Absolutely lost it tonight and feel like the worst mother

[Caudooo]

Not really an AIBU but more a plea for help with how to manage these situations. DS turned three in April and he’s been hard work ever since pretty much.

I am a single parent, I do absolutely everything for Ds and ex sees him every Sunday. He won’t have him overnight and never has.

Usually things run smoothly. I’m quite good at juggling things and staying positive but tonight I just lost it. He was throwing food, getting angry and shouting at me, pouring milk when I had asked him to be careful as he had already spilled some. It went on and on and I just shouted at him that he was being badly behaved. He was crying and I was crying, he started hitting me.

Things did get better and he’s gone to bed fine and seemed happy. But he did say ‘I’m being good now’ which made me feel sad as it’s obviously affected him. I’ve been sat down for an hour now and practically been shaking while eating my dinner. I feel so stressed and so sad.

This has happened maybe three or four times ever but I know it’s not good. I really want to be better. I feel sick after tonight and really shaken up.

I echo all the previous posters: You sound like a good mum. It is completely normal to feel overwhelmed when dealing with challenging toddler behaviour - We've all been there. Don't be too hard on yourself.

Since you asked for advice, whenever I feel myself starting to get exasperated or feel myself bubbling inside, I consciously try to 1. Set boundary/change the environment 2. redirect or distract where appropriate 3.make laughter happen to diffuse tension.

Eg. Tonight DD looked at me dead in the face and started smudging yogurt into her hair after I had made up my mind to skip bath time as we are out of bubble bath! "Yogurt is for eating it doesn't go in our hair. *Takes away almost empty yoghurt pot. What CAN we put in our hair? Cue daughter (with some encouragement) coming up with more and more crazy ideas about things w can put in our hair.
Second example, DD was completely ignoring me and wriggling around in the bath, trying to stand up and splashing like a wild animal. So I got her straight out (boundary/stopped me shouting), explained that she needs to listen to mummy in the bath in my calmest voice, made silly noises pretending to turn her listening ears on, she did the same to me and then I had cuddles from a dripping wet toddler.

I'm just sharing the way I stop myself shouting or feeling overwhelmed - not saying it's the right way. I'm sure other posters will suggest some even better ideas. There are things you can do to feel more in control of your reactions. Motherhood doesn't come with a Manuel, you have to figure it out as you go. The fact you care says to me you are a great mum. 3 year olds are hard work.

My mum had ppd and was really really ill with it.

I am ND and never slept and was a really difficult child, my mum said she said she felt she was losing her mind with sleep deprivation because I literally didn’t sleep at night for more then a couple of hours at a time (I still don’t!)
My dad told me they used to drive round for hours at night because I sometimes slept longer in the car and it was the only way he could give my mum a break and let her catch up on sleep.
I have ADHD and was also very hyperactive and never gave my parents a break, I can’t imagine how difficult it must have been to raise me and there were 2 of them.

I don’t remember being put in a bin but apparently one day my mum completely broke down and said she’d had enough and put me in the outside bin, I was a toddler and she told my dad to leave me for the bin men.
My dad obviously got me out straight away and it was before the days of wheelie bins and the bin was pretty full so I was apparently standing and could see over the top.

I do remember a wonderful childhood with two loving parents who did occasionally lose their rag and shout.

I remember some of these occasions (when I was a bit older) but also remember realising I’d been really naughty and thinking I needed to behave a bit better!
My mum would also shout at my sister (also ND) and she would just laugh completely unfazed.

My mum confessed to me about putting me in the bin when I was a teenager and said she had felt eaten up inside with guilt for years, she was scared of my reaction and but felt she had to confess in case it affected me in the future and I needed therapy.

I found it amusing and wasn’t surprised or upset at all, I thought she was an amazing person for not showing her frustration more often and had nothing but love and admiration for her. I recognise she was ill and struggling and this wasn’t just a method of punishment but was the final straw and I suspect she was also ND.

OP your DS will likely forget all about this or it might make him think again about his behaviour, he’s young but I have very clear early memories and just remember thinking I’d pushed things too far rather then being upset when I was shouted at.

I don’t mean a few seconds of shouting in frustration but my mum losing her temper properly and being really angry and giving me a good telling off!

You are doing a difficult job raising a child alone and are a human not a robot so don’t be hard on yourself for reaching the final straw.
You aren’t abusive, there isn’t a prolonged pattern of this behaviour and your DS was being really naughty!

Give yourself a break, start afresh and put it behind you. I think sometimes kids need to know they are pushing too far and it’s better than trying to reason with a child too young to understand and who needs boundaries.

Ignore the of nonsense of the pp as it’s a complete overreaction and it’s so normal for parents to lose their temper occasionally.
I bet your DS will have a wonderful Christmas that will totally wipe away this memory and you need to forget about it as well and move on.

Concentrate on the responses from people who don’t judge you and have likely been in your position at one time or another, parenting is fucking hard and doing it alone is especially difficult 💕.

This is a lovely post and I appreciate the time and thought that’s gone into it, there is some excellent advice.

I have to admit though that the typo where it says “Motherhood doesn't come with a Manuel”
really made me giggle thinking of having Manuel from fawlty towers being available to assist during the difficult times of parenting 😂.

It made me think of him saying “I know nothing” when being approached on asking for advice on a fraught situation when you are trying to wrangle a fractious toddler.

To be fair it’s probably no different than most men’s reactions!

You’re doing great x

My children are older teens now but I was totally there with shouty moments and feeling terrible after. They seem like nice people now and we have a good relationship so I don’t think they were scarred. I was really helped by the How to Talk so Kids listen… book. It has lots of cartoon scenarios and so it was easy to refer to even in the heat of an escalation and was often stuff I knew really but helped to have a reminder.

Give yourself a break - you sound like a living mum and you hardly went crazy. It's ok to say i'm sorry for raising my voice afterwards as well.

OP, next time things escalate like this, take yourself away from the situation, or put DS somewhere he is safe (like his bedroom) for a couple of minutes while you re-group. If he goes to hit you, hold his arms so he can’t, and tell him (in a gentle voice!!) that it’s never OK to hit people. He’s hitting you, though, because he wants you to stop shouting and he’s only little and he doesn’t know how to do it! We all lose it sometimes and raise our voices and get cross and feel bad about it afterwards. Your DC is only three and totally dependent on you. Do try not to shout at him - easier said than done - sometimes, either or both of you need a couple of minutes’ “time out”. But don’t beat yourself up about it - we’re all only human. It happened, so try to think how you can stop it from happening again. Motherhood is difficult, so be kind to yourself as well as your DS.

You gave your misbehaving child a well deserved telling off, that does not make you a terrible parent.