To be so suspicious all the time?

[CleverOpalPanda]

I have a big problem with jealousy and always check his following as my ex husband used to talk to other women.

Every time i fight with bf about it he gives me horrible silent treatment.

He followed a girl and he usually never follows women on insta or anywhere so I asked him who is she ,he said he knows her from work and I kind of believe it until he says you have asked me for her months ago on tiktok so i view her account there and I remembered when he followed her 6 months ago we had a fight and back then he said he didnt know her and removed her.

This woman is an architect and i am too so i tell him maybe i should follow her since we share this profession and he said ok.

I follow her and I dont feel proud about it at all but I have had a gut feeling for days with him hiding phone and also being quite distracted on his phone while on video call with me.

So i panicked and follow request her

2 mins later this woman had sent a screenshot to him asking who i was since he follows me and he replied, why has she spoken to you? but didnt disclose his reponse to her on who i was.
From screenshot you coulf tell this was not first time talking.

He send me message showing me their convo and saying look what you go and do and threatened to block me and never speak again to me as I am too jealous ,which I am and maybe my action put him in a position.

I texted saying its quite clear that he is speaking to her otherwise why would she screenshot me for a follow request and I ended the relationship.

He didnt reply but earlier on the phone he said i will show you now and hung up meaning he will give me silent treatment as he knows that freaks me out .
He uses silent treatment for even minor argument too and i am thinking i deserve it as i question him a lot.
At the same time if feels always like i cant get proper reasurance from him as on every argument he lashes out calling me too much and threatening to hang up the phone which also happens if i cry about smth.
I feel i over do it with my jealousy but my gut feeling is also screeming.
I am quite articulate with him and i dont shout or swear but usually analyse and discuss and i feel i dont deserve this as I always end up apologising and beg him to end silent treatment but the issue I had never gets resolved because of it and I feel resentment and walking on eggshells and so on.
Do i deserve this ?

Stopped reading as you you sounded like a 14 year old.

I think it’s a bit of you are being over jealous and anxious but also he’s actions and reactions are not helping quell those fears. I don’t think you are suited to one another as it doesn’t seem healthy how you are both treating each other. That said I would feel uneasy of him having lied to you saying he didn’t know her and then he does and clearly messaging her on instagram and it sounds like he was worried you had messaged her. His actions do seem a bit suspicious so I think in the long run you are wise to end it. You deserve someone better.

What culture allows you to divorce, have a boyfriend/girlfriend but not friends of the opposite sex, or even work clients of the opposite sex? Anyway just stay away from him. The relationship is toxic. Walk away, don't look back and get some therapy

There are one of two things going on here:

1. because of your past, you are over-controlling and jealous. You see threat where there is none and your brain is wired to paint situations into betrayal, even if it’s on the reality. His silent treatment is not abuse but instead deep fatigue from always being on the receiving end of your control and nothing he can say makes a difference.

2. You’re in a relationship with another shit man and his behaviour triggers all of your past anxieties.

Either way, the relationship is over. Time on your own may have you seeing more clearly which of the above is happening.

When he gets jealous I reassure him ,when I do he gets defensive most times and the silent treatment doesnt happen just out of my jealousy but in the beginning from other minor things too.he doesnt protect my feelings one example is his ex followed him from a fake account and posted on that account photos of them together wishing happy one year anniversary and i saw that ,when i showed upset he said leave me alone i cant deal with this ,why do you care what she posts and saw the post and didnt immediately block her to protect my feelings.I knw i dont need to care but i saw them on photos together and that caption and anyone would get upset but on the other hand i stayed cause he has been very consistent 8 months in calling everynight and showing signs he cares.

my ex husband used to talk to other women.
huh?!?

Generally, the jealous people are the ones who end up cheating. I don't know why, but it's proven true.

Anyway, that can't be a way to live.

Meaning I am quite sensitive to my bf following women he doesnt knw ,i am perfectly fine if the woman is a friend ,colleague and so on ,its only when she is random.I dont ever follow anyone cause I dont care about anyone I wouldnt like him getting upset so naturally i want that reciprocated and he is fully aware.He is not one of those guys that follows hundreds and its his thing ,he is actually quite selective so yes it matters to me.

I’m sorry but you have some massive issues that are incomparable with being
in a Relationship. It’s crap about silent treatment being abuse- what else would a (maybe slightly wimpy?) person do when faced with this mad paranoia?

You are massively fixated on little things like who he follows on social media. It’s so unhealthy and you are making him mentally unhealthy too.

the best Xmas present you could give yourself is to spend 2026 working on your emotional issues with therapy etc

Either way, this relationship is dead.

