To be so suspicious all the time?

[CleverOpalPanda]

I have a big problem with jealousy and always check his following as my ex husband used to talk to other women.

Every time i fight with bf about it he gives me horrible silent treatment.

He followed a girl and he usually never follows women on insta or anywhere so I asked him who is she ,he said he knows her from work and I kind of believe it until he says you have asked me for her months ago on tiktok so i view her account there and I remembered when he followed her 6 months ago we had a fight and back then he said he didnt know her and removed her.

This woman is an architect and i am too so i tell him maybe i should follow her since we share this profession and he said ok.

I follow her and I dont feel proud about it at all but I have had a gut feeling for days with him hiding phone and also being quite distracted on his phone while on video call with me.

So i panicked and follow request her

2 mins later this woman had sent a screenshot to him asking who i was since he follows me and he replied, why has she spoken to you? but didnt disclose his reponse to her on who i was.
From screenshot you coulf tell this was not first time talking.

He send me message showing me their convo and saying look what you go and do and threatened to block me and never speak again to me as I am too jealous ,which I am and maybe my action put him in a position.

I texted saying its quite clear that he is speaking to her otherwise why would she screenshot me for a follow request and I ended the relationship.

He didnt reply but earlier on the phone he said i will show you now and hung up meaning he will give me silent treatment as he knows that freaks me out .
He uses silent treatment for even minor argument too and i am thinking i deserve it as i question him a lot.
At the same time if feels always like i cant get proper reasurance from him as on every argument he lashes out calling me too much and threatening to hang up the phone which also happens if i cry about smth.
I feel i over do it with my jealousy but my gut feeling is also screeming.
I am quite articulate with him and i dont shout or swear but usually analyse and discuss and i feel i dont deserve this as I always end up apologising and beg him to end silent treatment but the issue I had never gets resolved because of it and I feel resentment and walking on eggshells and so on.
Do i deserve this ?

Silent treatment is emotional abuse. It is a method used to control and manipulate you as a punishment for doing something he doesn’t approve of. He is training you to “put up and shut up”.
OP I suspect you have good reason to be “jealous” here - it’s likely to be your gut/intuition screaming at you all the stuff he’s getting up to behind your back.
This is not a healthy relationship.

He could be cheating. You might be an OTT jealous person. Both things can be true.

But this is chilling and I would run a mile:
earlier on the phone he said i will show you now and hung up meaning he will give me silent treatment as he knows that freaks me out

Everything about this relationship sounds toxic.

This is an absolute shit show of a "relationship". End it, have some time alone, get some therapy for yourself, and then when you're able to be in a relationship without questioning the other person's every move and interaction, you're more likely to find a decent guy

I ended the relationship.

Just keep it that way. Let him be as silent as he likes elsewhere. Maybe something is going on, maybe not, but you need someone who isn't playing these games and following random women on social media.
Start the new year single and focusing on yourself.

I actually only question him in situations like this and if i dont believe his story he gets mad and doesnt speak so it never gets fully resolved for me as i try to beg him to speak to me and gets forgotten.He gets upset with slightest confrontation and i cant explain myself or express as he threatens to not speak to me again.Now he told me all you need is for me to block you and be done with you ,look what you did you follow requested her.

I cant work out if you're trying to justify or normalise this but can you see how batshit this is in a relationship? Your jealousy/paranoia and his controlling behaviour are a recipe for absolute disaster. You are worth more than that and you dont need to live like that.

I have no idea what apps my husband has on his phone. I have no idea who he follows, who he messages, who he talks to either online or real life. He goes away by himself for weekends, meets up with female friends and even stays at their houses and goes away with them without me.
Equally, I go away by myself, I have male friends who I see alone, ive even shared hotel rooms with them. And neither of us give any of it a second thought because we trust each other, and without trust, what even is a relationship?

You are an architect so clever professionally. Apply the same logic to your relationship - would you have a client who abused you? No. Dump the boyfriend as he’s plain nasty and this relationship is cracking and not working.

