Had a disagreement with a friend this evening - who is unreasonable?

[Tillow4ever]

I’ll preempt this by saying I am absolutely shattered after a ridiculously busy few weeks and very little sleep the last 2 nights, so I might just be being sensitive!

My middle son turns 18 in 2 weeks time. He and I have an identical sense of humour - a bit dirty, enioy dark jokes, find innuendo funny, etc. he has a few innuendo style t-shirts. I was showing my friend a picture of a t-shirt I have bought him for Xmas that I KNOW he will find hilarious and wear with pride - it has a picture of a cockerel on it with the words “stop staring at my cock”

My friend started telling me off and that it was completely inappropriate for a mum to buy that for her son. I explained it’s in a similar theme to stuff he already owns, and ones he’s asked for. I reminded her he’s about to turn 18. She asked me if I was shagging him (WTAF of course I’m not) and kept going on about his inappropriate it is. I tried explaining again about his humour and how I wouldn’t buy it for either of his brothers (20 & 14) because it’s not their sense of humour and inappropriate for the younger one. She was saying how she wouldn’t get it for her kids - I said that’s fine, no-one says she has to and it’s about tailoring it to the person.

She dropped it, but a minute later started again. She said that I’d mentioned reporting a major safeguarding concern to the school a few days ago (I hadn’t told her details as none of her business but I told her I had to report something truly awful I had been told about) and that I should be safeguarding my family too. I reminded her again he is pretty much an adult. I asked the other people at her party, one of whom is a secondary school teacher, they couldn’t see the issue and said it wasn’t a safeguarding concern in their opinion. I need up getting fed up of her going on about it so said I really don’t need this today after a busy day so I was going to go home, and left.

Now bear in mind too that her eldest son was joining in with some extremely outright sexual comments/rude games on New Year’s Eve 2 years ago (he was only just 19) and possibly the year before but I can’t be certain. Games like Cards Against Humanity, Bad People, etc. No innuendo needed with the stuff coming out for example. I pointed this out to her and she said it was completely different as he was older (13 months older to be exact).

So I sit here at home a little upset by her attitude but also wondering if she was right. I don’t think I’m wrong to get it - I agree it’s not in the best taste, or the wittiest joke in history, but that’s not what the discussion was about!

Mumsnet - I’m on the app so not sure if I can enable voting (I will try).. but AIBU?

YABU - it’s completely wrong for a mum to buy that t-shirt for a 17 year old about to turn 18, even if it is his sense of humour.

YANBU - as long as it’s what he wanted, there’s no issue here and your friend is being weird.

Thank you in advance.

Being honest, I don't like slogan t-shirts or smut.
It's none of my business what other people enjoy.

I would go mental if my friend suggested I was sleeping with my son over a crass jokey tshirt. That is more of the issue and I would call her out on that disgusting comment. And honestly, all these uptight people commenting on the tshirt - he's 18, its a bit vulgar but so what? Get a life.

YABU for encouraging your son to wear penis-themed clothing where the 'joke' is to draw attention to your son's 'cock' through a play on words - it's crass and crude, and makes a terrible first impression if worn out in public.

But your friend sounds rather unhinged in her response.

If it's an 'around the house' shirt or nightwear, it would be fine.

Otherwise, I think it's rather confrontational in a way, for a man to wear something that references his 'cock' - even if it is in jest. I'm fine with that sort of humour in the home or amongst friends, so on a mug or pyjamas, but I wouldn't be happy for my son to represent himself that way in public.

To which the reply is “Does it surprise you that people wonder what you’re up to when you are proudly starting a conversation about your adult son’s cock, and he’s wearing a tee inviting others to join the pair of you in that cutesy little chat? It’s all very very weird and enmeshed: psychologically, what’s in it for you and why are you being so angry and defensive about it?”

personally i wouldnt buy it but it is your choice, your son

Not something I would do with my kids but hey

The T-shirt sounds gross, I’d cringe if I saw someone wearing it. Like a junior Benny Hill or something.

This. Subjecting the people he will encounter (or more precisely: anyone who will see this him wearing this shirt) to that particular brand of „humour“ is something I personally certainly wouldn’t want to encourage.

Honestly, this is a good point. If a dad bought that for his teenage daughter, it would seem quite inappropriate, and I might well wonder what exactly his relationship dynamic was with his daughter. It would come across as nearly predatory.

