Over stimulation or Christmas ruined by overcommercialised, high expectation December?

[Didyoujust]

There are so many posts this year about awful Christmas Days. Arguments. Meltdowns. Short tempers. Dislike of gifts. Dislike and intolerance of others. Making exceptions for teens (they don't have to join in).

Are we misdiagnosing the problem?

December has become the main event. Weeks of activities, experiences, pressure and expectation, mostly driven by adults. We do more and more, expect more and more, and then act surprised when tolerance is gone.

By Christmas Day, many children are not overstimulated. They are tired, just tired and worn out. And many adults are too. Short tempered. Less patient. Less able to meet their children’s needs because their own capacity has already been used up.

Christmas Day now feels like the end of Christmas, not the heart of it. We have spent all the energy getting there.

So when we ask why the joy is missing, it might be worth asking whether we exhausted it ourselves.

Should we re-evaluate and scale back December?

I agree, I think this is due to the focus shifting to the 'build up' and for many people, it being all over on Christmas Day (see threads about decorations coming down on Christmas/Boxing Day).

It may be that I have rose-tinted nostalgia, but I'm sure it usen't to be like this 40/50 years ago in my childhood. I remember Christmas lasting right through till past the new year. Putting your tree up 'early' in those days would be putting it up on 1 December where that seems fairly standard nowadays.

I never start threads on here but was just about to because I am so sad to read thread after thread of women having had a terrible Christmas Day almost exclusively because of their husband or partner. I get that the pressure for a perfect day can lead to disappointment but so much of what I have read is abusive or borderline abusive.

My only wish is that these women use this as a catalyst for change and remove themselves (and, crucially, their children) from these homes for next year. Children should not have to be cold because their arsehole of a father has taken the thermostat away as punishment to their mother.

I don’t think it can be attributed to the general madness of Christmas. I think it is down to so many women living in appalling relationships and their children suffering as a result.

The build up is driven by shopping imv-the longer they can advertise and push products the more money will be spent

I was thinking this too. It's been weeks of eating too much, drinking too much, parties, work socials, not enough sleep, stressing about presents, stressing about hosting duties, writing and posting Christmas cards, baking and feeding the Christmas cakes, debating whether or not to have turkey which everyone hates or beef which isn't traditional ... I could go on! It was a relief to wake up this morning and realise it's all over for another year!

I understand your point here and think we have to be really careful to label who is at fault properly to avoid adding to any guilt for the people who are already suffering and struggling - I think it is down to so many men treating their families (partners and children) appallingly (abusively).

I get exhausted listening to all the things some people do in December. Social media definitely doesn't help.

I can remember being a child at Christmas and getting absolutely "whipped up" (not sure how else to describe it) with excitement at Christmas and the problem was that reality always fell short. I wasn't even a particularly difficult or tantrummy child but remember getting these emotional crashes around that time of year.

Even in my adulthood I've suffered really badly with January blues and seen other adults in tears the first day or so back at work after Christmas. It prompted me to do a lot of soul searching.

We've really scaled back in some ways during December. I try to keep the weekends a bit quieter as they do so many Christmas activities at school. I don't go all out for Christmas dinner anymore, keep it like a roast with a few extras. We spread the festive activities up to New Year's day so as not to make it all about the build up because I don't think that's healthy.

I suppose I live a fairly quiet life as I had a fairly peaceful run up to Christmas, but then I don’t buy into all the hype and advertising of all the things we are supposed to do for Christmas! I actually enjoyed making some mince pies, a Christmas cake, because I wanted to. Last Christmas I had a pretty serious mental health issue and didn’t want to do anything so it was lovely to feel I wanted to cook again. Just the things I know my family enjoy. We had a lovely day yesterday with two daughters, and the third is visiting today with her partner and their 4 week old baby, my first grandchild. Perfect !

I agree, my children are older teens and I don’t remember Christmas being this pressurised when they were younger. We did Father Christmas but it was quite a simple and nice visit not a massive experience which has doubled in price. I think putting Christmas trees up in November too much and takes the shine the off Christmas. It becomes a two month build up which is a sixth of the year. It should be a shorter special period. I think it is looking at what makes you happy, which for me is a relaxing day with family, some games and a nice meal and focusing on that and ditching other things.

