To think my DH is rude regarding gifts?

[Lookingforadvicep]

DH is incredibly hard to buy gifts for. He’s very, very high earning, always buying himself nice things, has no hobbies outside of work and is incredibly picky regarding clothing/brands/quality and just generally very particular. He also hates ‘tat’ and clutter. This has led to years of me racking my brains for gift ideas for not only myself, but all of his and my family who come to me complaining and asking for ideas.

DH never gives any indication of anything he would like, and will never give anyone any ideas when asked. This means he ends up getting some fairly uninspiring gifts.

Both of our families are nowhere near as well off as we are, and therefore would really like some idea on what to spend their money on for him, rather than buying tat. But as he doesn’t provide any ideas, people tend to fall on fairly boring gifts eg. Specific quality tea bags he likes, quality socks, quality chocolates that he likes - all of which cost our families a fair amount of money.

However I believe DH is SO ungrateful! Family will visit over the coming days and I can guarantee said gifts will all be left in a small pile, all unopened when they arrive. The tea will not be opened or used, socks will not be unpackaged, chocolates unopened and not tasted, alcohol left untouched. And they would stay like this for weeks if I didn’t move them. Even our DD’s gifts for him will be left untouched - surely everyone makes a big song and dance about trying their gifts from a toddler child in order to make them feel good?!

Just something that always winds me up about DH, and not sure if I’m just BU to expect him to show some gratitude and use his gifts/try them out fairly promptly?

Accepting gifts is a social skill. Is he socially adept in other ways? (It’s got nothing to do with what you are given; once you have accepted the gift you can do what you like with it.) Does he generally invest in these relationships?

TBH, if it was bothering me that much I’d just put them away where they need to be. I hate it when people say you should be grateful, when he probably doesn’t want it in the first place. He can buy whatever he needs.

I wouldn’t be impressed! I like what I like, if you can’t afford it don’t buy me crap, I’ll prefer to go without!

I guess it's like saying what do you buy someone who has everything. Perhaps the gift givers donate a sum to a charity. Tell him upfront, relatives/friends have no idea what to buy and he doesn't give any indication of what he wants so they'll donate to charity instead.

As much as the charities will benefit, it might make him appreciate gifts that are given when he doesn't have anything to open.

if I were you I’d tell him to have some manners and open his gifts and thank each person. And I wouldn’t let it go

After 20 years together my family and I have stopped trying with DH gifts. He is similar. He now gets nothing to a very small thing. My mum bought him a regular set of socks. I got him a bottle of olive oil he wanted. Of course not a cheap one. When we were first together I tried to get him a pile of things. He really doesn't want or appreciate it.
What he does like is a nice Christmas meal, so the money goes into the joint of meat instead.
You can't change him, just your reaction to it.

Could they all club together and get him something decent , tickets to a comedian / band , an experience , clay pigeon shooting , off road driving ?

I would just tell him there's no gift for him as everyone is saving up to club together and buy him a Ferrari. Just say this every Christmas and Birthday. The man's a prick.

Ask them to donate to charities instead as a gift

He’s socially adept and his job is very much based on this. But he’s generally quite a negative person.

The thing is, he’ll say all season “oh just don’t get me anything” but then make digs about how people don’t bother with him and quietly sulk if they get him nothing.

Does your DH mind this?

Charity donations are the answer. But if he’s genuinely socially adept with family in other ways, and he’s still behaving like this (especially when his own children buy him presents) it suggests he’s being deliberately nasty. Is he pleasant and warm with the family when gifts aren’t involved? Does he put effort into your present?

How does he act when he's given the gift?

If he acts well and isn't rude - says thank you etc - the he's no different to the many, many posters on here yesterday giving out about their terrible gift or informing us they put a gift on Vinted already.

I mean it's a spoit brat way to be but if no one is prepared to just not get him anything (as told to) and tell him why when he sulks, not can (possibly) change.

I think I would gently be pushing back that this is a him problem.

Sulking that he got what he asked for is really shitty.

They won’t have lots of budget to spend on him, and his selfish desire to get the lion’s share of their available spend shows something deeply unpleasant in his character.

Is sulking a regular feature when he doesn’t get his own way, and is this just the tip of the iceberg?

^ 🤣

One of the very many reasons I left my ex H was because he was so fucking ungrateful when given gifts. He would put on the charm to my family and bitch behind their backs but when opening presents from his (very skint) family he would act like a petulant child. He was also a reasonably high earner and felt everyone should pull their finger out. He would also get very shitty if a gift he was given wasn’t immediately given absolute praise.

thankfully he’s someone else’s problem now 🤣

All very well not opening families gifts, suggesting charity donations etc, all brilliant ideas, but not opening the gift from your dd, is not acceptable. Its rude and upsetting for her, mostly it teaching her shes not worth the bother! Just sounds a total arse whole. No amount of money can buy manners or respect for your child!!!

My DH is also high-earning, buys himself things he wants/needs when he needs them, and hates tat/clutter. He has hobbies, but he already has all the gear he needs for them. After many years of trying and failing to buy him thoughtful gifts, I gave up a long time ago.

However, unlike your husband, my DH is entirely happy getting no presents - and has been very clear with our daughters that they aren’t to waste their money buying him things he won’t use. I would find it very unattractive if he refused to give any indication of things to get for him and then spent Christmas sulking.

My partner wouldn't really care if he got a present or not. But he buys gifts and is (now) very good at looking pleased and being thankful for gifts he gets. I think your husband should make more effort frankly. Otherwise he just comes over as a self centered egotist.

what a twat! My DP doesn’t like family buying him stuff, they all have less money than us and he hates people buying him stuff for the sake of it. He’d truly be happy if no one got him anything.

Mine is exactly the same. I occasionally come across things he likes but if I don’t see anything I think he’ll genuinely love I just don’t bother.

Well quite honestly I'd just take him at his word and just let him sulk. Why pander to him?

He sounds a thoroughly selfish ill mannered entitled man if he doesn't appreciate people buying him presents

You and the other people whose presents he disdains should donate the money to a homeless charity or something similar. To a cause that would actually appreciate it.

If you generally like him, I’d have a conversation asking him what he’d have actually liked to be given for Christmas. Sometimes when people are impossible, they genuinely don’t realise it until you show them.

YANBU, he's being very rude. It's not hard to say thank you in a nice way and at least put things away in the proper places.

I think after Christmas you should say to your DH that you're going to tell your family not to buy him gifts next year, as it's wasting their money and not making him happy. Then you can tell your parents that DH would be happier if they spent their money on a donation to charity instead. You can suggest to your DH that he advise his family to do the same.