Absolutely lost it tonight and feel like the worst mother

[Caudooo]

Not really an AIBU but more a plea for help with how to manage these situations. DS turned three in April and he’s been hard work ever since pretty much.

I am a single parent, I do absolutely everything for Ds and ex sees him every Sunday. He won’t have him overnight and never has.

Usually things run smoothly. I’m quite good at juggling things and staying positive but tonight I just lost it. He was throwing food, getting angry and shouting at me, pouring milk when I had asked him to be careful as he had already spilled some. It went on and on and I just shouted at him that he was being badly behaved. He was crying and I was crying, he started hitting me.

Things did get better and he’s gone to bed fine and seemed happy. But he did say ‘I’m being good now’ which made me feel sad as it’s obviously affected him. I’ve been sat down for an hour now and practically been shaking while eating my dinner. I feel so stressed and so sad.

This has happened maybe three or four times ever but I know it’s not good. I really want to be better. I feel sick after tonight and really shaken up.

I really don't think that's terribly bad. It's very hard doing it all yourself and you sound like you are doing a good job. The only thing really needing managed here is the overall burden you're carrying so that you might have a bit more bandwidth such that you can take inevitable bad behaviour a bit more in your stride, but that won't always be possible. I'm not sure what's available to you financially or with family support to get a bit more time off.

Give yourself a break .
Parenthood doesn't confer sainthood.
You are doing great and getting cross from time to time isn't a big failure.
It's normal.

The fact he’s said that shows it go through to him, it’s ok to lose it here and there. Sometimes it’s how we get through to them. You’re doing an amazing job Xx

@FloorWipes thanks, I was really shouting though and when he was getting more upset and hitting me I was shouting more. It was just so bad. It’s in the moment I need to take a step back but it’s just so hard and it did happen when he was around 18 months too, or a similar thing

@thistimelastweek shouting though, like really shouting a lot. It’s so shit of me and reminds me of my dad when he got angry

You just lost control slightly. They do push boundaries a lot at this age!

It is how they learn what is and is not acceptable

If you hate how you reacted and think it is wrong you could always apologise to your child and say ‘mummy shouted too loudly - I am sorry’ etc it is ok to make mistakes and show our children we are not perfect

OK not your finest moment but you're human too

Best thing is you are reflecting on it.

You are a good mum doing her best.

And sometimes the little buggers will push you too far.

Don't beat yourself up for being human

But he did say ‘I’m being good now’

This is a good thing. He's learnt from the experience. He was very naughty to hit you, and now feels bad about it, that's a good learning experience.

Don't worry about it op. It's all fine, a normal parenting snapshot imo.

Others will come onto the thread catastrophising about how you've traumatised him with your ungentle parenting but I reckon he'll be just fine really.

Oh OP. We have all been there, I certainly have. I’m a single parent too and have done everything myself. My son was a toddler during Covid. I left his useless dad and bought a little house for us both 2 weeks before covid hit. It was the absolute hardest time of my life and I lost my temper and shouted a lot 😞 I am not proud of it but small children are HARD.

Tomorrow is a new day and Christmas Eve. You are not a bad mum, far from it x

Look, I've been there.
I've got twin DDs and I have been totally on my own with with them since they were 6 months.
I, too, have shouted at them too harshly. I've actually done it too many times for it to be excusable. They are now nearly 8, whereas you are asking for help whilst your DC is young.
Always apologise for losing control.
X

I think "losing it" and having a bit of a shouty telling-off, once in a while, say a few times a year, is completely and utterly normal and it's how children learn where the limits are.

You didn't hit him or restrict his food or lock him in his room or any of the other many cruel punishments that used to be considered acceptable. You just had a bit of a shouty moment.

It's fine.

Look, I've been there.
I've got twin DDs and I have been totally on my own with with them since they were 6 months.
I, too, have shouted at them too harshly. I've actually done it too many times for it to be excusable. They are now nearly 8, whereas you are asking for help whilst your DC is young.
Always apologise for losing control.
X

unpopular opinion perhaps. but you are human.

I am not a single parent, but have a very absent DH, family farm. I have four, under 7, at one point four under four.

I have shouted a couple of times.

A very wonderful and unexpected friend said to me

one, the fact that it bothered me said it all,
two, the next stages are important, age appropriate wise. mummy is sorry for shouting. And move on.
Three, give yourself a break.

Taking temper out on a child, hurting a child, not ok. but shouting in the moment is human nature.

be kind to yourself

He's learned a valuable lesson that all kids learn eventually - mum is human and has a limit. The fact that he even pointed out "I'm being good now" means message clearly received - he doesn't think you just booted off for no reason, he recognises that his misbehaviour pushed you past the limit of your patience.

Give yourself a break. No one is a perfect parent 100% of the time.

That's life. Be kind to yourself. No harm done. Tomorrow is a new day.

You shouted, you didn't hit him or put a cigarette out on him or anything else. He won't remember it.

Plus you are clearly doing a good job if he can say I'm being good now, you're teaching him right from wrong and modeling good behaviour.

Everyone's stressed running up to Christmas and he understands that something exciting is coming and perhaps that's got him more hyper.

I don't think you've done anything wrong there. I think most parents would end up shouting at that behaviour. I wouldn't usually think crying a good idea but in ti's situation I think it's good for him to know how upsetting it is for you to be attacked like that.
Your DS's behaviour does seem on the extreme end. Getting angry and hitting a parent isn't typical behaviour. Do you know if there is something going on to cause that? Is he sleeping well, opening bowels normally, happy to see dad?

Thanks for the nice posts. I don’t feel I deserve them! I did apologise to him, he sort of looked embarrassed almost. I do always apologise to him if I ever snap or get cross.

Having thought about it a bit more I think part of me being unable to calm down now he’s asleep is that I just hated that feeling of not being in control, it was awful. All I want is for him to be happy and it is so hard sometimes

@JLou08 it’s not often he behaves like that, only rarely. He’s been more challenging since turning 3 but moments like that aren’t often and probably more reason why I’m utterly shit at managing it

Oh God bless you lovely Mum
🫂Please don't beat yourself up, sounds like you're just trying to show your dear Son right from wrong & of course you don't want him to think it's ok to pour milk all over the place & throw food etc 💚The fact you feel sad for raising your voice, shows what a lovely kind, caring, sweet natured Mum you truly are 🤗Please remember this & you're raising Your little Boy & juggling everything all on your own - Please give yourself credit where it's most surely due 🫂
God Bless You&Your Little Son
Wishing You Both all the utmost very best 💚🤗💚

Mine are teenagers now, but I’ve lost it more than once with them over the years. Not regularly enough that is an issue, but a few times. I’m human.

Give yourself a break.

Look up rupture and repair. My DD is 5 and I have been a single parent since she was 2. We can’t be perfect all the time. After I lose my cool I apologise to her and we talk about it. She is always very kind/sweet about it.

Your asking yourself if it was ok - which to me is sign of good parent

You sound quite understandably exhausted. You had a really crappy day, it happens, it doesn’t make you a bad mother at all. You’re trying to juggle everything by yourself. Who is there for you?

@Poms I do have family nearby and to be honest I have ok income so there’s things that could be worse. I’m just utterly exhausted for some reason. Ex is seeing Ds Friday to Wednesday so even though he will come home every night to me, I will I hope get some time in the days as im off work now for a week