To document all the ways my MIL does my head in this Christmas?

[LivingInaBuiltSite]

If you get along with your MIL then this is not the thread for you, so no haters please. I will find it helpful for my sanity to vent. And possibly my marriage.

She is here for 6 days.
I work shifts for the NHS so working most of the holidays, often on nights.

1. Got home from a night shift this morning to the sodding dog barking wanting its breakfast (DH blissfully asleep obvs). MIL enters kitchen while I’m trying to have a decaf tea in peace. I let dog out, give it breakfast, let out into garden,
   MIL informs me that I must love the exuberance of a Labrador - having never worked a night shift in her life. I disagree and say it’s embarrassing because she barks so much. MIL then informs me that the dog doesn’t bark because…she doesn’t hear it. Because she doesn’t have her hearing aids in 🤯

2. MIL starts a conversation with DH who then tunes out so it’s left to me to provide a response/attention/engagement. This happens on repeat. ‘D’H will become less D as the days go on.

3. DC - who act all excited for MIL/Gma to arrive - disappear to bedrooms. DH disappears to his office to “do something”. I get left with MIL and have to be the cabaret act - and repeat. Remember, I didn’t actually invite her. (I am now (sadly) parent-free and do not feel like I should have to take on the obligation for someone else’s parent.)

this is only the start…..

I'm keen to read the replies to this thread, but my MIL (who is a horror) is visiting tomorrow and I want to spend the rest of the evening relaxing and recharging my batteries until I have to face her, and I have a feeling that reading further will put me further on edge.

I think you’re going to have your work cut out with this thread, OP!

For what it’s worth, I hear you

You could take some of your own advice here OP...

I’ve got every sympathy with people who struggle with their MILs (or FILs) - mine is a nightmare. But she really doesn’t sound THAT bad. Out of your three points the second two are your DH’s fault, not hers, and the first one is just a clumsy attempt at making friendly conversation with you whilst also being deaf - which she can’t help.

Based on what you’ve said I’d gladly swap 😅 I think my MIL would break you in 30 seconds.

Your MIL sounds fine. Your husband sounds rude.

Not wanting to drip feed cos it’s a side issue, but I did not want the dog, I actually love dogs, but grew up with them and didn’t want the ownership of one. DH has been desperate for years, so when he retired we/he got one. The dog was acquired on the basis that she would be his responsibility.

When I come home from a stressful night shift that can run to 13/14 hours, I really don’t want to face the excited dog. Knowing he is sleeping like a baby upstairs. Maybe other people can’t grasp that, but that’s how it is. Obvs I get her up, give her breakfast, make a fuss, etc. I’m not mean to her. Just to reassure the dog lovers out there.

Poor woman. I hope she’s thick skinned enough to miss such mean contempt

Your poor mil must have a terrible life if she chose to spend Christmas with you. Let’s be honest most people would rather commit hate kari than spend more than an hour with a stone cold bitch who refers to her dog as “it”. Hopefully your mil comes to her senses next year and realises she is better off on her own than sharing a space with Cruella de Ville.

Ask DH to step up?

To quote an old MN classic it sounds like you have a husband problem!

Your poor MIL. I would expect you “D”H to step up. Why the fuck didn’t your DH let the dog out when it was barking, sounds like MIL was just making small talk.

Your MIL was talking to “D”H and he ignored her

Your whole family are going out of their way to make MIL feel unwanted.

You all sound horrible, if I was your MIL I would go home now

So the root cause of the problem at point 1 is also your DH?

There’s a definite pattern emerging here.

It’s quite interesting because I wonder how many strained MIL/DIL relationships are actually the result of transferred rage and resentment that should be directed at the husband/son.

You could say no... maybe you should next year.

You don’t have to invite anyone into your home. If your husband invited her just make yourself scarce (if she’s that bad). Leave him to it. Not your circus. Not your monkeys.
Is it really beyond your capabilities to put on a smile, make a cuppa and force conversation for an hour or two?

You sound shattered. Ready for a rest and there's no sign of that because you have a guest and no-one is helping.

I am appalled by the behaviour you describe- your DH I mean.

I know you said you want to vent but I'm going to venture a suggestion. Tell them clearly what you need. Give each of them something manageable to do with your MIL every day. What, when and how long. They can change the what if they like.

'DH you are going to take MIL to the shops each day to get a paper. You will be out of the house for at least 1 hour'

'DS you are going to play cards with your grandmother each day.' For about 30 minutes.

'DD you are going to show the photos of your school trip to your grandmother'

Christmas is for everyone and right now you are exhausted and needs a break. It's not on.

Your husband sounds like a lazy, selfish PITA

I don't think its helpful to any mums of boys for women to egg each other on to malign older mothers of sons tbh, for obvious reasons. The woman has done nothing wrong, the OPs H is clearly to blame, yet its 'helpful' to vent about her just because she's a MiL. Honestly, it's like a load of 1970s comedians round here sometimes, but without the jokes.

This is so true.

When she visits, it causes so much stress between us. It is def a DH problem, and I will (when not in her earshot obvs) be having words with him tomorrow.

He just tunes out, I don’t think he means to ignore her per se. Just he is thinking about something else. I’m actually the nice one here because I don’t want her feeling ignored so I respond and chat and internally fume. I’m really not a cold hearted bitch or whatever other posters want to think.

I’m a tired, overworked, (slightly) anti-social person with a mind of their own, who doesn’t get enough down time, but brought up with manners so I try to avoid awkward silences.

OPs DH is ignoring her (his own mum).
OPs DC are avoiding their grandma.
OP is putting on a full cabaret act, answering questions, ensuring no arkwardness or silences and doing all she can to make her mil feel comfortable.

But she gets tarred as being horrible. Make it make sense.

If your DH is already retired your MIL must be quite elderly then. So she's seen a lot and learned the restraint that we all do with age. Maybe if she was her younger self, the one you don't know, she might be calling you all sorts and reduce you tears, etc or be a very nice person; who knows.

Despite the obvious failings of her son, your DH, she puts up with your enforced mutual interactions including your contempt, just as you do, purely because she loves her son and wants to see him, just as you do.

Go easy on her love. You’ll be in her moccasins sooner than you think. 😉

Get your DH more involved. Mine used to be the same when his mum came. I absolutely read him the riot act… funny enough he doesn’t invite her so much any more.

If you read my post, I said they are all being horrible. OP is showing her MIL by very unsubtle ways that she doesn’t like her. So yes, she does get tarred with the same brush

Your husband needs a boot up the bum!

Are the annoying things MIL has done in the room with us? So far it’s you that sounds grumpy and tired, and your family that aren’t making an effort, so you have to.

I fully understand some peoples MILs can be difficult but jumping on the MIL hating bandwagon for no apparent reason is harsh.