If this was a one off, or if he'd had a super busy year and been mega dedicated and needed to blow off steam, fair enough, but it's not is it.... I couldn't cope being married to someone who looks at any invite/option/chore/task and thinks of himself first and foremost, marriage means being a team, you think about each other and how you make things work for both of you, it means sometimes sacrificing what you want for your partner, or compromising and he clearly hasn't grasped that.

And it never will. A common reoccurring theme on here usually followed by he is a great dad when here/sober/not gaming (other activities/pastimes available)

YABU to use the term “broken family”.

OP, I’ve been married for over 30 years, brought up two DC, and my DH never did this.

Neither did my DF, FIL, DB, BIL - or any bloke I know.

I don’t know a single man who disappears on Boxing Day. Every single man I know is doing family visits or is hosting family on Boxing Day.

@VickyEadieofThigh

I heard people speak like that when I visited with a friend "up north".

I found it quite endearing.

The British Isles is full of all kinds of different accents. I love it.

OP, I can feel your frustration. Your husband is acting like a single man.

I also feel Boxing Day is a family day, it’s a shame he stayed. I have to say I would have declined an invite to a pub with two young children.
i would be hesitant over having any more children with him, it doesn’t bode well this is his style and you will only be lumbered with more.

It just feels a shame he preferred a pub over his family.

I would recommend not to collect him and leave him to work his own way home. Maybe have a gin yourself at home, oh dear you cannot drive.