Xmas is just not the same with teenage DC- feeling sorry for myself self

[Whitegrenache]

I am Probabky going to be told IABU, however it has hit me tonight how much less I am enjoying Xmas now that DC are older. I’m aware I’m probably feeling sorry for myself!

i have done everything for Xmas as usual food presents decorations etc all whilst working full time in a job which is full on and feel a bit sad and resentful

I had a massive fall out with DP last week as he doesn’t want me to invite my (D) brother to Xmas day (along with my parents) but I felt guilty as mum asked if he could come as he would have otherwise been alone, and I felt put on the spot and couldn’t say no.
DP refuses to stay at home for dinner and is now going to his mothers for day leaving me with my family and DC to cook for and somehow trying to explain to them why he isn’t there

DD 19 has gone out with her mates tonight which she is perfectly entitled to do.
DD 16 is on his Xbox in his room
DP and I have sat on the sofa watching TV all night

I can’t help feeling sad that my Christmases are going to be different from now on and I need to accept it.

any advice from others in a similar situation to adjust so I can be better prepared for next year?

That sounds really shit

Christmas with teenagers can still be wonderful, but it sounds to me like your DP and DB are a much bigger issue here anyway? Why is it such a big deal to your DP that your DB is coming?

My DB is an ex addict and is not great socially. We don’t see him very often but my mam wants everyone to get along and play happy families.
I don’t particularly want him here either but I’m trying to please my mam and dad.
DP says he can’t stand him and I’m being selfish for having him come for Xmas day. I explained I feel like I am caught in the middle and trying to keep everyone happy.

He won’t do anything awful just doesn’t know how to act with regards to manners or conversation.

Does your DP live with you?

Like he will turn up tomorrow empty handed and won’t do anything to help. He will make an effort to talk to everyone but may make snide comments

DP and I are parents to both kids and yes together 23 years lived together 22

Like a marriage tbf

Your DP is fucking off and not having Christmas dinner with you and his own children?

You’re supposed to be a team!

I think the issue you have is mostly a dp problem. Your brother is coming this year, not ideally what you would choose but I think it’s fair to give him a chance. If it’s bad say no in future years.
its one day, I think your dp needs to be an adult and spend the day supporting you and being with his kids.
Christmas is different with teens but not necessarily a disaster. Things change. For better and worse. Hopefully one day you’ll end up with grandchildren then you can revisit the scenario from an entirely different perspective different perspective!

Yes exactly

DP thinks I should have discussed having DB here and should not have made any decisions without consulting him as it’s his house too.

im trying to be reasonable and stuck in the middle totally

DC are fabulous btw just totally normal kids with hearts of gold and I wouldn’t want them not to enjoy their life’s as they mature into young adults

It doesn’t sound like the teens are an issue in all honesty, it’s the obligation from your parents and your partners response to that. To absent himself completely is unfair - you’re supposed to be a team.

My two are teens and Christmas definitely has a different vibe to the early years, but they’re also more able to muck in and help, they’re more appreciative that Christmas doesn’t just happen and more able to reciprocate. My DD14 is so excited to give me her gift because “I got you something extra special because you work so hard for us”. They may not believe in Santa and magic, but they’re still good fun. Maybe rethink your idea of what Christmas is and how you include your teens in that.

I don’t see why you’re focusing on Christmas not being the same with teenagers when the issue is clearly your DH and your DB.

Your DP doesn't sound very nice, sorry. You are bending over backwards to make everyone happy at Christmas and he is not supporting you. Perhaps you should indeed have discussed having your DB over with him but his reaction is petty, mean and manipulative.
I think the DC being teenagers is a red herring though perhaps you are nostalgic for a time when all the focus was on them and the dynamics were easier?

I’m really sorry OP. It doesn’t sound easy, and it’s one thing for DP to be frustrated about it, pissed off even, but you grin and bear these things sometimes and support the person you love because it’s hard for them too.

We are an odd blended family and it’s not easy, my kids spent all night in their rooms too. But if we’re not in it together what’s the point.

Perhaps you should/could have talked to DP first and maybe you can say that next time you will, and wish you had. But it’s not like you’ve just gone on and done what you wanted regardless, you’ve tried to deal with something difficult. Can’t DP support you and then do a collective sigh of relief when you shut the door after everyone leaves and relax together after that?

Sorry but I'm with your husband. It's his house too and you should have discussed it at least especially as others have said 'you're a team'. Why is it your decision. Doesn't sound like a nice xmas for him.

Honestly I've dealt with difficult family dynamics and I think it's such a problem when people with issues that cause stress like your db are prioritised, your Dp has a right to say he doesn't want him there and you've ignored him.

I've been in that position and it's shit

I think you’re all right. I’m focusing on the wrong thing here

Please your partner not your mum and dad, its your partners home.

My bil is same. But he lives with pil so I wouldn't not ask him. Dh can't stand him. Tmw will be awkward

You have all shared some very valid points and are all appreciated

I like Christmas with teens but that doesn’t seem to be the issue based on your posts?

Whilst on the face of it it’s unreasonable that your DP is leaving you all to it tomorrow I do think he’s right that it’s his house and his Christmas as well and you should have discussed your DB coming with him before agreeing. Did you really just agree without talking to him first? My DH has a difficult sibling who has made various family occasions difficult over the years and I’d be furious if he invited them without a proper discussion and my agreement.

So a blend of opinions on both sides to be fair. Thanks for sharing.

I get it op, my dds were both working all day and announced they were both going out. 13 year olds been a bit out of sorts, slept from 2pm yday till 6.45 this morning and then fell asleep at 8 tonight (think he's maybe going through a growth spurt as wev have the flu already). So first Xmas not all sat round the table having a buffet then into Xmas pj's and games. It almost feels like I'm pretending it's Xmas eve. I've liked the calmness of it all though.

In a few years you can all go to the pub for a couple of drinks on Xmas eve together..

Your dp does however sound like a dick and id just try enjoy your day the best you can without him.