Absolutely lost it tonight and feel like the worst mother

[Caudooo]

Not really an AIBU but more a plea for help with how to manage these situations. DS turned three in April and he’s been hard work ever since pretty much.

I am a single parent, I do absolutely everything for Ds and ex sees him every Sunday. He won’t have him overnight and never has.

Usually things run smoothly. I’m quite good at juggling things and staying positive but tonight I just lost it. He was throwing food, getting angry and shouting at me, pouring milk when I had asked him to be careful as he had already spilled some. It went on and on and I just shouted at him that he was being badly behaved. He was crying and I was crying, he started hitting me.

Things did get better and he’s gone to bed fine and seemed happy. But he did say ‘I’m being good now’ which made me feel sad as it’s obviously affected him. I’ve been sat down for an hour now and practically been shaking while eating my dinner. I feel so stressed and so sad.

This has happened maybe three or four times ever but I know it’s not good. I really want to be better. I feel sick after tonight and really shaken up.

Bless you OP. When my DCs were little, I would very occasionally lose it and really shout. Eventually I learnt to interpret this as a sign I needed a break/more sleep/some time for myself (I couldn’t always get those things, but when I could, I did).

They are now 20 and 17 and well-adjusted, pleasant young adults with whom I have a close relationship. Your DS will be fine.

Hey. I'm going to say what others are saying too: you have A LOT on your plate, being a lone parent. 2)these things happen, we are only human. 3)the fact it bothers you shows that you are, and 4)what you do afterwards matters: so apologising is good.

I am mum to a 3 year old, I find it hard sometimes and I'm not doing it alone. When he was two we went through a difficult time (extra stress for me due to family circumstances, sudden bereavement), and I found myself losing my temper more than I wanted. I decided I wanted to do something about it so I looked for a parenting course locally. The funny thing is it didn't turn out to be what I thought I was looking for at all!! but it was SO helpful. So I'm here to say, why don't you google parenting Circle of Security.

There might be a course local to you, or not, or you might just find it helpful reading about the ideas behind it.

Best of luck. xxx.

As everyone else has said, don't worry about it. We have all been there, and the fact you are beating yourself up about it speaks well of you - if you were actually a bad parent you wouldn't care, but you're clearly nothing of the sort 🙂

Just wanted to add that many small kids are a nightmare this time of year. They are over excited, over stimulated, over tired, being asked to do lots of unusual things - it's really not a great recipe for well behaved, even tempered kids!

Start afresh tomorrow. Get some sleep. Merry Christmas.

I could have written this OP - you are absolutely not alone. That feeling of loosing control is horrible, and you feel crappy after. My dc is now 8 (single parent), and I have defintely lost my shit a few times. Try to repair / apologise to your child, and take this as a sign that you need to spend time nurturing yourself.

I can remember hitting a wall with dd at the same age, I’m also a single parent and I think 3 was one of the most challenging ages.

I think it’s okay for kids to see we get overwhelmed at times and if they’re naughty they get told off 🤷‍♀️

We’re only human 🍷

Tomorrow is a new day.

Yep, been there too. Please don't beat yourself up. You could try talking about it with your DS over breakfast. Apologise and tell him that the way you acted was wrong. You were tired, hungry etc. Yes ok he was naughty but you still shouldn't have acted like that. I think at three he will understand some of this.

The reason you’re utterly exhausted is that you’re parenting a three year old with hardly any help from your ex. Even when both parents are actively involved, parenting is bloody hard work, and on your own, it can feel almost impossible.

Please don’t be so hard on yourself. You’re doing an incredible job, and it’s completely okay to have bad days. I was a single parent when my children were little, and I remember days when I honestly didn’t know how I got through them.

Oh god, really don't beat yourself up about this. I found an old diary recently that completely took me back to when ds1 was 3 and totally able to push my buttons...I totally remember losing my shit with him and feeling so guilty afterwards. We would all like to say we're perfect parents and never shout but few of us can. Move on, show him lots of love, have a happy Christmas. He loves you and won't remember it.

@Caudooo did you want advice or just some kind words to feel a bit better?

So you say you completely lost it. Imagine someone in authority and much bigger and someone you depend on for dear life lost it at you. How would you feel? Yep. That's how your child felt.

I dont agree with the 'its not that bad'. It's abusive. If you lost it like that to anyone else (a coworker?) it would have serious consequences. So it's not nothing. I'm not trying to make you feel worse. I ask you for the sake of your child to understand their experience and think of ways to repair (not delude yourself which you don't) and find ways to remove yourself before it gets to this in the future. Your relationship with you child will be better if you acknowledge what this does to him.

