Had a disagreement with a friend this evening - who is unreasonable?

[Tillow4ever]

I’ll preempt this by saying I am absolutely shattered after a ridiculously busy few weeks and very little sleep the last 2 nights, so I might just be being sensitive!

My middle son turns 18 in 2 weeks time. He and I have an identical sense of humour - a bit dirty, enioy dark jokes, find innuendo funny, etc. he has a few innuendo style t-shirts. I was showing my friend a picture of a t-shirt I have bought him for Xmas that I KNOW he will find hilarious and wear with pride - it has a picture of a cockerel on it with the words “stop staring at my cock”

My friend started telling me off and that it was completely inappropriate for a mum to buy that for her son. I explained it’s in a similar theme to stuff he already owns, and ones he’s asked for. I reminded her he’s about to turn 18. She asked me if I was shagging him (WTAF of course I’m not) and kept going on about his inappropriate it is. I tried explaining again about his humour and how I wouldn’t buy it for either of his brothers (20 & 14) because it’s not their sense of humour and inappropriate for the younger one. She was saying how she wouldn’t get it for her kids - I said that’s fine, no-one says she has to and it’s about tailoring it to the person.

She dropped it, but a minute later started again. She said that I’d mentioned reporting a major safeguarding concern to the school a few days ago (I hadn’t told her details as none of her business but I told her I had to report something truly awful I had been told about) and that I should be safeguarding my family too. I reminded her again he is pretty much an adult. I asked the other people at her party, one of whom is a secondary school teacher, they couldn’t see the issue and said it wasn’t a safeguarding concern in their opinion. I need up getting fed up of her going on about it so said I really don’t need this today after a busy day so I was going to go home, and left.

Now bear in mind too that her eldest son was joining in with some extremely outright sexual comments/rude games on New Year’s Eve 2 years ago (he was only just 19) and possibly the year before but I can’t be certain. Games like Cards Against Humanity, Bad People, etc. No innuendo needed with the stuff coming out for example. I pointed this out to her and she said it was completely different as he was older (13 months older to be exact).

So I sit here at home a little upset by her attitude but also wondering if she was right. I don’t think I’m wrong to get it - I agree it’s not in the best taste, or the wittiest joke in history, but that’s not what the discussion was about!

Mumsnet - I’m on the app so not sure if I can enable voting (I will try).. but AIBU?

YABU - it’s completely wrong for a mum to buy that t-shirt for a 17 year old about to turn 18, even if it is his sense of humour.

YANBU - as long as it’s what he wanted, there’s no issue here and your friend is being weird.

Thank you in advance.

I would immediately and permanently drop a friend who asked me if I was shagging my own son. I wouldn’t even care if it was meant as a joke.

She is being utterly ridiculous about the safeguarding concerns. That said, I cannot stand low brow sexual innuendo on T-shirts which really is a public thing. It shows a lack of boundaries and a weak sense of humour. There is absolutely nothing wrong with dirty jokes in the right setting, but when you wear it out in public, I just find it patheticm whether it be a bumper sticker, a T-shirt or some poor beautiful baby boy with “I’m a tits man” plastered across his onesie. I absolutely judge people who do this.

I couldn’t be friends with somebody who suggested that I could be “shagging” my son..

So what? The 'friend' accused her of shagging her son and said it was a safeguarding issue'. Whether it's in bad taste or not is irrelevant to the question being asked.

Urgh.. brought back memories of the old MIL who used to buy vulgar t-shirts for her son, as they were 'funny' (they weren't) and then he'd want to wear them and tbh I found it a little disrespectful.

You’ve twice used irony/ironic to describe it.
What is the irony?

I am in the “sounds grim” camp and getting it from your parents sounds gross.

Can you imagine turning up to a date to someone wearing that tee shirt? Awful!

But my question is can you explain the irony. I get the play on words that is the humour, such as it is.

Your friend was out of line to say that aloud, though I’d have probably thought you had a weird relationship with your son to give him that. I’d have kept quiet and judged! But I wonder whether your friend was judging your husband really.

It’s absolutely your business. But would you buy a daughter a T shirt with birds on it saying ‘ look at my tits?’ I definitely wouldn’t …

Think I agree with this.
OK, she didn't like the t-shirt. That's fine. What's not fine is talking to you like that at a social event, like her opinion just had to be aired and shoot you down. It's none of her business. To go so far as to say that to you is very arrogant.
Had she had a lot to drink?

Maybe OP accidentally touched a very raw nerve with her friend?

If she did, what of it?

The shagging your son comment alone should see her binned off by you. Is she always this stupid, or was she drunk?

I imagine she was implying that it was the kind of thing one might only buy for someone who you are in an intimate relationship with?! Might you have misunderstood her line of questioning?

How does anyone know it’s ironic? Is he actually going to go out in it? Your friend is unreasonable but the t-shirt is awful

Tell her to get her knickers out of a twist silly woman.
He is your son me and my sons laugh at funny rude cards they are 22 & 24 I'm glad we all have a sense of humour .
Don't fret about her silly opinions.

I think that’s a horrible , disgusting thing to buy your son, I’d be ashamed if I had an 18 year old son and he was wearing that.

If this was a dad buying his daughter a t-shirt with a cat on it saying “Stop staring at my p*y Mumsnet would be outraged. It’s no different for a mum to buy it for a son.

Humour is so subjective - sometimes it is hard to understand, let alone share, why some people find some things funny (eg. Mrs Brown's boys!!)

Your friend was harsh in her comments to you and really shouldn't have said anything. Best thing she could have done would have been to change the subject and just acknowledge that there is no need to ask you to explain yourself.

I do think it is really weird, though, for you to buy your son a t-shirt referencing his cock. Very strange. When he wears it, people are bound to ask him about it and when he says that his mother bought it for him, I can imagine that some will think it weird as well.

Sounds grim all round

This is probably right, the friend should have said nothing and just swerved OP in future.

Crass t shirt, some people will think so but not say so it if he wears it out.

I don’t think it’s an appropriate gift from a parent to DC.

T shirts like that worn out is also a ‘male privilege’ thing - women who like that kind of humour would often not feel safe wearing it out due to unwanted male reactions.

Friend was not U to say she disliked it but was U to make a big deal of it and say those extreme things. Had she been drinking?

If it’s the first time she’s done anything like this and is otherwise a good friend, I’d get over it, especially since you say you don’t have many friends and have an abusive H.