Is this me or not?

[Horseskeepmesane]

Guest at mil today with my kids and oh and oh’s brother and wife and their kids, all primary age kids. Sil turns up and has brought dessert, cheeses and pate with her,towards the meal, I am shocked as no mention was made to me about contributing at all, I feel really hurt and cut out by this, Aibu?

I would be surprised if it wasn't usual for anyone to bring dishes and I'd probably wonder if MIL had eased up her rules or if SIL had taken it upon herself to bring food but I wouldn't feel hurt or excluded. What's your relationship with the in-laws usually like that you leapt to feeling hurt and cut out by someone else contributing to the meal?

I suspect you are judging based on your family and projecting that to a massive misassumption.

My brother takes huge amounts to his in laws and my DH is always the one who does the shopping for extras before our Christmas trips to family.

And you're judging based on your own experience so it's swings and round abouts really.

I can't imagine turning up at someone's house for Christmas dinner without some sort of contribution. What was your DH thinking?

You have a cheek feeling cut-out when it's your family who has been totally thoughtless towards his mother.

I wasn’t judging, just answering your query which is nothing like swings and roundabouts.

I’m going against the grain here, I get very annoyed when people bring food which needs consuming within a few days, or they expect to be consumed at that meal that wasn’t agreed. I’ve planned the menu, portions etc and don’t want to have loads leftover or throw things out. It also feels rude to send stuff home. Flowers or drinks is fine, eve chocolates tbh I’m fussy about and wouldn’t want unless the knew my tastes.

We never go anywhere empty handed…..

I was always taught that you bring something when invited to someone’s house. Wine, flowers, nice biscuits etc. You know most people will say ‘just bring yourself’ but it’s nice to bring a small gift. This is on you.

my mum never wants me to take anything, but I always used to send a restaurant voucher when they got out and about more. Now i’ll send something via amazon for me mum, though i’ll be hosting in future. Guess your SIL asked, you didn’t. Maybe in the past MIL been able to absorb cost, but cost of living is high. You should offer every year as cost of hosting adds up, plus it’s so much work. Buy her an afternoon tea voucher or something.

It can cost hundreds to host a Christmas dinner. Yes you as a couple should take something. DH should ideally sort it out.

you feeling hurt because you didn’t bother us weird though tbh

Are you seriously saying you didn't take a couple of bottles of wine and some chocolates and flowers? It's just basic good manners.

Please tell me you washed up, helped make coffee and kept all the children entertained for an hour. If not, I imagine your ears must be burning.

Yeah I don’t think OP is coming back lol. I think she just accepts the polite refusals at face value.

I agree, I’d never think of turning up for a dinner without something, Be that wine/sparkling fruit juice, chocs etc or even a home made layered fruit bowl - it’s just good manners and this goes for the OH as well as OP.

Is your sister in law pushier? It may be that she was also told not to bring anything but insisted and your mil gave in.

What is the shocking or confusing part?

You weren't asked to take anything , you didn't ask if anything was needed so took nothing

SIL did something different.

I know we're all different but I'd be embarrassed and feel very awkward if a guest gave me a voucher for hosting them. No one has to pay for their plate in my house and Id be very uncomfortable to receive anything other than gifts for the table on the day

I would be embarrassed to have a DH who didn't sort this prior to a visit to his mum. At least he needs a convo with op about it. (Especially if she is habitually treated as an outsider.)

Tell your DH he needs to be on top of this in future.

I guess you need to know your audience. My parents never treated themselves to a nice meal, and really enjoyed going for a nice meal in January. It was always posted afterwards, not given during the meal. They appreciated it.

Yes she is much more forward than me, also we did bring things with us chocolates, a plant, gifts from kids. I think it’s me who has misread this situation, my fault

So your brother in law showed up with food and your husband didn’t?

don’t see how the wives come into it.

No my husbands brothers wife turned up having made desserts, cheese etc, aparrently she just told mil she was doing it she didn’t get asked to.

MIL/FIL have raised 2 lazy fuckers

I didn't have a query. They commented based on their experience, and you called them out for it, ironically based on yours. Which is exactly swings and round abouts.

Calm down

In my family, everyone brings something - it's not asked it's just what we do. I do see it as good manners to bring something even if they said not to worry. My husband's family come to us and they don't bring anything. You said you have children so you've been together a while? What usually happens for meals?

You're over thinking it OP. Don't worry about it. It's done now. If I was hosting I wouldn't expect anyone to bring anything or if I wanted them to I'd tell them what to bring.