He has no problem telling me when i ask and usually laughs it off but he did in fact lie about this connection claiming he didnt know her 6 months ago when they followed each other on another platform,he even removed her back then.Now he told me he knows her from a previous job and i did belive him at first until it hit me. his reaction to me following her and even her reaction was quite strong to ignore as i told him i will follow her as i dont knw many other architects in the area .She is almost like a public figure in our community an architect like me why did she feel the need to screen shot me and ask him straight who am I like that?She also lives near Birmingham and 2 days ago he told me a friend is begging him to go there and visit him for the holidays.All this is making me feel I am ill and paranoid but too many inconsistences and i just want to be safe.

You are ill and paranoid. It’s not the instagram connection that’s causing it though

What do you think is causing it ?my gut feeling has been right unfortunately every time

Trauma? stress?

He's abusive

I have a big problem with jealousy and always check his following as my ex husband used to talk to other women.

Why do so many people make this excuse for their jealousy?

"Oh it's not me, it's them. I can't help it because 'ex'"

You're jealous because you're a jealous person. You either need to own that or stop dating people.

As for the rest of it, it's a completely drama fill toxic relationship which both of you are better off getting out of.

I think i just pushed him past his limits and lost him

It is but it wasnt like this at first,i was my best self ,i felt security so I was calm and happy.He would ask me about my followers and I his and usually it would be resolved with no fight until he followed this one woman and i instantly felt quite uncomfortable but he said it was his cousin so i had no argument to make until she removed him and he texted me claiming he removed her (3 weeks later ) for me ,had even asked her why she removed him in case i had contacted her (i hadnt).I was never fully conviced after this.He has given me so much silent treatment and for random small things i started minimising any concern in case i upset him.

He used to be in love with a girl ,she was the love of his life and i asked him would you ever behave like this with her ,he said she knew not to upset me cause she knew my personality well but when we would fight i wouldnt talk for 4 days.
It is not personal to me and he usualy says i deserve it for making him upset.
This time is not silent treatment though we have both ended the relationship.

"She knew not to upset me".

Okay..

So, how did you go from being your best self, calm happy and secure, to paranoid and jealous?
Oh, after he lied to you.

Stop gaslighting yourself, OP. He's not good for you.

He also told me last time he gave me the silent treatment that this is how i want it for me to not do it again (not believe him about smth).
I rather prefered for him to tell me we are over than silent treatment because after he speaks to me he says things like leave me alone I will block you ,then waits for me to get really desperate and literally beg him heavily for forgivness ,say i love you and so on.Then boom forgives me and talks to me like normal without addressing any issues or saying he loves me too.
One time i didnt beg or anything like usual and when we made up he said you dont want me as much anymore before you would chase ,call me from other numbers make it a big deal and this time nothing.(wasnt speaking cause i removed a photo of me with him on background from socials and he accused me of cheating based only on that,he got intensly upset)

This is really crazy behaviour in his part. I would rather be single than put up with this.

Your jealousy is unhealthy too. Time to tackle that in 2026. DH and I would have no idea about who follows who on social media - couldn’t give a monkeys.

OP please seek out a qualified therapist to help you check your baggage at the ticket counter, and then only have a carry-on bag for the overhead bin (yes an airline metaphor for visuals). Otherwise you're trying to take ALL of your luggage and cram them into the overhead bins, and when they don't fit and people are behind you waiting to get seated because you're trying to bring so much luggage into the relationship, it's going to be doomed. Learn to move past this and how to adapt yourself into a healthy relationship when you're ready. Also, PLEASE consider dating outside your culture, because it's obviously going to be a recurring issue since this is what caused this breakup, because you both apparently never boundaries before starting this relationship. Best of luck to you.

You both sound awful to be blunt. You need therapy and not a relationship.
I couldn't tell you who my husband follows, I don't give a shit.

I dont go crazy about every follow its only been these 2 women during our relationship where I have facts of him lying about it.My boundary has been clear with him cause thats what i need personaly to feel safe as he uses social media to meet women ,thats how he met me and every woman he has had before, I told him I dont mind him following female friends or having female friends it only botheres me if its a random woman.Fact is he told me before he doesnt know her and now vaguley changed his story saying he does and only when pushed by me told me its from work , I intialy calmed down and told him thanks for clarifying so i dropped the subject but then I remember her from months ago and what he told me back then.This man gets upset for me having male coleagues and I am not allowed to have male friends or talk to clients after 5 but expects me to be fine with him lying ?one time we had a fight and he followed a couple of girls just to provoke me and when i asked him he unfollowed them saying I wanted to see your reaction, so he didnt mind hurting me or showing disrespect and I should have left him but I guess its never late.