I’m shocked at some of the posts about taking the thermostat and temper tantrums, that is abusive and my heart goes out to the families experiencing this. I think Christmas amplifies what is happening anyway but with fewer safety valves.

Yes the lead-up seems to get longer each year.

We live Down Under, so it is also end of the school year and everything that comes with that on top of Christmas. December is absolute madness.

I got sucked into all the December events when my kids were little and burnt myself out. I now forward plan very little in December, and am back to enjoying the ‘main event’ from Christmas to after New Year.

I think you are right. I feel like so much of our culture nowadays is built around looking forward to the next thing and getting ready for that ( and all the spending that comes with it), rather than just being in and enjoying the present moment.

My son’s birthday is at the end of November and there were already loads of Christmas events going on near us on his birthday and places decked out for Christmas already. There is a lot of pressure and expectation to provide children with a full roster of Christmas-themed events throughout December- lights shows, Christmas markets, ice skating, fun fairs, crafts, Santa ‘experiences’ - non longer just popping in the a little make-shift grotto in a shopping centre. It can be exhausting and stressful. We’ve not done the whole hog this year as my eldest is still only just 3 and doesn’t expect too much, but I think next year he will be much more aware of just how much is going on and will notice if we miss anything.

And I’m sure when we venture out today on this , the second day of Christmas, we will see a fair few discarded Christmas trees already awaiting collection by the council refuse department. Whenever I hear from people who take the tree down early, it’s always the same reason ‘I’m sick of it all now, want to get the house back to normal ready for new year’ - again, all the looking forward again. My social media is already full of ‘new year, new me’ adverts for meal planning services, workout apps, etc etc.

My partner is Spanish and we are heading there in a couple of days. Christmas will still be in full swing - and there this means families relaxing and spending time together, decorations still up, good food being consumed. It only ends after Epiphany on 6th January and the visit of the three kings. I really love that we have the chance to fully experience the twelve days there as here I feel like an oddball when we keep the decorations up and keep our Christmas jumpers on past this week.

That thread involving the thermostat is particularly heart-breaking.

I think social media has ramped it up in the past 10-15 years... things like Elf on the Shelf, winter wonderlands, Christmas Eve boxes adding on to older traditions. As the demand has gone up, the need to plan in advance goes up, so it escapes December and leeches further back into the autumn.

You don't have to do everything. Pick and choose what is meaningful to you.

This year I've enjoyed the DCs being older. Their expectactations are pretty realistic and they're happy to have had their short lists fulfilled, and they understand the value of them. They don't appreciate additional fluff, so there's no point in adding to the load of buying it in. We normally did one Christmassy activity/ day out, but they've outgrown that. I've enjoyed a carol service. I have some family/ friend visits to look forwards to still. We don't buy presents for adults in extended family because it quickly turns into tokenism- DH realised this the year of the mutual wine swap with his siblings. That takes a lot of pressure off. We're fortunate not to feel bound to a rigid set of routines that must be replicated every single year.

Do what adds (emotional) value, not just because other people do it.

My dc have a similar Christmas to the one I had. They get excited when they finish school & then get really excited on Christmas Eve.

They see Santa in the days just before eg 22nd, we went to the cinema to watch a Christmas movie on the 24th and we are off to panto on Sunday. Why would you do any of that stuff in November.

I agree the build up can be horrendous. My primary school age childrens old school started the Christmas build up and show practices in mid November. Then the church show was over 3 mornings in mid December depending on the age group (anyone with 2 or more kids had to take a minimum of 2 mornings off to watch it). The kids absolutely hated it and 2 of mine refused to take part in the show because of it. They were tearful and overwhelmed by how much was being demanded of them as were many other kids. There current school keeps it all so low key and they have enjoyed it all. The show was simple and all years were at the same time. The kids loved it.

We dont do huge amounts in December. We did visit santa and an inflatable place but other than that we keep life fairly normal. Christmas dinner is a chilled affair and the kids can have what they want to eat rather than being expected to sit for ages over a meal they dont enjoy. Dh has been told given I ensure the Christmas magic happens that I expect a nice gift like my favourite perfume which I always get along with other nice gifts. I think the pressure to have a insta perfect Christmas is ridiculous. My tree will be up till early jan.