It doesn't have those same creepy vibes for me with a mother buying it for her son, but I guess I could understand the friend's reaction if she was trying to make a point, rather than seriously thinking OP was shagging her son. Although it still seems like an overreaction.

She sounds a tad unhinged!

Stop explaining yourself to your friend. Just change the subject. Yabu for even entertaining her criticism of you.

Not something I'd buy for anyone and not something I'd like to see anyone wearing out of their home BUT it's none of her business and it's not a safeguarding issue !!

Well, I think your friend sounds both unhinged and a bit of a bully. Who upsets and shames a good friend in public on Christmas Eve??

I think naff t shirts is a bit of a 'thing' atm with youngsters, my son and his friends wear t shirts like this and all coordinate who is wearing what when they go out as a bit of a laugh.

Like you say its like an ironic "we look ridiculous" Inbetweeners type thing. Ive seen a few young teen lads wearing similar when out and about, and HMV do a lot of this style top, so it must be a thing?

I think its funny, id buy my son that and would assume my friend is having a bit of a tough time so is choosing to focus on odd things.

I would think badly of anyone wearing that T-shirt without being absolutely certain that everyone who saw it was OK with it. And to be honest I'm not sure I'd expect many 18yos boys to make that call reliably.

He wears it ironically in that he knows it’s crass and un-funny in the strictest sense, but wears them anyway because he finds it ironic to do so. Or it was something like that he said when I first asked if he was sure when he got his first t-shirt like this. Obviously no one else is going to know that’s why he’s wearing it but in his mind it makes sense to him. He finds the innuendo funny because he’s a 17/18 year old lad. A lot of them find that funny. It’s like he’s taking the piss out of himself when he wears it out of the house. I find them amusing because I grew up in a pub and pretty much all the jokes were dirty innuendos. I get it’s not everyone’s cup of tea, and I have no problems disagreeing with people whether it’s funny or not. My friend made me question whether I really was being oblivious to any safeguarding concerns with how much she was going on, which is why I came here to ask - because I know people on here will be brutally honest.

Of course I could have given him money for him to buy the shirts himself, but I didn’t see the point! It’s nicer to have a gift to open than cash. Obviously it isn’t his only gift before anyone thinks it is. It is the only present I’ve bought him (I say I not we because my husband doesn’t help at all with the Christmas shopping so it’s me that chose and bought everything) that has any sort of joke on it, so I’m not buying him a full wardrobe of these. He’s also got a pack of completely plain t-shirts, among other (non clothes) gifts.

If that was her sense of humour and the sort of thing she wanted (and was 17/18), I would. Because it’s about what the person receiving the gifts wants, surely?

She’s utterly ridiculous.

she was very drunk for sure. But she is always very drunk when I see her. I’ve long suspected she might be an alcoholic, but I don’t know if she only drinks at these few social events a year or if it’s all the time - but she certainly doesn’t know how to only have 1 or 2. The weirdest thing is she is the crassest person ever, especially when she’s been drinking. Last night she kept coming up to me and kissing the Bruce Willis picture on my Die Hard Xmas jumper (I sure it because I know how much she loves that film), so she was definitely getting towards that stage of drunk already - bear in mind I left around only 8pm!

I did change the subject. Less than 2 mins later she brought back up. Which is when I said I was leaving as I could see she wasn’t going to drop it and didn’t want it to derail the evening.

Thank you, yes that’s how he explained it! Like they compete to see who can wear the absolute worst top? He only wears it of out with them or mostly at home.

It’s a very grim imo.
Personally, I don’t think it’s an appropriate gift for a mother to give to her son.

I may not be back again now, I think I have a good range of answers to see the general consensus is that it’s not a safeguarding issue, so I don’t need to worry there. I can see it’s not everyone’s humour, but it doesn’t have to be - it’s for him to choose what he likes. It was one of multiple he had shown me as examples of ones he liked and was hoping to get, I made the decision to get him something I knew he wanted, like most parents do.

The boys are starting to wake up now, so it’s presents time. Have a lovely day everyone.

I think it's a good time to bow out of the thread OP. Posters are going to wade in to register their disapproval one after the other.
You've got what you needed, now let the thread become the sanctimonious burble it will.
Merry Christmas to you and yours. X