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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my DH is rude regarding gifts?

92 replies

Lookingforadvicep · 26/12/2025 06:25

DH is incredibly hard to buy gifts for. He’s very, very high earning, always buying himself nice things, has no hobbies outside of work and is incredibly picky regarding clothing/brands/quality and just generally very particular. He also hates ‘tat’ and clutter. This has led to years of me racking my brains for gift ideas for not only myself, but all of his and my family who come to me complaining and asking for ideas.

DH never gives any indication of anything he would like, and will never give anyone any ideas when asked. This means he ends up getting some fairly uninspiring gifts.

Both of our families are nowhere near as well off as we are, and therefore would really like some idea on what to spend their money on for him, rather than buying tat. But as he doesn’t provide any ideas, people tend to fall on fairly boring gifts eg. Specific quality tea bags he likes, quality socks, quality chocolates that he likes - all of which cost our families a fair amount of money.

However I believe DH is SO ungrateful! Family will visit over the coming days and I can guarantee said gifts will all be left in a small pile, all unopened when they arrive. The tea will not be opened or used, socks will not be unpackaged, chocolates unopened and not tasted, alcohol left untouched. And they would stay like this for weeks if I didn’t move them. Even our DD’s gifts for him will be left untouched - surely everyone makes a big song and dance about trying their gifts from a toddler child in order to make them feel good?!

Just something that always winds me up about DH, and not sure if I’m just BU to expect him to show some gratitude and use his gifts/try them out fairly promptly?

OP posts:
Everythingwillbeokay · 26/12/2025 09:10

Oh, no I don't think that's rude. Nobody in my family (except kids) would e.g. try on socks, or eat chocolates, or taste alcohol. I think that would look quite weird and a little rude, like it's not a special gift but just part of Christmas consumption? Piles also stay intact until the 27th / 28th when family leave.

DeathStare · 26/12/2025 09:10

DeepBlueDeer · 26/12/2025 08:54

Weird, I genuinely didn't know there was an expectation to try/use gifts received so immediately after receipt - particularly at a time of year where there can be an excess of stuff or, say, it's an established favorite.

Surely "I haven't had a chance to it yet but I'm really looking to it, and will report back" or something would be a perfectly polite and grateful response?

Show quote history

Me neither. I've rarely used a present straight away and have rarely seen anyone use a present straight away except a child. The idea that there's a timeline within which I have to use my new socks or my toiletries or I'm considered rude is baffling.

If I ask someone a week or so later if they liked their present, I wouldn't expect them to necessarily have opened it yet. Though to be honest I'd never ask as that just seems to be a not so subtle hint that you think the recipient didn't do a big enough performance of gratitude

MCF86 · 26/12/2025 09:14

agreed- I think it's far ruder to ask about a gift you've given than it is not to have used it immediately!

FletchFan · 26/12/2025 09:31

Everythingwillbeokay · 26/12/2025 09:10

Oh, no I don't think that's rude. Nobody in my family (except kids) would e.g. try on socks, or eat chocolates, or taste alcohol. I think that would look quite weird and a little rude, like it's not a special gift but just part of Christmas consumption? Piles also stay intact until the 27th / 28th when family leave.

Yea I thought the same. Didn't really see the problem with this.

FletchFan · 26/12/2025 09:32

DeepBlueDeer · 26/12/2025 08:00

Tbf, if people got me tea/alcohol/chocolate that I liked, I'd absolutelt be grateful to receive them but I wouldn't necessarily want to get stuck into them on Christmas Day itself, nor the days immediately following (which are generally pretty full of treats, as is). His behavior sounds pretty normal, to me?

Ditto, even if I loved them, I wouldn't be immediately rushing to wear all of my new socks.

I had an amusing image of Joey from friends then, putting all the socks and every item of clothing he received for Christmas on at once 🤣.

Ocelotfeet27 · 26/12/2025 09:33

Could you just get everyone to contribute to one big present instead? Or would he not like that anyway?

HipHopDontYouStop · 26/12/2025 09:37

He is really ungracious. It’s not an attractive trait. it’s actually an ugly flaw.

It’s like he’s making people have to guess what to buy him. And then is rude or even uninterested in what he receives.