The very fact that you're so upset now tells me that for sure you are a bloody great mum!
And, give yourself a break. 3 is a hard age, it really is and you're doing it alone. To be honest you should give yourself a pat on the back because being a mum without a break is hard and nobody, despite what they may say, is Mary Poppins.

I echo these wise words

All of us been there

Never easy sadly
We are only human

I was beating myself over something last week even though I'm juggling a lot

Learning lessons are so valuable
New day tomorrow

If you lost it like that to anyone else (a coworker?) it would have serious consequences.

That's just batty and incomparable. Her coworker wouldn't be hitting her on the head or screaming or chucking food all over the floor.

Does your toddler act like a coworker?! "Dear mother, please could you transfer me a snack by end of play today, thanks in advance, kind regards".

Thanks for the chuckle anyway. The bonkers hyperbole of the Gentle Parenting brigade never fails to disappoint!

You should probably lay off the Christmas sherry.

He will be much happier with firm boundaries in place and sometimes you have to show them you mean business. It’s not fun for anyone but when they’re throwing food around and hitting you they have to know you’re properly not happy with them.

Just wait until he’s a few years older and listens to you never. You’ll lose your shit even more then.

Look, he was being persistently naughty so you shouted and you both cried. He acknowledged he was later being good, meaning he understood his prior behaviour was naughty.

Thats all normal! He was making unnecessary mess, not listening and hitting you. Of course you shouted, any good parent would. It was your way of communicating that he went too far.

Dont be afraid to discipline your child, it’s how they learn to be better behaved. You have nothing to feel guilty about. He knows he’s loved.

🤣🤣

I’m too shouty and I hate it. What I always make sure I do is apologise the following day and when we’re both calm explain I’m sorry, that sometimes grown ups get grumpy and tired too, and that I’m trying to learn how to stop doing it.

Well, good luck everyone treating their kids like that. I bet you tell your kids off for shouting at you, but if you do it it's okay because the child was naughty. Can't even imagine someone three times your size having a go at you. It's bloody frightening even if you think they aren't frightened. They are.

Cringing at the poster who said the co-worker would not bat your head. You pretty much proved my point. A child is gonna act like a child. Someone who's still developing and is dependent on an adult for survival. Awful abuse of power. Your triggers are yours to manage, whether it's a child, a coworker or a stranger.

Another example of feckless men who cannot look after their own child.

And Sundays it'll be McDonald's, park, treats galore. Disney dad a go go. No pressure for him, he's a four hour a week dad. Which, as we know, is easy. And easy to look good, be the 'fun' parent, in a super good mood, because he's refreshed and has the rest of the week to himself.

Whereas our op is in the trenches with her three year old. All the time, except for four hours a week or whatever. Meals. Sleep. Nursery. Tears. Tantrums. Christmas overload. Etc.

You're doing an AMAZING job op. You really are.

🍷 🌲

do you think the most affective thing to do is support and advise someone, or just kick them when they’re down?

As a fellow single mother to a child who when she was little, used to wind me up intentionally (although she ended up with a diagnosis of autism at age 4), I promise you, you have not failed! You’re not superwoman you’re a mum spinning twice the plates most other mums are and every once in a while, one drops. Pick it back up again and keep spinning.
I will promise you one thing though, I swear it gets easier with every passing year. I promise it does. The more they grow, the more they start to understand & comprehend things and that is a massive help. Things were considerably easier once she was about 4 and a half. Now she’s almost 11 and although she can still be frustrating, she’s great company, a great friend and frankly, a massive help! Keep spinning OP 💜

I’m generally pretty anti shouting but everyone loses the rag occasionally and I think occasionally seeing that adults get things wrong too and have to apologise and make it right, just like they do when they get it wrong, is good for them.
3 is a hard age, even when you’re not doing it essentially single handedly. You’re doing great.

He’s learning where his boundaries are and what happens if he crosses them. This should result in a negative consequence for him, that’s how he learns. Him being good later shows this.

You want it to affect him, it’s how he learns how to act and what discipline means - and it’s so much easier to learn at 3 than 13.

It sounds like you’re a good mum who’s had a difficult parenting moment. It’s not nice for anyone involved, but sometimes it’s necessary.

The times I remember my mum ‘losing it’ with me were fully justified. I’d been a right little shit.