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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Had a disagreement with a friend this evening - who is unreasonable?

113 replies

Tillow4ever · 24/12/2025 20:55

I’ll preempt this by saying I am absolutely shattered after a ridiculously busy few weeks and very little sleep the last 2 nights, so I might just be being sensitive!

My middle son turns 18 in 2 weeks time. He and I have an identical sense of humour - a bit dirty, enioy dark jokes, find innuendo funny, etc. he has a few innuendo style t-shirts. I was showing my friend a picture of a t-shirt I have bought him for Xmas that I KNOW he will find hilarious and wear with pride - it has a picture of a cockerel on it with the words “stop staring at my cock”

My friend started telling me off and that it was completely inappropriate for a mum to buy that for her son. I explained it’s in a similar theme to stuff he already owns, and ones he’s asked for. I reminded her he’s about to turn 18. She asked me if I was shagging him (WTAF of course I’m not) and kept going on about his inappropriate it is. I tried explaining again about his humour and how I wouldn’t buy it for either of his brothers (20 & 14) because it’s not their sense of humour and inappropriate for the younger one. She was saying how she wouldn’t get it for her kids - I said that’s fine, no-one says she has to and it’s about tailoring it to the person.

She dropped it, but a minute later started again. She said that I’d mentioned reporting a major safeguarding concern to the school a few days ago (I hadn’t told her details as none of her business but I told her I had to report something truly awful I had been told about) and that I should be safeguarding my family too. I reminded her again he is pretty much an adult. I asked the other people at her party, one of whom is a secondary school teacher, they couldn’t see the issue and said it wasn’t a safeguarding concern in their opinion. I need up getting fed up of her going on about it so said I really don’t need this today after a busy day so I was going to go home, and left.

Now bear in mind too that her eldest son was joining in with some extremely outright sexual comments/rude games on New Year’s Eve 2 years ago (he was only just 19) and possibly the year before but I can’t be certain. Games like Cards Against Humanity, Bad People, etc. No innuendo needed with the stuff coming out for example. I pointed this out to her and she said it was completely different as he was older (13 months older to be exact).

So I sit here at home a little upset by her attitude but also wondering if she was right. I don’t think I’m wrong to get it - I agree it’s not in the best taste, or the wittiest joke in history, but that’s not what the discussion was about!

Mumsnet - I’m on the app so not sure if I can enable voting (I will try).. but AIBU?

YABU - it’s completely wrong for a mum to buy that t-shirt for a 17 year old about to turn 18, even if it is his sense of humour.

YANBU - as long as it’s what he wanted, there’s no issue here and your friend is being weird.

Thank you in advance.

OP posts:
suburberphobe · 24/12/2025 21:24

Technically nothing wrong with you buying it as his mum, but I'd rather my child - even as an adult - didn't walk round with something like that on their t-shirt.

I agree there @Alexadidzammomarryjackie

Butchyrestingface · 24/12/2025 21:30

Does he wear these innuendo style t-shirts out and about in public? I can imagine getting one for a friend (probably not offspring) on a MUG but not something they would be potentially wearing as clothes.

Original poster
Tillow4ever · 24/12/2025 21:33

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

I’ve posted on here about the situation before, and under a different name. It’s so very complicated and I have no self confidence after years of emotional abuse. I don’t want to derail this thread talking about that, but I promise I’ve started taking steps to get ducks in a row etc.

I don’t really have any close/real friends, so she’s one of a handful I thought was a good friend.

OP posts:
Newbutoldfather · 24/12/2025 21:34

I think it is a bit strange a mother buying her adult son a t shirt referencing his penis!

But, it’s definitely not a big deal. As a friend I would just have said ‘that’s nice’ and moved on.

(I voted YABU although I think your friend is too).

Original poster
Tillow4ever · 24/12/2025 21:35

suburberphobe · 24/12/2025 21:24

Technically nothing wrong with you buying it as his mum, but I'd rather my child - even as an adult - didn't walk round with something like that on their t-shirt.

I agree there @Alexadidzammomarryjackie

Fair enough - we are all different and have different senses of humour. As long as he’s not wearing it in an inappropriate situation, I see it as his choice. As long as he’s respectful to people, I can separate him wearing it because he thinks people will get a laugh.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tillow4ever · 24/12/2025 21:36

Butchyrestingface · 24/12/2025 21:30

Does he wear these innuendo style t-shirts out and about in public? I can imagine getting one for a friend (probably not offspring) on a MUG but not something they would be potentially wearing as clothes.

He doesn’t really go out very much so it tends to be worn around the home. But he will wear them if he goes out with friends.

OP posts:
Itsseweasy · 24/12/2025 21:36

I can admittedly be a bit of a prude when it comes to slogan t-shirts as I don’t like little kids seeing them out and about - but that one really made me laugh 😂
Your “friend” sounds like she has some issues going on somewhere as what she was suggesting is way more offensive!
I hope your son loves his new T-shirt and that your friend does a bit of self reflection.

Original poster
Tillow4ever · 24/12/2025 21:38

Newbutoldfather · 24/12/2025 21:34

I think it is a bit strange a mother buying her adult son a t shirt referencing his penis!

But, it’s definitely not a big deal. As a friend I would just have said ‘that’s nice’ and moved on.

(I voted YABU although I think your friend is too).