I just wouldn’t buy him anything. And I would advise family members not to bother either. And when he complains, tell him why.

It just sounds like nasty little power trip to demonstrate his ‘superiority.’

Moretwirlsandswirls · 26/12/2025 09:37

I never try stuff on etc… I am a creature of habit and love my old things. I am also a bit “saving things for best” person! I am super grateful though but I have still have gorgeous socks from last year in my drawer…..

HoppityBun · 26/12/2025 09:38

I think that this might genuinely be a circumstance where those gifts to charities might be a good idea. He doesn’t need or want anything so perhaps on his behalf, meals for the homeless can be bought, acres of woodland preserved and starving animals can be fed.

Itwasallyellow2 · 26/12/2025 09:43

He lacks grace OP and that is very poor indeed. Being gracious is perhaps one of the most desirable personality traits as it makes people feel comfortable in your presence. I would imagine he doesn’t have many friends or people truly wanting to be in his company so when he no longer works he will actually have very little of substance and meaning in his life.

sittingonabeach · 26/12/2025 09:44

So he likes splashing the cash and being seen to do so.

At the very least he should show some gratitude/interest especially to presents from DC.

What does he do when he is not working?

What about a gift for a family day out?

CarefullyCuratedFurniture · 26/12/2025 09:44

Suggesting more appropriate presents isn't really solving the problem. He's just a fundamentally unhappy person, and he's making you all unhappy to be around him. I would stop trying to think of more and more special presents for him, and take it back to basics. A pair of socks and a bar of Dairy Milk. He doesn't like anything, so does it really matter? Or the charity suggestion is a good one.

But, TELL HIM. He is rude, he is ungrateful and you've had it with pandering to his superiority complex.

Purlant · 26/12/2025 09:48

Does he not thank people when they give him the gift? That’s very rude. I can see why the gifts would sit in a pile though (don’t most people’s?), you’re hardly going to crack open a teabag when you’ve already got some open!

Missj25 · 26/12/2025 09:52

bigboykitty · 26/12/2025 06:46

I would just tell him there's no gift for him as everyone is saving up to club together and buy him a Ferrari. Just say this every Christmas and Birthday. The man's a prick.

🤣🤣🤣

TheOccupier · 26/12/2025 10:07

I don't like getting presents. It's just extra unnecessary stuff at the end of the day. Unwrapping a gift and and saying thanks nicely is sufficient, if you're annoyed he doesn't performatively prance around in his new socks or whatever then YABU.

From now on, tell everyone just to get him food/drink that you like

WhereYouLeftIt · 26/12/2025 10:08

Lookingforadvicep · 26/12/2025 08:34

“Honestly nobody needs to get me any gifts”
”just get me some things you know I like”
”just get me socks and pants”
“tell them to get me nothing”
”I’m not giving suggestions as it’s cheeky”
”get me another one of those t shirts I like”

Then proceeds to ignore his gift pile for as long as possible, quietly opens them when forced and then ignores everything until I put them away.

Show quote history

Then next year, take him at his word - get him nothing. When he queries it, repeat back to him all these things he's said - particularly the 'I'm not giving suggestions' and 'honestly nobody needs to get me any gifts' - and of course point out that he doesn't even open the gifts people do get for him.

It's actually quite selfish of him to behave like this, depriving others of the pleasure of giving.

"He’s very generous with others. Not great with coming up with ideas, but very generous value wise "
This brought the words 'knows the price of everything and the value of nothing' to mind.

If you keep trying to buy him gifts, he's going to keep disparaging them. You need to shock him out of these appalling bad manners. Get him nothing next year. Maybe even hide your family's gifts so that he appears to get absolutely nothing. Make him appreciate the fact that people buy him gifts, by letting him experience how it feels if they don't. It'll be the best present you ever get him.

Missj25 · 26/12/2025 10:09

Lookingforadvicep · 26/12/2025 06:25

DH is incredibly hard to buy gifts for. He’s very, very high earning, always buying himself nice things, has no hobbies outside of work and is incredibly picky regarding clothing/brands/quality and just generally very particular. He also hates ‘tat’ and clutter. This has led to years of me racking my brains for gift ideas for not only myself, but all of his and my family who come to me complaining and asking for ideas.

