To think my DH is rude regarding gifts?

[Lookingforadvicep]

DH is incredibly hard to buy gifts for. He’s very, very high earning, always buying himself nice things, has no hobbies outside of work and is incredibly picky regarding clothing/brands/quality and just generally very particular. He also hates ‘tat’ and clutter. This has led to years of me racking my brains for gift ideas for not only myself, but all of his and my family who come to me complaining and asking for ideas.

DH never gives any indication of anything he would like, and will never give anyone any ideas when asked. This means he ends up getting some fairly uninspiring gifts.

Both of our families are nowhere near as well off as we are, and therefore would really like some idea on what to spend their money on for him, rather than buying tat. But as he doesn’t provide any ideas, people tend to fall on fairly boring gifts eg. Specific quality tea bags he likes, quality socks, quality chocolates that he likes - all of which cost our families a fair amount of money.

However I believe DH is SO ungrateful! Family will visit over the coming days and I can guarantee said gifts will all be left in a small pile, all unopened when they arrive. The tea will not be opened or used, socks will not be unpackaged, chocolates unopened and not tasted, alcohol left untouched. And they would stay like this for weeks if I didn’t move them. Even our DD’s gifts for him will be left untouched - surely everyone makes a big song and dance about trying their gifts from a toddler child in order to make them feel good?!

Just something that always winds me up about DH, and not sure if I’m just BU to expect him to show some gratitude and use his gifts/try them out fairly promptly?

Tbf, if people got me tea/alcohol/chocolate that I liked, I'd absolutelt be grateful to receive them but I wouldn't necessarily want to get stuck into them on Christmas Day itself, nor the days immediately following (which are generally pretty full of treats, as is). His behavior sounds pretty normal, to me?

Ditto, even if I loved them, I wouldn't be immediately rushing to wear all of my new socks.

His behaviour is rude and childish. That's what I'd tell him. I'd also tell people he would like a very cheap and simple gift eg. Dairy milk bar.

If he has plenty of money, knows they do not yet is still demanding of gifts and ungrateful, the issue is all his.

Edited: typos

And just brightly respond 'yes darling, just like you suggested nobody bought you anything because there was nothing you wanted', repeated ad nauseam.

Honestly OP he's a rude and passive aggressive arsehole. Stop pandering to him!! Some people value the opportunity to be a martyr more highly than they would value any gift but you don't have to all tiptoe around it. Take him at his word, stop buying gifts, and when he's passive aggressive remind him that he told you not to buy gifts, but that he's more than welcome to make suggestions in advance next year if he feels differently then.

But presumably you would thank people for them and not leave them in little untouched passive aggressive piles instead of putting them away?

Otherwise, if you honestly think his behaviour is normal or polite you should reconsider your own behaviour because you're probably upsetting a lot of people without realising.

Agree with this. Tell him you've suggested it as he never seems to like ir be grateful for his gifts. There must come a point when you already have all the money and stuff you need.

I only said YABU because I think it is unreasonable for toddlers/ young children to be giving gifts to adults. My 3 are young adults and the last few years, as they have had part time jobs, is when they started to buy gifts and even then they are told not to spend more than £20.
It is very liberating to free yourself from Christmas being about presents. I would stick to something really simple for him like a framed family photo or collection of favourite food treats in future. You can just stick them all in kitchen cupboards if he leaves them. My kids often leave their gifts in the lounge for a week or so.

I take it you've talked to him about this? What does he say?

“Honestly nobody needs to get me any gifts”
”just get me some things you know I like”
”just get me socks and pants”
“tell them to get me nothing”
”I’m not giving suggestions as it’s cheeky”
”get me another one of those t shirts I like”

Then proceeds to ignore his gift pile for as long as possible, quietly opens them when forced and then ignores everything until I put them away.

Well yeah he’s an ungrateful prick isn’t he!

Then get him nothing

although actually we leave big piles around and that’s part of the fun - seeing your pile

I don't see the problem - he says to get him nothing, so get him nothing 🤷‍♀️ foisting unwanted gifts on him then being offended that he isn't grateful seems daft. Just get him nothing, then it is problem solved. Donate to a charity in lieu if you really want to, then at least some good comes out of it.

I think that this goes quite deep. He's a man who has everything and nothing.

Can you all agree to stop the exchanging of gifts? It all sounds so stressful and unnecessary.

Yes we do too, but we’d still open our chocolates, have a couple, try on new clothes, put a pair of new socks on, wear a new pair of PJ bottoms that evening etc etc (just examples). DH would leave his entire pile sitting there untouched for a week.

This is very true. He can be quite a negative person generally.

As you have directly asked him and he seems unable to come up with a solution, tell people to give him nothing next year. Tell him that now, so he has a chance to come up with a solution if he disagrees.

Sounds very frustrating!
If he feels cheeky asking for things though, how about suggesting he keeps a list of things he sees/thinks of that he only shares with you- so you have ideas when people ask?

When you say he doesn't unwrap things, do you mean he doesn't take them out of the wrapping paper? Or he doesn't unpacked them?

Not taking them out of the wrapping paper is odd and rude. Not actually opening the box of tea or box of chocolates, or taking the socks out of their packaging there and then (or for several days/weeks to be honest) is perfectly normal and not rude at all.

Just call him out and tell him to stop it and remind him why he didn't get anything.

Does he buy gifts for others?

We unwrap gifts in the morning DH wouldn’t touch his pile unless forced to by one of the DC/me though.

Maybe we think different things are rude then. When my mum asks “did you like your new X DH?” And he’s still not taken it out of the wrapper or tried it a week after he received it, I think it’s super rude.

In that case, he's just a knob basically. Says he doesn't want anything but sulks and makes digs if people take him at his word but if they buy him gifts, he doesn't even open them. Not even the one from his toddler daughter.

Has he got any good points apart from all his money?

Yes he does. He’s very generous with others. Not great with coming up with ideas, but very generous value wise (I just end up sending him ideas for myself and doing the shopping for everybody else).

Of course I'd thank people.

But no, neither my family nor my DPs family would put Christmas presents away promptly after they're unwrapped. They'd usually be put away around the time decorations came down.

Weird, I genuinely didn't know there was an expectation to try/use gifts received so immediately after receipt - particularly at a time of year where there can be an excess of stuff or, say, it's an established favorite.

Surely "I haven't had a chance to it yet but I'm really looking to it, and will report back" or something would be a perfectly polite and grateful response?

Oh so he has no ideas himself, doesn't buy the actual gifts.

Just chucks some money at it and you do it all...

Yet he's a huge critic of others... Charming.

Well he can be reminded that as well, when he complains about any gifts or lack there of!