I did say to her if it had a picture of a penis is completely agree with her. But an innuendo I didn’t see the issue with as long as it was something he was happy to receive. If it would have made him feel uncomfortable of course I wouldn’t buy it, or if it wasn’t his humour, or if he was younger.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tillow4ever · 24/12/2025 21:41

Itsseweasy · 24/12/2025 21:36

I can admittedly be a bit of a prude when it comes to slogan t-shirts as I don’t like little kids seeing them out and about - but that one really made me laugh 😂
Your “friend” sounds like she has some issues going on somewhere as what she was suggesting is way more offensive!
I hope your son loves his new T-shirt and that your friend does a bit of self reflection.

Thank you. And tried to pop down and drag me back - I said we’re all good, I’m not falling out with her but I was really tired and we clearly disagreed so I went home to avoid a big fall out. I am hoping when she is sober we can have a talk about it and she’ll understand why I was upset. I’ve always been a people pleaser, so historically I’d have sat there, taken it and likely apologised for it all. I’m trying to build up the confidence to stand up for myself.

OP posts:
MaybeNotNo · 24/12/2025 21:43

You know your ds.

I bought my youngest a t shirt in the US in November with a cheerleading slogan on it because I thought he would find it funny. And he did! (I know boys cheerlead, but not often here)

ChaToilLeam · 24/12/2025 21:50

She is seriously nuts! The T shirt wouldn't be to my taste but it's hardly the most offensive thing on this earth, just a laugh.

pizzaHeart · 24/12/2025 21:55

EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 24/12/2025 21:12

Really weird that she asked if you were shagging him. Like give a wide berth weird.

I actually think that her comment was very inappropriate.
The tshirt was just a specific kind of humour, the comment was out of order.

Original poster
Tillow4ever · 24/12/2025 21:57

Genuinely thank you, even those who don’t agree with the contents of the t-shirt. I really started to question my own judgement with the way she was going on, so I knew this place is brutal enough to have told me honestly if it was absolutely wrong to be a mum buying this.

Hopefully I will sleep and not play over how I should have handled it all night!

OP posts:
Dollymylove · 24/12/2025 22:53

I'm no prude but its not something I would buy for my son and I wouldnt really be making sexual jokes. But each to their own I guess

Endofyear · 24/12/2025 23:05

She asked if you're shagging your son? In all seriousness? She's sick in the head and she's certainly not your friend!

mondaytosunday · 24/12/2025 23:08

I think it’s fine to give this to your son, though if I saw anyone actually wearing it I’d be doing some serious eye rolling at something so juvenile.

HeddaGarbled · 24/12/2025 23:11

But where could he possibly wear it without risking offence to bystanders?

lazyarse123 · 24/12/2025 23:21

HeddaGarbled · 24/12/2025 23:11

But where could he possibly wear it without risking offence to bystanders?

We need to stop worrying about what randoms think. So what if someone's offended?

The whole country seens to have had a sense of humour bypass.

Original poster
Tillow4ever · 24/12/2025 23:21

HeddaGarbled · 24/12/2025 23:11

But where could he possibly wear it without risking offence to bystanders?

Obviously there’s always a risk. But if he’s going to friends where they have younger siblings there, or if he were going to a school for any reason, or any other situation where it would DEFINITELY be inappropriate he won’t wear one of these style shirts. If he’s out with his mates or sitting at home then he wears them.

Just finished my jobs so off to bed. Thank you once again for all the opinions and comments. Merry Christmas to you all, I hope you all have a lovely day tomorrow.

OP posts:
NewHere83 · 24/12/2025 23:24

I'm sorry. She asked if you were shagging your son?? She is not your friend. Ditch her immediately and irrevocably. Also. Shes very triggered by this - can only.imagine she's jealous of your relationship?

Mummybearsthename · 24/12/2025 23:26

I bought my 16 year old bi daughter a badge with a picture of a concerned looking cat that says 'lesbians eat what?!' on it...

You do you. We have an open relationship, talk about everything, joke together about all sorts. She will find it hilarious, I'm certain....and if it isn't to someone else's taste ..that's ok, they can keep doing them!

It's lovely you can share your son's humour. Don't even give it another thought!

Wonderlandpeony · 24/12/2025 23:46

I wouldn't want my son to wear a tshirt like that, but I'd have just politely laughed and moved the conversation on if I'd been your friend.

girlfriend44 · 24/12/2025 23:49

Grow up OP its crass and tacky.

BauhausOfEliott · 25/12/2025 00:34

Alexadidzammomarryjackie · 24/12/2025 20:58

Technically nothing wrong with you buying it as his mum, but I'd rather my child - even as an adult - didn't walk round with something like that on their t-shirt.

Whether you’d like it or not isn’t relevant, though. It’s not about taste; it’s about the OP’s friend thinking buying a 17-year-old a t-shirt with a Carry On film level of double entendre on it somehow indicates chid abuse. Whether you’d want your kid to wear it is neither here nor there - the OP’s friend is insane regardless.

BauhausOfEliott · 25/12/2025 00:40

girlfriend44 · 24/12/2025 23:49

Grow up OP its crass and tacky.

So what? Being crass and tacky doesn’t make it harmful, and it doesn’t warrant her friend essentially accusing her of child abuse.

I once bought my sister a t-shirt with a pear on it and the words ‘nice pear’. Was it crass and tacky? Of course it was - that was the whole point of buying it - but crassness/tackiness doesn’t mean it would justfiy deranged accusations of incest.