Make sure you do end the relationship, ignore the silent treatment and post lots of stuff for him to see on social media showing how much you're enjoying your new life without him! That's the best revenge! Of course that's assuming you don't live together or have kids. If you do..still end this relationship for good and make plans to leave. Oh and because I'm petty I'd have messaged this woman and asked who she was!

End it, that’s no way to live.

Are you 14?

We both come from a culture where having male or female friends is not acceptable ,i am not saying is right but thats how we are raised.
He is equally jealous even for me to work with men or post selfies online.
The other day he got upset why my work phone whatsapp had a profile picture and why do I speak on the phone with male clients.

I want to message her so i rub it in his face but I am somehow scared what if I am assuming wrong about her ,I already feel cornered just for requesting to follow her and I am feeled with anxiety

No and neither is he but I dont want to be taken for stupid ,he knows how following other woman makes me feel so he doesnt care ,I dont feel good for following her but it was just that ,I didnt talk to her but she immeditely texted him so ..

He once didnt speak to me for 3 days because I removed a photo of me with him in the background from my socials and accused me of being with sb else just based on that or didnt speak for a day because i said goodnight without a kiss emoji

Presumably having boyfriends and girlfriends aren’t looked on too well in the culture either but you are managing to circumnavigate that? So opp sex friends should be ok.

Your ex-husband followed lots of other women as well. You need therapy to work out why you are going for these kind of man. And this kind of controlling behaviour from your current partner is a huge red flag and you could be in danger in the future.

You’re not stupid, so you need to end this relationship now and work out why you are with these dreadful men. Stay single. Anything is better than this.

I already ended it and my anxious brain is telling me that i was wrong and i deserve this for following that woman on his insta.silent treatment puts me in panic mode to chase and for first time i am not and its just so hard emotionally.I am trying to get the strength to block him.

Well done. Post here. Distract yourself. Do anything to free yourself of this creature. It will not end well. I work in mental health and men like this can end up killing women. I’m not exaggerating.

You do not deserve any of this. No woman does.

he is putting on silent treatment because he knows it upsets you. No decent human being does this to anyone.

And please ignore any love bombing that may happen.

Well done for what you’ve done. Stay strong and stay posting.

Well done for ending it but block him and her out of your life. Block him right now… go on… you can do it and let me tell you this… HE DESERVES TO BE BLOCKED!

You need to leave him.

I do think you are being over the top if you're questioning who he follows on Instagram - I wouldn't have a clue who my Husband follows.

But he knows you're jealous and is using your behaviour as an excuse to be abusive and controlling in other ways, such as the silent treatment.

This relationship is unhealthy.

@CleverOpalPanda you clearly don't trust him so end the relationship.

You need to spend some time working on yourself and learning to trust people before you get into a relationship again.

If you contantly wanted to know who every person I spoke to and messaged then I'd give you the silent treatment! Your jealousy would drive me up the wall. My ex did the same and it was so tedious.

No trust = no relationship.

Let this poor guy go so he can find someone that does trust him.

its a combination of things lately not just a follow ,he literally lied to me about her ,i dont just randomly make up things ,apart from the follow he is being emotionlly unclear lately and you cant expect to lie and I to feel secure in this relationship.
I agree its exhausting but this man gives silent treatment for hideous things like saying goodnight too early.
But you are right I do have a problem.

‘The other day he got upset why my work phone whatsapp had a profile picture and why do I speak on the phone with male clients.’

Poor guy Seriously?? Raise your standards.

He told me that should change and asked how i would feel if he had female clients his number to which I wouldnt be jealous ,that would make me crazy.
Got upset why i wanted to post a nice selfie online and asked who do i need to post it for but i tolerated so far cause I too am crazy jealous when he follows a woman,keeps phone hidden and is inconsiatent with his story,getting very quickly defensive etc

Sorry but you sound nuts.