Xmas is just not the same with teenage DC- feeling sorry for myself self

[Whitegrenache]

I am Probabky going to be told IABU, however it has hit me tonight how much less I am enjoying Xmas now that DC are older. I’m aware I’m probably feeling sorry for myself!

i have done everything for Xmas as usual food presents decorations etc all whilst working full time in a job which is full on and feel a bit sad and resentful

I had a massive fall out with DP last week as he doesn’t want me to invite my (D) brother to Xmas day (along with my parents) but I felt guilty as mum asked if he could come as he would have otherwise been alone, and I felt put on the spot and couldn’t say no.
DP refuses to stay at home for dinner and is now going to his mothers for day leaving me with my family and DC to cook for and somehow trying to explain to them why he isn’t there

DD 19 has gone out with her mates tonight which she is perfectly entitled to do.
DD 16 is on his Xbox in his room
DP and I have sat on the sofa watching TV all night

I can’t help feeling sad that my Christmases are going to be different from now on and I need to accept it.

any advice from others in a similar situation to adjust so I can be better prepared for next year?

My lovely daughter has just come home and gave me a cuddle. She thinks it unreasonable of my mam and dad to have asked if he could
come in the first place! Ahhhhh

Is the real problem that you've realised your children are growing up and it will soon just be you and your DH?

I get there is an adjustment period when 'santy' is no longer a thing. Try to keep old traditions while also making new ones. Christmas can still be magical, it really is what you make it.

Your DH on the other hand doesn't very nice. You dont need his permission to spend time with your family. Imagine your children didnt see you at Christmas because their partners said no. Hes being unfair.

I hope you get some sleep @Whitegrenache

If DP insists, well take some time to think it all over and try and talk about it later. The kids can muck in and help. It’s shit but don’t let it ruin your day completely, there is always support here too. Emotions can run so high we don’t all make the best decisions. You haven’t made an easy choice either. Be kind to yourself and remind DP that it’s not your ideal scenario either. See if you can pull together, I hope so. You said your kids are fab and that’s worth so much ❤️

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I think it may have been better to do two Christmas days one with your parents and brother and one with your family. I’m guessing db has put your family through a lot in the past. I think dp has got a point as it’s his home to. My advice would be never give an answer in the moment always say you’ll think about it. I have learnt this the hard way! As for Christmas Eve you can still do nice things together light trails, going out for food or a walk make new traditions if the teens tag along it’s up to them. I guess you could do some of these things after Christmas too.

Do all saying OP and DP should be a team and he is wrong for going elsewhere just think what you would say if it was the other way round. If OP was complaining that her DP was inviting his mother or sister without consulting OP it would be awful and him so in the wrong.
OP’s DH is taking himself out of the autos that OP doesn’t have to choose between them, can’t see what he is doing wrong here.

Who would want an ex addict in your home who makes snide remarks? On xmas day of all days! You were mad to not discuss this properly with your DP.

Yes YABU. There are always a few threads on here at Christmas (and this year has been no exception) where it's the DH or male DP who lands a guest on the OP without consulting her and it's someone she really doesn't want in her house. The DH/DP is rightly called out and the concensus is that he is completely unfair, unreasonable and selfish.

In your case the inviter (you) is female but that doesn't change the rules.

Yes I agree with this. Teamwork goes both ways. The discussion should have been had, and a united front formed on the outcome.

OP you say you were trying to please your parents. I don't mean this in an insensitive way but are you typically a people pleaser?

If so, you'd benefit from some mental health support focusing on being more assertive, and realising that other people's negative responses to you asserting boundaries is not your problem to solve.

I think a conversation could be had with DP about how this decision fell far from a team decision and how future decisions like this should be made together in future.

You do realise we can still see the original post to this don't you?

Why are you putting your brother above your partner? This could be setting up an irrevocable chain of reactions re your relationship. And why put your children through that on Xmas day too? This is bonkers.

Absolutely. I think if OP had put this important information in the first post instead of drip feeding it that she would have much different answers.

Your DD sounds emotionally literate and it is true that your parents shouldn't have asked.

If you can be frank with them you could say Look mum and dad, I shouldn't have answered straight away before discussing this with my family, but we aren't comfortable having christmas with DB. If you would rather come on boxing day and spend the day with DB so he isn't alone I completely understand but we can't host him.

Putting her brother AND her parents above her partner.

OP says she's trying to be reasonable and is stuck in the middle. But she's not. She's picked a side and it isn't her partner's.

Unfortunately that’s just the nature of parenthood. It’s hard to accept (I know it was for me), but eventually you’ll just have too.

