To document all the ways my MIL does my head in this Christmas?

[LivingInaBuiltSite]

If you get along with your MIL then this is not the thread for you, so no haters please. I will find it helpful for my sanity to vent. And possibly my marriage.

She is here for 6 days.
I work shifts for the NHS so working most of the holidays, often on nights.

1. Got home from a night shift this morning to the sodding dog barking wanting its breakfast (DH blissfully asleep obvs). MIL enters kitchen while I’m trying to have a decaf tea in peace. I let dog out, give it breakfast, let out into garden,
   MIL informs me that I must love the exuberance of a Labrador - having never worked a night shift in her life. I disagree and say it’s embarrassing because she barks so much. MIL then informs me that the dog doesn’t bark because…she doesn’t hear it. Because she doesn’t have her hearing aids in 🤯

2. MIL starts a conversation with DH who then tunes out so it’s left to me to provide a response/attention/engagement. This happens on repeat. ‘D’H will become less D as the days go on.

3. DC - who act all excited for MIL/Gma to arrive - disappear to bedrooms. DH disappears to his office to “do something”. I get left with MIL and have to be the cabaret act - and repeat. Remember, I didn’t actually invite her. (I am now (sadly) parent-free and do not feel like I should have to take on the obligation for someone else’s parent.)

this is only the start…..

He does mean to ignore her. You've told him repeatedly. He's selfish and fobs her off onto you. Time to go nuclear and say you will not stand for him tuning out or leaving the room anymore.

And next year you make sure to say no to host MIL.

As soon as the first poster posts a rude reply, all the rest follow, happens every time.

Well I'm autistic so although I do try, I find it especially hard. I usually rehearse the interaction as best as I can beforehand.

Yanbu op, but your husband and children are the problem.

Just go to bed, or leave the house. Let them deal with being rude/awkward, it’s not all your responsibility. They are the ones who are being unkind to MIL if they’re refusing to be around her.

Honestly it sounds like your husband is more of a problem than your MIL. Tuning his own mother out, abandoning you to entertain her, getting a dog you didn't want...

Either way as a fellow shift worker you have my sympathies, Mother Theresa herself would probably piss me off after a 16hr night shift.

What if you did not go straight home after a night shift? What if you went instead to a quiet cafe, had a cup of tea there, maybe read a book, maybe just sit peacefully for an hour? It would (a) give you some headspace, and (b) give your dh the chance to respond to the dog and actually behave like a reasonable partner.

Venting on MN saved my relationship with my MIL so vent away. DH and I had many dog walks where I pointed out he needed to entertain his mother or I would remove his favorite parts as he invited her.

People with autism can say “Ok. Invite your mother and you entertain her. Because I’m not going to. I’m autistic and don’t know how to”. I’m sure hubby will understand. Ha!

I don’t think your examples really showcase how irritating your MIL is, they more seem to be about your husband and kids! You haven’t actually said what your MIL does to annoy you. Is she rude? Picky? Boring? Makes unnecessary or judgy comments?

That said, I do get the annoyance of being left with MIL. My boyfriends mum and dad are both very loud, very me me me type people, and my boyfriend is always really quiet around them. I’ve spoken to him about it before, and he says that growing up they were always just so loud and made everything about themselves, he could never get a word in edgeways. So over time he has just learnt to not even bother. But I find when they pop round to visit, he just zones out totally and leaves me to do all the “oh yes wow” / “hmm what a fantastic story.” It’s not a major issue, I don’t care too much, But I do feel your pain!

Or straight to bed. I would after a NHS night shift. I would leave it to DH to sort MIL, DC and dog.

You resent her because your husband is a prick. My mum was the same with my nan and my nan died with my mum hating her and it was really sad!

Sympathies OP! My MIL witters endlessly and is hard of hearing but apparently not old enough to wear hearing aids (her opinion) 🙈 FML, every time I say something to DH or DCs she thinks she is involved, answers a different question and then it takes 5 minutes to clarify that it isn’t the topic she thought it was!!

Hide!! Hope you get time to recover from your shifts.

Sounds like your husband has zero respect for you .

you didn't want a dog - he got one

you didn’t want MIL for Xmas - here she is

you want your husband to speak to his mum - he hides and leaves it to you

My grandma used to say, marry a man based on how he treats his mother. He ignores his
mother. Therefore, it comes as no surprise he ignores your wishes, too.

Your dh is retired, when are you due to retire? I don’t know if you’re just exhausted but the things irritating you possibly wouldn’t hit you so hard if you weren’t so tired

I’m actually the nice one here because I don’t want her feeling ignored so I respond and chat and internally fume.

In such unsubtle ways by talking to her and trying to make her feel welcome (even though it's probably the last thing she wants to do after a 14 hour shift).
Yeah, you sound like a nightmare @LivingInaBuiltSite !

I don’t think I quite got it across from this morning’s conversation but she was telling me that the dog doesn’t bark, as the dog was actually barking.

Anyway, it’s clear this isn’t the source of venting I was looking for. I shall resort to my trusty wine glass and bed and hiding, as originally planned.

I understand your pain.

When I lived with my MIL I had to reply to something constantly, all day long. Her voice just never stopped streaming out of her mouth. Even just a “yeah..” over and over again took so much energy, by the evening I’d be completely out of “yeah”s and had to go and hide away. But she’d usually find reasons to come into our room for some more!

As soon as she heard me get up in the morning she’d come running into the kitchen to start again.

So DH is retired and you’re still working full time (with night shifts), and presumably not young if DH is already retired, but he’s not stepping up. I’m not surprised you’re exhausted, anyone would feel the same. You 100% have a DH problem and the DC don’t seem to be helping much either. You can’t look after an elderly house guest for 6 days and work full time nights on your own. You need more help.

This sounds more like a list of all the things your DH is doing (or not doing, more accurately).

Hopefully MIL gets the hint and stays home next year . She’s better off alone than to be with family but feel lonely.

You really don't seem to want to face what an absolute arse your DH is being, so you are projecting it all on to her.

Your poor mil

Your life is weird. You have a dog you don’t want and you allow your MIL to invite herself to stay for a week. I can’t empathise with either of these things. My husband would like a dog but I don’t. So we don’t have one. Where children and animals are concerned both people should be fully on board. As for letting people invite themselves to stay… just say no. Your husband and children are the ignorant ones here, but if you don’t want to entertain then don’t. Go do something else. And why are you filling your husband’s silences and responding for him? Let him sit in silence- that weird dynamic is for him and his mother to figure out.

I know.
It's really bad that HER SON can't even be bothered to talk to her.