Yes you are absolutely right - the build up is so frenetic and extended that everyone is wrung out and exhausted by Christmas Day- adults and children alike. I purposely didn’t book any “Christmas experiences “ in the run up this year as there was already so much going on with community events, Christmas fayre and parties at cubs etc

Thank you for those commenting. A more common view than I thought. Agreeing with so many threads not only about selfish men (not in my house, brought up with expectations to join in hosting, with games, to Christmas shop, , to cook with us and clear up), but kids/teens allowed to opt out.

My Christmas Day was great, but not perfect. When would it ever be?

We didn't have a stressful build up, tree as only been up a few days, produce bought locally with a nice walk to the butcher/greengrocer but importantly with a quiet coffee and mince pie in a cafe before walking home.

The slight ‘disappointments’ we all handled really well. (in fact, even the downpour of water through a leaking pipe…was managed well). No melt downs!
We are looking forward to a quiet day of left overs and a few days to play games, sit around the fire, read, watch films. The joy!

It would be interesting to have another view, someone who has gone all out in December and managed a brilliant, calm day yesterday. How did they do that?

I don’t do a huge run up. When the kids were little we’d do a visit to Santa in a local garden centre and a Santa steam train. Now we do a Panto and a Christmas market/lights. My Christmas shopping happens in December, the tree goes up mid-December. I’m not starting Christmas in October.

The time from Christmas Eve until New Year’s Day is holiday time, we rest, see family and friends, bake and cook nice food. We have time to do it because nobody is at school or work, so can spend time together playing games, watching movies and doing crafts. It’s low key, family oriented and lasts for 8-10 days or so, not crammed into a month when everyone is working, knackered and full of the cold.

One thing that stuck me yesterday was all the pictures on social media of children opening their gifts. It can't just be a quiet family day of gifts and nice food anymore, it has to be a big performance for social media. Leave the poor children to open their presents in peace without having to perform for the camera so parents can brag on social media as to how happy their children are because, newsflash, they probably aren't with the phone constantly stuck in their face recording every reaction to every gift.

A few years ago it was just pictures of piles of presents beneath the tree but now it's escalated to this.

@Liverpool52 & yet I didnt see any because I don’t use those sites. You are the audience.

My 85 year old Mum is baffled by it. She talks about a time when you prepared for Christmas on Christmas Eve, had a fantastic Christmas Day with luxuries like chocolates, Christmas pudding and turkey, had Boxing Day to recover then went back to work the day after, and that was it. Apparently when we were very small they put the tree and decorations up after we had gone to bed on Christmas Eve because it added to the excitement when we woke up on Christmas Day.

It breaks my heart to read some of the posts about ungrateful husbands and family dramas. I know that won't be a new thing but maybe we have all just lost the plot a bit and are chasing a reality that is not achievable.

We never did many activities leading up to Christmas- after all kids are in school til just before. Maybe a trip to a Christmas village/market, a carol service (usually by the school) and of course the ritual of getting the tree. A few Christmas specials on the TV. During the week off we might go ice skating and visit a few relatives.
But I guess if people do Dec 1 boxes, Elf on the shelf, visit Santa, a pantomime etc then yes they are putting a lot of pressure on themselves. Christmas is a lot of work - that magic we remember from our childhood was our parents working hard to make it so!

I think that’s fair comment @LoveBeingAMum555 if things are usually chaotic or stressed at home, if he’s usually an arse hole, abusive or controlling things aren’t suddenly going to be perfect because it’s Christmas. If anything the increased financial pressures and busyness is going to heighten pre-existing behaviours. And who decides what perfect is anyway.

I was just having this discussion with my DH. All these new ‘traditions’ put me off Christmas. Elf on the shelf leaves me feeling dead inside. I grew up in the 90s and would do one Christmassy outing - visiting Santa or carols and that’s it. We’d also bake on Xmas eve. Apart from that it was just presents and a meal. Can’t stand all this insane commercialism, it really puts me off Xmas.