DH never gives any indication of anything he would like, and will never give anyone any ideas when asked. This means he ends up getting some fairly uninspiring gifts.

Both of our families are nowhere near as well off as we are, and therefore would really like some idea on what to spend their money on for him, rather than buying tat. But as he doesn’t provide any ideas, people tend to fall on fairly boring gifts eg. Specific quality tea bags he likes, quality socks, quality chocolates that he likes - all of which cost our families a fair amount of money.

However I believe DH is SO ungrateful! Family will visit over the coming days and I can guarantee said gifts will all be left in a small pile, all unopened when they arrive. The tea will not be opened or used, socks will not be unpackaged, chocolates unopened and not tasted, alcohol left untouched. And they would stay like this for weeks if I didn’t move them. Even our DD’s gifts for him will be left untouched - surely everyone makes a big song and dance about trying their gifts from a toddler child in order to make them feel good?!

Just something that always winds me up about DH, and not sure if I’m just BU to expect him to show some gratitude and use his gifts/try them out fairly promptly?

Yes .
You make a big song & dance about opening your present you receive from your child .
Why does he do that , not open what he gets from your child ???, what an ass .
That’s just shit behaviour, being honest I don’t think I could have him around me if that’s the carry on .
I was going to suggest gift ideas for him but then I read that bit , Leaving his present unwrapped he gets from his child , & I thought he doesn’t deserve anything .
What he needs is the gift of kindness but I’m afraid that’s not something you can buy ..

Nopersbro · 26/12/2025 10:10

To me it would depend on whether he is being ordinarily polite/appreciative when he receives the gift. If so, I'd just see if you can get him to take his gifts into the bedroom or wherever they'd go before going to bed on Christmas Day. If not, I'd suggest stopping all gift exchanges among adults (his extended family will probably be relieved). Then try to get him to behave regarding the gifts from the children. If he can't or won't, perhaps the children can switch to getting the two of you a joint gift next year, so at least one of you is appreciative?

Blondeshavemorefun · 26/12/2025 10:12

To not open presents and say thank you is just rude

gamerchick · 26/12/2025 10:13

Busyasabumblebee · 26/12/2025 06:36

if I were you I’d tell him to have some manners and open his gifts and thank each person. And I wouldn’t let it go

I'd do exactly that. Especially from the kids. Part of gift giving is the dopamine boost from seeing someone be happy with a gift. It's partly selfish and why would anyone want to deny anyone a bit of dopamine in these strange times?

Then I'd be telling family to get him stuff I would use personally. That way there's no waste.

Or tell everyone to get him socks. Lots ans lots of socks. See if he notices. Make a game of it.

FancyCatSlave · 26/12/2025 10:14

My ex is like this although not high earning any more. He has a small (because he has no friends and his family don’t give a fuck about him) pile of unopened gifts and cards downstairs (we are still living together until house sold). It was just one of many wanker behaviours that I eventually gave up
on.
There are unopened presents from years ago in the cupboard and he won’t ever exchange anything either.

honeyrider · 26/12/2025 10:27

I think someone should give him a book on manners.

TheNameWasOnceChosen · 26/12/2025 10:51

Why are you with a guy who's always so negative? Would do my head in !

HipHopDontYouStop · 26/12/2025 10:53

TheOccupier · 26/12/2025 10:07

I don't like getting presents. It's just extra unnecessary stuff at the end of the day. Unwrapping a gift and and saying thanks nicely is sufficient, if you're annoyed he doesn't performatively prance around in his new socks or whatever then YABU.

From now on, tell everyone just to get him food/drink that you like

Edited

it seems he doesn’t unwrap and say thank you.

Nobody said anything about doing a performative jig.

HipHopDontYouStop · 26/12/2025 10:57

Lookingforadvicep · 26/12/2025 06:52

The thing is, he’ll say all season “oh just don’t get me anything” but then make digs about how people don’t bother with him and quietly sulk if they get him nothing.

Show quote history

You can’t ever win, can you?

And he is making it exactly so you can’t.

ignore. Don’t get him gifts ever. Remind him why not when he complains. And don’t get dragged into a conversation about it.