To be fair I would be fuming at this too. I don’t think you’re being reasonable at all. My DH’s brother is an ex addict and an absolute cock. I’d leave if I made it clear he wasn’t welcome for Christmas and my partner went above my head. I’m guessing your partner comes last and he knows it.

I was all ready to pass judgement on your DH for heading off to his family on Christmas Day, but inviting anyone vaguely controversial over for the meal without discussing it with your partner is an absolute no. Not to mention that it’s a massive drip feed!

You’ve prioritised not standing up to your parents over your partners feelings, and he’s annoyed in response. Inviting your (by your own description) terrible company ex-addict brother for Christmas without consulting your partner is definitely unreasonable. Why would you inflict him on your partner and children so that your mum doesn’t have to face the reality that there are consequences for that fact your brother behaves like an arse (ex-addict aside).

I’m surprised so many people think it’s okay to invite an ex-addict for Christmas without discussing and agreeing it with your partner 😬

I feel sorry for your DP here. I think you owe him a big apology.

But were you a team when you decided to make the decision to have your DB over even though you know your DP doesn’t like him and didn’t want him there? (with good reason by the sounds of it)

You're focusing on the teens, because in the past you could throw your energy into the children and ignore the other issues.

Your DP is right, btw. You should have discussed with with him before deciding whether to invite your brother.

Your mother should not have put any pressure on you.

But your DP should not be creating a scene by stropping off. He should have made his point clear to you, and then you should have apologised, and then both just got on with the day.

Massive drip feed.

I would be upset if my DP invited their ex addict DB over before discussing it with me. You are suppose to be a team.

I don’t think your teenagers are the problem here.

I’d apologize to your DP. It’s his house as well.

Are people reading this? Her DB is an addict and OP doesn't want him there either. She invited him without discussing with DP because she wants to please her parents. Sorry but I'm with DP. You need to stop doing things to please your mam. You're a grown up with practically grown up kids and need to make your own decisions - together with your DP if you really are meant to be partners. I'd be really pissed off that you'd brought a person like that into the home for Xmas and I'd go elsewhere to, albeit I'd take the kids with me if they wanted to come.

If your DP is a dick, then that's a separate issue, but in this case it's the DB who's the issue and it's not your problem if he's alone. Your parents can stay home and host him if that's their priority. Stop trying to please them and your DB and look out for your own family first.

Your biggest problem isn't that Christmas day is different because your children are older and not as invested

Your biggest problem is that you are trauma bonded with your parents, disrespectful of your DP and messed up about your brother

Concentrate on the important issues. Don't get sidetracked by the peripheral

YABU. You've prioritised your parents wanting someone you and your husband don't want there, over your husband, and are suprised when he doesn't want to be there? More fool you.

Hi @Whitegrenache, how has this morning gone?

I can empathise, my brother is an addiction too. And our Mum enables him and likes us to play happy families. I also have 3 teens in the house (plus a tween). I think I may be several years ahead of you in dealing with my Brother tho.

My mum still gives us the "BD can't be on his own Christmas" line (even tho he has been for about 18 of the last 20 years). She gives is the same line every Sunday (because they also have a standing invitation to Sunday Roast every week.

I explain the above so you know there is no judgement from me. But what's important here is your boundaries with your mum. You should not have agreed this without considering your own children and partner first. That's putting your Mum above them - which doesn't make for a healthy family home, particularly when there is an addiction involved.

It took a good 10 years of reaffirming boundaries, but our rule is DB has an open invitation but only if he is sober. We've had many times of Mum pushing (or ignoring) that. Key is, DH and I are a team on it, we don't work against each other. If DB arrived drunk, we'd both be pissed off, rather than DH being pissed at me because my DB is an addict. So we would seeth together, talk to Mum as a Team, and remove drunk DB from the home together. DB has not been at our house drunk for over 10y now (he's been an alcoholic for 20y). He's only been here sober about 3-4 times in the last 3 years, so even that is dwindling.

If DP has his way, we'd have been NC with BD many years ago. But that would break my Mums heart, and that mattered to me, because my Mum matters too. So DH and I talked and compromised on the above arrangements.

The fact your teens are older doesn't feel like a factor in all of this. I've been in a bubble bath since 9.15am this morning, I can do that specifically because our children are older now. Not too old to all get up at 7am to open gifts, but old enough that once that's done, they're off entertaining themselves. My Mum and PIL coming 12pm. DB invited but Mum confirmed last night he won't be coming (read as: he's still drinking). I feel better that DB and Mum knew DB was invited, but grateful that DH and my boundaries are respected.

Happy Christmas. Talk to your Mum about next year. Talk to DP about a plan for next year that respects both his and your (and the children's) needs first, not just yours and your Mums.