Is this me or not?

[Horseskeepmesane]

Guest at mil today with my kids and oh and oh’s brother and wife and their kids, all primary age kids. Sil turns up and has brought dessert, cheeses and pate with her,towards the meal, I am shocked as no mention was made to me about contributing at all, I feel really hurt and cut out by this, Aibu?

Most folks would ask if there was something they could bring. This is on you.

Most people would offer, did it never occur to you to ask if you could bring anything?

Did you ask? I’d say it’s good form if someone is hosting to ask if you can bring anything. Having said that, if it’s your MIL your DH really should have had that conversation with his Mum.

It wasn't necessarily all arranged, your SIL might have just thought it would be a nice thing to do. I wasn't asked by my host to bring anything today but brought biscuits and some wine, just to be helpful.

As long as they're not annoyed at you for not contributing I wouldn't let it worry you, and in future you can bring something when they host.

The reason I didn’t bring anything is that I’ve asked before if I can contribute in any way and I always get no for an answer. That’s why I’m confused as to why this happened

Yes put it down to your DH

You and your DH should have asked if your MIL wanted you to bring anything.

Presumably SIL asked, or MIL just felt more comfortable asking her own daughter because they’re used to doing this stuff together. It’s not a big deal. Feeling hurt and cut out is a big overreaction.

I would think it perfectly normal to turn up with some nice additions, I wouldn't even ask. Did you take wine?

Quite likely that SIL was also told no but ignored this and brought things anyway. There’s always room for more cheese and an extra pud. I’d have taken wine, chocs, SOMETHING even if told not to. (I was also at MIL’s today and took wine and bits.)

edit because autocorrect thought I was taking chips.

I always show up with something, even the host has said not to bother. Usually it’s wine and flowers but at Xmas I’d probably go wine and chocs/mince pies/biscuits…
I was brought up that it’s not polite to show up empty handed, so I don’t

Maybe SIL said let me lighten the load and bring x, y and z. I know you asked in the past but did you ask this year?

Your DH should have offered to contribute. You probably aren't expected to contribute as you're a guest.

Yeah you need to ask, and in a way that doesn’t sound begrudging so not ‘do you need me to bring something?’, you say ‘I’d really like to bring something, what would be best?’

I would never dream of turning up empty-handed, whether it’s a family Christmas get together or a dinner party with friends.

And I wouldn’t have to ask or be told either.

It’s stingy and ill mannered to turn up empty handed when invited to any meal in another person’s home, let alone Christmas dinner.
Surely you’d at least take some good wine and chocolates.

Even if they say no don't bring anything, you never turn up at someone's house to be fed, especially on Christmas Day, without taking something.

Drinks, alcoholic or not, mints for after dinner, nice chocolate biscuits. I mean, there's a million things you could've taken.

Do you mean you showed with absolutely nothing? Not even a bottle of wine? I would always bring something even if they say it’s not needed. Preferably something they can keep for a later date if needed.

Are you sure you're hurt, OP?

I'd be embarrassed in your place.

Yeah, turning up empty handed is generally not the done thing.

I wonder if MILs son is worrying like this....

So has the MIL's son come with contributions? Perhaps she felt more comfortable asking her son and not a DIL. Where is your DP? Is he a ex?

Hurt is a weird emotion to feel in this situation.

You don’t ask if you need to contribute because that sounds rude. You ask what you can bring and if told nothing, take drinks and other edibles or flowers.

Surely you didn’t take absolutely nothing at all? If so, I agree that the feeling is probably embarrassment and not hurt. I’d be mortified.

I wonder how many men contribute something when going to their mils for a meal.

You're hurt and feel cut out? Perhaps she just used her iniative and realised food for an entire family doesn't just turn up in the fridge overnight. Yeah it's you.